"Anybody who is against this government's free trade initiatives with the United States is timorous...timorous and insecure!"
Mister Prime Minister, please! I haven't asked anything, yet!"
"Oh. Sorry."
By the way, what exactly does timorous mean?
"Well, it - that is to say - I mean - I guess I'm not really sure. Erik Nielson suggested the word to me."
Oh. Prime Minister, critics of free trade have lately accused you of not addressing their concerns in your public statements..."
"Pernicious piffle!"
I beg your pardon?
"It's pernicious piffle, dagnabit! Anybody who says that I don't address their concerns is an addlepated juvenile delinquent without the sense the good lord gave a stinkweed, and a ninny to boot!"
A ninny?"
"That's what I said, and I stand by it."
But, it's just this sort of behaviour -
"And, pixilated. Did I mention pixilated?"
Mister Prime Minister, this is just the sort of behaviour your critics are talking about. If anybody suggests - even hints in the most carefully chosen terms - the slightest criticism of free trade, your reaction is to attack the person and ignore the criticism."
"What frumious bandersnatch said that?"
Well, a bunch of us at the press club were concerned...
"Then, allow me to state her and now, for the record that it is not seemly for the Prime Minister of Canada, the holder of the highest office of this great land, to resort to childish name calling in response to criticism of government policy. The office of Prime Minister demands a certain dignity of those who hold it, and they must be able to put themselves above the pettiness of everyday politics."
Exactly the point, Mister Prime -
"And, anybody who disagrees is goo goo brained!"
Goo goo brained, Mister Prime Minister? Really?
"Yes, goo goo brained, dadblastit! But, why are we talking about this? Why don't you ask me how Canada did at the seven nation economic summit in Tokyo?"
How Canada did at the seven nation economic summit in Tokyo?
"I'm glad you asked me about that -"
But, Mister Prime Minister, I didn't!
"Oh. Well, since the subject has been brought up -"
Mister Prime Minister, I still have one or two questions about free trade. If you'd just allow me to ask them, we could get on to the other matters you wish to discuss.
"Well, if you insist..."
Thank you. Critics have charged that the reason you've been making personal attacks against them is that, other than the vague possibility that Canada will benefit from the larger market which the United States offers Canadian producers for the dwindling number of goods and services that do not already freely cross the border, you really have little justification for your free trade initiative. Further, they charge that you have no response to the argument that Canadian markets will be flooded by cheaper American goods, ultimately hurting, not benefiting Canadian business. How do you respond to such charges?"
"Balderdash, tommy-rot and nonsense. Those who feel that way are obviously rip-snorting, two-fisted, Brabdingnabian, nutsy cuckoo, oogy, tongue-wagging, silly, thumb-sucking, bed-wetting, mediocre, mentally deficient, fraidy cat, mongoloid, spineless, curmudgeonly, dangerous, hot-dogging, whippersnapping, bare-faced, namby pamby, mind-numbingly bizarre, reprehensible, wishy-washy, contrary, empty-headed protectionists without the least understanding of the complexity of international economic relationships. I trust I have made myself clear on this subject?"
Crystal, Can I take it, then, that your government does, in fact, have a cogent, compelling argument favouring free trade negotiations?
"That's right. And, anybody who doesn't think so is -"
Please, Mister Prime Minister. I think, by now, that I can guess...
"I'll bet you can't."
No? How about a dog-faced, immature wimp?"
"That wasn't what I was going to say."
No? Alright, what about a butt-burning, incomprehensible turkey with the IQ of a rotting tree stump?
"I wasn't going to say that, either. But, it's good - I'll have to remember that one."
Well, what about - hey! Forget about this! Could you tell me what your cogent, compelling argument for free trade is?
"I could, but we're out of time."
But -
"Thanks for coming."