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Grumble All You Like
Grumble all you like--it's not going to change anything.
You think the actors on Charles in Charge grumbled? Not likely. They did
their jobs and look what they produced: some of the greatest cult television
ever made.
Fine, you don't like Charles in Charge. Yeah, I know Scott Baio gives you
homosexual shivers every time he looks at the camera. Ha, I nearly said
'looks at the chimaera'.
There're plenty more shows in the archive. How about Webster, or The
A-Team? Or look, one of my favourites: Punky Brewster.
What do you mean, why don't they make something new? Who the hell is going
to pay for something new when we've got all these shows in the archive for
free?
You're not one of those Idealists are you?
Sorry, sorry, don't take offence. I have to ask--we get those in here from
time to time. Research, they say they come here for. Destroy the place, more
like it.
You hear what those Idealists did to the national Videoteque in Paris?
E-bombed it, optical virused it, then burnt it to the ground. Luckily the
French are meticulous about backups, or we would have lost the core of
France's greatest television.
Oooh, here's one, out of Australia. From back in the good old days. The
complete collection of Neighbours. Eh? What was it? A soapy--a long
running series, you know. Like MacGyver, only they played it every day all
year round.
Yeah, a surrogate for real life, that's it.
I've caught a few episodes in the slow periods around here. Hard to believe
life was really like that back then, but the actors who're still alive that
starred in the show assure everyone it's all true.
Well, true fiction then. Stuff that reflects real life yet holds people's
attentions.
What's on that top shelf? I don't think you really want to look up there.
That's only a collection of odds and ends, bits and pieces. Outtakes,
mostly, and pilots. Not quality like all the other stuff I showed you.
What about this, a scratch-free compilation of Degrassi Junior High
episodes? Everything I know about Canada I learnt from this show.
Your friend told you that the best stuff is up on the top shelf? I don't
know how these rumours get started. Must be just kids, I reckon, playing
pranks.
How about we go look at my personal stash. I've got a complete series of
The Greatest American Hero. Real patriotic it is, in a funny sort of way.
Look, I'm not going to get down that stuff from the top shelf. Why not?
Well, I'd have to go and get the ladder, and I've got my gummy leg...no, I
won't let you handle them.
Yes, these ones down here are all common copies though, that's why you can
touch them. The ones up there--I'm not saying any more. You'll have to leave
now.
How much are we talking about? Whoa, someone must really like their cult
comedies. Let me go get the ladder.
All right, which one in particular interests you? Yep, afraid you were gonna
say that. Let me see if I can get it down. It's fairly heavy. Watch out
below.
There, you take your pick, but if you get caught with any of these, they
didn't come from here, right? I'm not risking being done for terrorism for
supplying you with social satire, even if it is that old.
No, no, I know I'm not brave, but I know what they do to those folk. Get a
whiff of it on you and bang! You're gone in the night. You heard about what
happened to old Jeanette Fairborough, the comedian, after they were finished
with her? That's right, you haven't, because they don't even leave a trace
behind. Only in old memories like mine.
You enjoy those now, if you can. And remember, these archives only have
wholesome shows just like the sign out the front says.
Ashley Arnold is an Adelaide-based writer with stories published in Ticonderoga
Online, Flashquake and Lorelei Signal. His story "The River Man's Spirits"
also appears in the Shadow Plays anthology. For more information see
Web Site
Email: Ashley Arnold
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