Diplomacy is the
art of telling people to go to hell so they'll end up asking
for directions.
“Friends
are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.”
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need
most.
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your
high school class is running the country.
You can’t believe everything you hear—but you
can repeat it.
If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did
he make them out of meat?
The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives
is after they’ve been indicted.
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building,
and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen
to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone
Ranger.
An encyclopedia is a system of collecting dust in alphabetical
order.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of
bleeding he sings.
When I want your opinion I'll remove the duct tape.
