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If Jesus Was a Pistol Slinging Gunfighter
If Jesus was a pistol slinging gunfighter
He would've shot up the wild ole' Middle East
In a grand fashion, like the James-Younger Gang; or
Like Calamity Jane, Annie Oakley and Buffalo Bill
Playing their Wild West gunpowder-poker card game.
Christ and His twelve would've blasted
Low cards straight to where they belong: INTO HELL!
If Jesus was a pistol slinging gunfighter
His rough dozen would've backed him up
Horror show style; spaghetti western proud -
With long rifles and long robes as they
Traveled around Israel creating mayhem
& murder in the name of God the Father,
With the Holy Spirit standing by like some
Silent assassin sniper, high in the sky;
Pushing all the right cosmic buttons to purge
Scribes and Pharisees, adulterers, money changers,
Unbelievers, Roman soldiers, liars, thieves, cons,
Betrayers, and pathetic hangers on
Needing healing, salvation or just a sight of Him.
If Jesus was a pistol slinging gunfighter
Things would've really been done right:
With power and might. He would've
Climbed off that cross, all bloody and cool
And He would've sprayed that unruly mob
With a good dose of lead. With that flaming
Beard burning like some miracle bush, He'd
Have had a thin, bushwacker cigar
Perched from the side of his mouth -
Puff-puff-puffing on it all so Hollywood style
As he blasted those barrels at those pagan
Soldiers who played games of chance
To win His most holy robe.
If Jesus was a pistol slinging gunfighter
He wouldn't have had to fabricate
All those loaves, fishes and wine. He
& His 12 would've simply robbed a store
Or two along the way of their nonstop
Itinerant preaching routine; en route
To the next shivering town. Yes, they
Would've stuffed saddlebags full,
Then rode off, blasting their guns.
If Jesus was a pistol slinging gunfighter
And Oh, if Our Lord was only a gunsmith
Rather than a carpenter, he could've
Created from thin air: 12 long barrel
Hunting rifles. And so why stop at this -
He could've made Uzis, M-16s, AK-47s,
Or even weapons of mass destruction.
If Jesus was a pistol slinging gunfighter -
Oh, think of all the good He could've done!
What a macho savior we would've had!
What a notorious Prophet he could've been!
His long beard on wanted posters in Jerusalem!
He would've shown Barabbas a real outlaw!
Mother Mary and Mary Magdaline
Surely would've bailed Him out of jail -
And those doubters, phonies, double-talkers
And frauds would've never held up to a good
Leveling of gunfire by Peter and Jude!
If Jesus was a pistol slinging gunfighter
Things would've turned out a lot different
And Hollywood would've had a field day
Of violence to work into the script
With our Thin, Long-Bearded Outlaw Savior
As the Star. He would walk so mean
Blasting off rounds while the 12
Swaggered behind ready to paint the town red
Before burning it down, then burning it down again.
If Jesus was a pistol slinging gunfighter
The New Testament would read bloodier than the Old
But with no Psalms or mushy parts. It would surely have
Been an R-rated Biblical adventure with no sex
But enough blood flowing to start another Great Flood.
He'd be high on the Mount, so Righteous -
Once in a while, He'd spit and yell
With His dirty dozen in the background, firing in the air.
* "If Jesus was a Pistol Slinging Gunfighter" was originally published in an earlier draft
in Clark Street Review, #10 (Copyright 2000); by Ray Foreman, publisher and editor
Outliving Karouac
Let's see how
Many places
Glow before
That kindly
Doctor enters
The antiseptic
Room, saying:
"You have
Two months
To live, Tops.
God, it's hard
To believe
You'd do this,
Especially to you --"
Well, let's go,
Kid, down
That interstate,
Pretending
Something's there.
Tubes in my nose,
In my arm, all
To kill the pain
That comes with
Living. Drive
Fast and lean,
Dean, two exit
Signs and we'll
Be closer to there
Than we've ever
Been before.
Sam Vargo has an MA in English from Youngstown State University in Youngstown,
Ohio, USA and has worked most of his adult life as a newspaper reporter. A year ago
he began his own literary agency, The Circle Literary Agency, in North Florida. He lived almost
all of his life in and around Youngstown, Ohio. He was fiction editor of Pig Iron Press,
Youngstown, Ohio, for 12 years. He has had poetry and fiction appear in the following:
Ascent Aspirations, The Circle, Clark Street Review, Connecticut Review, The Cynic
(an online magazine), Dandelion, Edifice Wrecked, Electric Acorn, Gypsy Blood Review,
Higgensville Reader, Late Knocking, Licking River Review, Lynx Eye, Mastodon Dentist,
The Nocturnal Lyric, nthposition, Ohio Teachers Write, Poetry Motel, Projected Letters,
Red Dancefloor, Reed, Small Press Review, Verve, undergroundwindow.com, Yasse, and other presses
and literary journals.
Email: Sam Vargo
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