Have
you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control
are already born.
Puritism:
the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
By
the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has
a son who thinks he’s wrong.
If
you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping
with a mosquito.
The
two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
Good
advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set
a bad example.
It’s
a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a
depression when you lose yours.
I’ve
got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
Before
you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer
with slow Internet to see who they really are.
I
want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
Anyone
who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
When
the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight
slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat
eight.
You
know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces
and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like
someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
