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Some Angels
This is something I know: there are angels. And, sometimes they will surprise you. They will surprise
you because you expected your angels to be graceful and commanding, like a stallion, or like superman. But,
instead you will discover they can be soft and fragile, like a baby, or a hummingbird. And, you will finally
let go of your fantasy of being rescued by a large, swooping bird that lifts you from your misery, cradling
you in a single arm and flying you to safety.
The first thing you will learn about your angel is that he is living in his camper van outside of his friend's
basement apartment. The next thing you will learn is that he is living there because he left his girlfriend of
seven years, the week previous. On the first night you spend with your angel you will drink red wine and three-dollar
high balls and snort ecstasy until everything disappears and you will wake up the next morning on a strangers couch far
from home. Your angel's arms will be around you.
After a day together, you will discover your angel's mother died when he was twelve; killed instantly, by a car.
Later, your angel will confess that he tried to kill himself several times. And, he will tell you he has been taking
antidepressants for ten years. Your heart will break. You discover it has broken to make room for him.
Later, your angel will tell you, between the softest of angel kisses, that he cannot imagine being in a relationship
again. Later still, he will ask you to run away with him to Mexico.
After two days of knowing your angel, you will wake up with his round face, filled with his gentle eyes,
facing you, and you will realize that you have not been sober since you met. You will notice grease clinging
to the wisps of hair that flutter around his head, and his beard will be wild, electric; you will also notice
that there is not a single edge on his body, his flesh is as soft as an eraser.
When your angel leaves your house to brush his teeth and change his clothes for the first time in two days,
he will hug you. And, he will hug you longer than you can imagine. He will rest his cheek in the crook of your
neck, and keep his arms around you until your thighs tingle, and finally give beneath you. And, still he will
hold you.
You will not recognize this man as your angel, not right away.
First, you will realize that he is not coming back. This will confuse you. The places he kissed you,
the back of your neck, your cheeks, your lips, your belly, your upper thighs, your lower back, every single
one of your fingers, will begin to ache: a dull pain at first, but later a roaring fire. And, you will be terrified.
You will fear that your heart isn't strong enough.
But, slowly the painful throbbing will lessen, and then mysteriously it will comfort you. Next, you will discover
that you are miraculously intact. And, your heart is beating against your chest like a bird learning to fly. And,
you will be overwhelmed: your angel has left you with a new heart. And, it is then the truth will dawn. It is then
you will know.
Fainne Martin resides somewhere between idyllic Saltspring Island and
Vancouver, British Columbia. She is a writer/editor, housepainter,
treeplanter, and whatever else will pay her rent and and a buy her a
good bottle of red wine every once in a while. She studied English
Literature at the University of British Columbia.
Email: Fainne Martin
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