The
surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the
universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I
take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I
drink to make other people more interesting.
Never
under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
The
only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s
unfamiliar territory.
Happiness
is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another
city.
Always
borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Facebook
just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples
vacations was considered a punishment.
Having
a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing
section in a pool.
The
best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent
of their ice cream.
I
did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
The
best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a
time.
