not in america but
SEX AND ISLAM DO MIX
by
WAJAHAT ALI
__________________________________
Wajahat
Ali is a researcher at the Center
for American Progress and a researcher for the Center
for American Progress Action Fund. For more of Ali, consult
his blog.
America's
contradictory and passive-aggressive dalliance with sexuality
is reflected within its Muslim communities. For some, it is
difficult to believe that sexual organs function the same whether
they are hidden behind a burqa or a bikini. As a Muslim man,
I can verify that Muslims experience the same universal awkwardness
of finding ‘hair in new places’ as any other pimpled
adolescent; the onslaught of puberty is precisely the time when
parents need to have the ‘birds and the bees’ talk
to facilitate open lines of communication guiding them through
these changes.
In
many American Muslim families, however, the only lecture given
is "Don't do it." Although ‘it’ is never
defined, everyone generally understands ‘it’ as
a catch-all-provision for any first-to-fourth base activity
with the opposite gender before marriage. One would assume the
freedom of college would automatically cure all these societal
repressions and allow parents to be more open. However, the
story of comedian and journalist Aman Ali is sadly familiar
to many American Muslims:
"When
I started college, my mom told me: 'You're there to study, if
I catch you talking to a girl, I will break your neck.' By the
time I graduated, my mom told me: 'Why haven't you found any
good girls to marry? You're so old.'"
To
readers ignorant of Islamic religious traditions, this fits
a reductive stereotype of Islam as an austere terrain of angry,
bearded men who forcefully engage in joyless sex with oppressed,
silent women between bouts of burning American flags and eating
copious amounts of hummus. The other extreme depiction of Islamic
sexuality plays out like an orientalist fantasy directed by
the makers of Sex and the City 2 and features harems, hookahs,
magic carpets and a pornocopia of fetishes unfit to print.
Yet
Islam, as practiced by the prophet Muhammad, is refreshingly
candid and human in its treatment of sexuality. The hadith literature
– the scholarly collections documenting the sayings, behaviours
and etiquette of the prophet – provides ample evidence
of this. The early followers of Islam bluntly asked the prophet
about sex and marriage in order to correctly practice their
new religion. Many books have been written by renowned scholars
citing the prophet's healthy attitude towards sexuality, which
encouraged foreplay, playfulness and compassion between consenting,
married adults.
The
prophetic conduct towards sex has been abandoned by several
American Muslim communities, particularly those of immigrant
descent, in favour of outright silence. Topics including an
acknowledgement of realities such as pregnancies before marriage
or adultery are rarely mentioned in many Muslim circles; the
fear being that acknowledgement would act as an endorsement,
validation and inspiration for unislamic sexual deviances.
During
a Muslim's youth and adolescence, many elders promote repression.
However, when this individual becomes a single, unmarried adult
in their late 20s or 30s, they are bludgeoned with repeated
commands to settle down. Muslim youth are expected to go from
0 to 60 mph with a spouse, 2.3 kids and a suburban home without
being taught how to start the engine and how to maintain the
vehicle on its journey.
Sometimes,
age functions as the greatest prophylactic. This is most noticeable
in what is currently deemed the great epidemic of single, professional
Muslim American women in their 30s who face a double standard.
Unlike men, they are unfairly accused of forfeiting domesticity
for the sake of personal ambition. As the communities have failed
to establish a healthy paradigm for social interactions, there
is no quick-fix solution. Thus, they are increasingly marginalized
as write-offs, ultimately destined to roam forever as the single
walking dead. Single Muslim men in their 30s are like Will Smith
from I Am Legend – sole representatives of an
increasingly extinct species wandering the wasteland in solitude
and depression. The assumptions are either the man is gay, a
sexually promiscuous player and thus unsuitable for marriage,
or that he has issues with his 'equipment.'
Mosques
and Muslim community centres ensure singles remain sexless.
The gender dynamics displayed within many of these social environments
reflect the hypocrisy and absurdity of American Muslim gender
relations. The exaggerated gender segregation often found in
some mosques actually engenders the exact behaviour and mindset
it seeks to eliminate. It treats single Muslims as if they are
sex-depraved, ravenous beasts ready to pounce on one another
like a Jane Austen heroine unleashed on her wedding night. The
walls between genders – both figurative and literal –
are analogues to the pink elephant. The more you're asked not
to think about it, the harder it is not to.
Instead
of repressing the elephant, perhaps it's time to acknowledge
the elephant's existence, respectfully offer to buy it a non-alcoholic
beverage, and compliment it on the size of its tusks all the
while still adhering to one's religious values. There is hope
that the birds and bees talk of today will evolve from ‘Don't
do it’ to ‘Do it" – in a manner that
is respectful, comfortable and natural to the sensibilities
of Muslim individuals and communities.
by
Wahajat Ali
Islamophobia
in America
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