CHRIS BARRY -- NATURAL SEX PRODUCTS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY @Arts & Opinion

Okay, so Valentines Day is right around the corner and you know you’ll soon be expected to treat your lover like they’re something special. Yup, the pressure is on, and that no doubt means a little poking action will be in order after that romantic dinner you’ll be sharing together at La Belle Province. But it’s the middle of goddamned February, it’s cold, you’re doing all you can just to keep from slitting your wrists out of winter depression, and perhaps making love is not your first order of business right now. Maybe all the anti-depressants you’re on have taken a bite out of your libido, or maybe you’re just sick of your loving valentine. Whatever the case, you know damn well that heart shaped box of overpriced chocolates ain’t gonna cut it alone come February 14th. But fear not, softee, there’s a plethora of products out there to get you tingling where you wanna tingle, to help moisten the muck, to get that pathetic appendage of yours standing tall and proud once again.

Out of my deepest, heartfelt concern for all of you, I have spent the past week and a half sampling -- non-fuckin’-stop, literally -- various 'natural' over-the-counter aphrodisiacs in the most benevolent of efforts to see what works and what doesn’t. And though, yes, the activity has left me truly and honestly exhausted, I have indeed found that extra little bit of stamina needed to relate the results of this most important of studies to all of you.

To help me along in this endeavor (professionally, at least) I enlisted the support of one Johanne, the resident aphrodisiac expert at Sex Cite on Ste Catherine West, where I purchased most of the stuff, and Jim Pfaus, he’s an Associate Professor of Psychology at Concordia and the resident expert on aphrodisiacs over there. Here’s the scoop.

I knocked back three capsules of this product and didn’t notice anything particularly exciting pop up as a result. The best I can say about it is, maybe, just maybe, the actual goo-shooting experience is enhanced somewhat, but no more so than if you just left you’re best parts alone for a couple of days before calling them into action. The primary ingredient that both Johanne and Pfaus agree can stimulate sexual drive and energy is something called Maca, which, according to Pfaus, “will open up blood vessels to the penis or clitoris which could well make you more sensitive to stimulation.” Pfaus further argues that the alleged androgenic qualities of the actual Horny Goat Weed itself, (aka Epimediun sagitatum, Epimedium brevicornum) are “incredibly important for sexual desire” and may also help to provide you with a more impressive bone.

The main ingredient here is Niacin, just like you might get in a box of Count Chocula breakfast cereal. Johanne says a steady diet of high concentrations of Niacin will provide “erections that are absolutely incredible, almost unbelievable!” because she alleges it increases blood flow which, of course, is always good for the sex organs. Further, because All Night Long also contains our friends Maca and Horny Goat Weed, she feels she can whole heartedly recommend this product. I can’t though -- at least not with the same enthusiasm. I took three capsules and the experience was similar to the Pinnacle Horny Goat Weed. Yeah, maybe the bone becomes a little more mighty, and perhaps the goo shoots just a little bit farther, possibly with more intensity, but if you’re going to be spending $12.99 plus tax for three capsules it would be nice to know that said results were more than just a placebo effect. Pfaus says it’s unlikely that Niacin, on it’s own, will do anything more than help keep you healthy.

I discovered this stuff a couple of years ago when it was given to me by a friend who championed it as a mood enhancer that “might, by the way, encourage an erection.” I took two tablets one afternoon, and not noticing my mood enhanced in any significant fashion I sort of forgot that I’d taken it. Then, about four hours after ingesting the stuff, while watching Frontline on PBS, it came to my attention that I was sporting a bone like I hadn’t experienced since I used to shower with the boys after high school gym class. It was only after addressing the situation not once, but ‘twice,’ and still being hard as a rock that I finally remembered, “Oh yes, the yohimbe.” Everyone agrees that the active ingredient, yohimbine, will, in fact, sponsor ‘powerful’ erections yet not do much for you by way of sexual desire. That said, Pfaus warns that too much yohimbine might well give you a raging boner that lasts for days, aka priapism, which is probably not as much fun as it sounds. Further, he says, the reaction I had to it is common for men who don’t generally suffer from erectile dysfunction, but for those that do, it’s much more of a “hit or miss thing.” Largely because yohimbine can and will often cause severe anxiety, not generally something the impotent male wants to bring to the bedroom with him.

Johanne told me this was nothing at all like the ‘real stuff’ she used to get 30 years ago: a powerful aphrodisiac which would inspire “a truly fantastic 12 hour sex trip – even though a lot of women did die on it.” Nevertheless, she said it was worth testing out if only because the active ingredient is Cantharis, “a derivative culled from the real Spanish Fly,” though not nearly as strong as the real, “lady killer” deal.

The directions say to “take 10 to 20 drops as required” so I naturally assumed, given Johanne’s lackluster endorsement, that it would be wise to up the ante a little and swallow closer to 50 drops, just to see what happened. My wife and a mutual friend of ours both opted to down the recommended dosage and together we all waited to see if we would soon be frantically rubbing our genitals together but, alas . . . Nothing. Not even a twitch, let alone anything resembling increased desire. Pfaus says Cantharis “is an activator of the sympathetic nervous system but it’s very mild,” so he wasn’t surprised that it didn’t work for us.

This is, essentially, more yohimbine, and yes, it had a similar effect on me. This time, however, I was awoken in the middle of the night with an award winning hard-on but no desire whatsoever to do anything about it -- not that this would have offered any significant relief anyway. Given that I’d taken two of these pills several hours before going to bed and had already conducted my, ahem, experiment, the uncomfortable and distracting side-effect was really something I could have lived without – although typical of yohimbine based products..

This is total horseshit. The main ingredient is ginseng, which many agree will, over time, inspire the libido, but I suggest if you want to go this route that you save yourself a few bucks and cop your ginseng in Chinatown, where ginseng is generally labeled ginseng, not something that I, at least, have difficulty pronouncing. Johanne, Pfaus and myself are all in agreement over the quality of this particular product.

The logic behind this breakfast cereal’s alleged aphrodisiac properties is spurious at best, but fuck does it ever taste good. In fact, I’m prepared to argue this is quite possibly the greatest Scooby snack ever invented, bar none. As far as arousal is concerned, however, I wouldn’t get too excited about it unless you’re into scatting and suffering unduly as a result of constipation. Although Aphrodisiaque does contain trace elements of ginseng, the idea is, being granola-based and chock full o’ nuts and fibre, this cereal will promote better digestion which will in turn encourage mental stamina and energy. From there, well, it’s only a short hop to the conclusion that, “since many men have sex [sic] in their brain, wouldn’t it make sense to link a source of high fibre with an increase in their sex drive?” Um, if you say so, I guess. Still, I can’t get enough of the stuff.

Finally, Johanne has a couple of bonus suggestions on how to get all hot and bothered on the cheap. “First, drink a tablespoon of pure vanilla extract. Put it in your tea and it’ll give you that loose feeling, making you feel less inhibited. It’s great for sex, trust me, you’ll see.” Another thing she suggests you do is put ¼ of a cup of dried thyme in your bath. “It’s great for the blood circulation, and blood circulation is key to everything. Be it sex or . . . Uh . . . blood circulation is great for everything. It’s great for the clitoris too. It’s also a mood enhancer. You come out of the bath, and believe me, you’re ready to go.”

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