Featured Writer: Patricia Brozinsky

Is Growing Old Gracefully a Misnomer?

What does it mean to 'grow old gracefully?' About ten minutes ago I viewed a television commercial, which was not very efficacious because I've already forgotten the product's name, but it did spawn my idea for this article. Much of our language has either lost its meaning or never had any.

In the commercial a dermatologist and his wife, a psychotherapist, emphasize that they want to 'grow old gracefully' thus explaining the reason they each swallow 25 supplements per day. I don't believe swallowing pills will make us graceful, which is defined as lithe, agile, dainty, pretty, delicate, handsome and trim. Thus, the meaning of 'growing old gracefully' continues to elude me.

Unless we die young most of us will eventually look old. And, people who look old-gray haired and wrinkled, gnarled arthritic fingers and toes, bent over from osteoporosis, and because of age-related-slow-metabolism or water retention have gained weight- are regrettably not considered among the in-group who are 'growing old gracefully.' These poor folks are rarely portrayed in the commercials. So, perhaps 'growing old gracefully' really means to "look good," and "to be aesthetically pleasing to the eye."

Let's never forget the precious message of the fox from, Antoine de Saint-Exupery's children's book, The Little Prince. The fox said, "What is essential is invisible to the eye." Being lithe, agile, dainty, pretty, delicate, handsome and trim are qualities usually no longer available to the elderly among us. Let's face it even some younger members of society will never possess these qualities. So, maybe now is a good time for us to reconsider what's important in life. Suddenly my mind fills with an abundance of amorphous images: being gracious; accepting conditions; being charitable; acting kindly; caring; having compassion; behaving lovingly; and being generous. These are but a few of the many ways to express 'grace.' Then the phrase 'growing old gracefully' would metamorphose into 'growing old with grace.'

The implication from TV, radio and magazine ads is that to 'grow old gracefully' in this third millennium you must have few if any wrinkles (you've had a face-lift, Botox or collagen injections), your hair has color (because you dye it- highlights and low-lights), you're thin (probably had liposuction, diet fanatically, and spend all your time at the gym), you have great physical prowess (good for you - for now), your body is well proportioned (you work out and diet excessively or you've had implants), and you swallow upwards of 25 supplements per day (hey, someone has to fund the industry). And, if you say that you are 'growing old gracefully' you are among those who don't mean what they say or you say what you don't mean.

'Growing old with grace' means knowing your limitations and shifting your activities when your aging body cries out "enough!" as it begs you to change from the strenuous sport your ego loves it to an activity it can more easily tolerate. And, more importantly, grace would mean that you would finally accept your new limitations. Maybe 'growing old with tolerance' would be an even more accurate way to describe what our society craves. This would mean that we would grow old and become broadminded, open-minded, lenient, accepting and patient.

Growing old used to be associated with giving back. According to Erik Erikson, the German psychologist and psychoanalyst known for his theory on human social development, our lifetime spans eight stages. This article concerns itself with the last two:

State 7: ages 40-65 - Generativity vs. Stagnation where the optimal potential solution is 'Caring.' And,

Stage 8: ages 65 to death - Integrity vs. Despair, where the optimal potential solution is 'Wisdom,' which, among other things, is the acceptance of one's life.

When people say they want to 'grow old gracefully' they really mean that as the years pass and their birthdays tell the story of their timeline, that they will do anything to look young and convince others to believe that they are young. In this third millennium age is unfortunately seen as a curse. And, the greater evil is that we do not venerate our elderly. Is there anything graceful about desperately clinging to youth - causing us to swallow 25 pills per day, subjecting our bodies to cosmetic surgery, obsessively exercising, fanatically dieting, sometimes binging and purging, wearing clothes designed for adolescents, and even mimicking the verbal expressions, facial and hand gestures of the youth - the very generation born to replace us?

So what does 'growing old gracefully' really mean? Enter here the 'great stretch of mind into consciousness.' Examine with rigor your reasons for dieting and exercising until you're a size one for an aging woman and a 32 waist for an aging man; examine why you would subject your body to a myriad of cosmetic surgical procedures; examine why you would purchase all kinds of anti-wrinkle creams; and wear tight low-cut Capri-pants that expose your belly, along with midriff tops that expose your upper "six-pack" abdomen. Are you really 'growing old gracefully'? Or, as the years pass, which they do for everyone (if you're lucky), and the adding machine calculates (which it does) is your psyche really denying the meaning behind all this? That no matter how desperately you cling to youth, you will die. We all die.

'Growing old gracefully' does not mean you must wear housedresses. That's not even a consideration. Maybe your mothers or grandmothers wore them in their 50s, 60s, or 70s. So what does 'growing old gracefully' mean to you? And, what do you suppose it means to others who are aging as you are aging?

Does the mirror, mirror on the wall really tell it all? Are you really 'growing old gracefully' at sixty years old, when WHAT you see in the mirror looking back at you is 'yourself at forty?' Whom have you really deceived - are you really still forty? Or, when you lie in your coffin will you merely be masquerading as a forty year old? And, those who attend your wake, waiting their turn, whisper among themselves how well-preserved you are!

To paraphrase the American writer Gertrude Stein's, "A rose is a rose is a rose." I believe that our chronological age despite our body's appearance, despite the sums of money we spend, the amount of exercise we do, or amount of self-denial we engage in, remains our chronological age. In other words, "Your age is your age is your age." And, no matter what you do, you can't fool Mother Nature!

Patricia Brozinsky ,Ph.D. a keen observer of human behavior has been a psychotherapist for seventeen years with a full-time private practice in East Patchogue, NY. She co-authored along with James A. Gibson, "Eat or Be Eaten: The Truth About Our Species, the Marriage of Darwin and Machiavelli," a book about human behavior. She taught psychology at the undergraduate level and co-lead workshops for Suffolk County Department of Mental Health, NY. The hyperlink to her website is Inventing Yourself The above article had its debut publication at: EzineArticles

Email: Patricia Brozinsky

Return to Table of Contents