State of the Ordinary

You know your life is worth more than this.
You stretch out on your bed, touching the wall with your hands. You hear another bang at the door and a voice calls out to you. You breathe in and yawn.
You’d run your tongue over your teeth if you had one:
But you don’t.
That’s one of the reasons why you’re here.
Unfortunately, you don’t remember any of the others.
You sit up and spot an orderly dressed in white peeking through the window of your door.
He glares at you. He says:
"Don’t make me go back and get the keys."
You tap Morse code on your leg:
"-..." (B) ".." (I) "-" (T) "." (E) "--" (M) "." (E)
The guard frowns.
"You really think I can hear that from here?"
You hold up your right pointer finger and then wipe the palm of your left hand with it signing, "One minute."
"That’s good cause it’s all you’ve got before inspection."
The orderly turns around.
You walk over and unlock the door.
The orderly smiles and enters your room with two men following.
You slip out and walk down the hall to the recreation area.

Every morning the orderlies on duty toss your room.
They do this for everybody: searching for contraband.
They mainly search for sharp objects, but they’re notorious for confiscating junk food, even soda.
Bedrooms are for the sole purpose of using a bed.
There is a time and place for everything else.
You take your usual seat on the floor across from E.T.
You call him E.T. because he always squats on the floor and stretches his neck whenever he looks around. He shuffles a deck of cards and tilts his head as he smiles at you.
When he speaks, he slowly draws out his words.
E.T. says, "Hi," and you pleasantly wait the two seconds it takes for him to finish the word before you respond.
You smile and wave.
Elvis’ "Anywhere is Paradise" plays on the sound system.
E.T. counts out twenty-six cards to you.
You set up five stacks preparing to play Spit.
E.T. slowly counts off each card as he makes his own stacks.
The deck of cards is made up of fifty-two painted masterpieces. Looking down at your cards you examine works by Bellini, Watteau, Copley, Renoir, and Ghirlandaio.
The two of you begin to play.
Casey, full of excitement, comes running down the hallway.
He flops down beside you and E.T.
He bounces and pants. He says:
"I had a wet dream, I had a wet dream!"
He stretches out his leg to show you proof.
You stare at him.
You offer a peace sign and pretend to snip the air with your fingers before giving Casey a thumbs up: "Very good."
Every afternoon you visit the head nurse for a check-up.
Throughout the day you never leave the third floor of the Richfield Facility for the Mentally Challenged, and the guards easily hunt you down when time comes for your visit to Nurse Maya.
You enter Maya’s large, well-maintained office.
She is not in the room and you take a seat by her desk.
You quietly wait and suddenly Maya enters.
She rushes across the room. She says:
"Hello J., how’s this afternoon treating you so far?"
You shrug. She sits.
She lays a file open on her desk. She asks:
"You manage to remember your name?"
You shake your head.
You try again to think of your name, but it doesn’t come to you. You don’t remember anything outside of Richfield.
"Well," she says, "We’ll still stick with J. Doe for now."
You repeatedly tap "..." (S) on your knee.
Maya reads through a report.
She doesn’t look up when she speaks. She says:
"Says here they confiscated a toothpick this morning."
She looks at you.
"You know anything about that?" She asks.
You look at her confused.
You try to think of dangerous uses for toothpicks.
"This counts as contraband," she says.
You glare at her and mouth the letters "O-K."
"Have you experienced any new memories?" She asks.
You stare off at the ceiling.
You think of poking your eyes out with toothpicks.
Maya leans forward and says, "J.?"
You jump at hearing her voice and fumble for a pen and paper.
You write:
"Casey had a wet dream."
You pass the note to her.
She reads it and looks up at you without making a sound.
You look into her eyes.
Maya was imported from Mexico with her parents and three older brothers in the early eighties. She is the pride of her mother as the brothers have yet to attend high school. Her father died a couple years back having never congratulated his daughter on her achievements.
One of her brothers lives on another floor of the facility.
"I mean the life you’ve forgotten," she says sternly.
You smile and shake your head.
You blindly acknowledge what she has to say for the duration of the meeting. You straighten up in your seat when she mentions seeing you later in the day at the group meeting.
"You have anything on your mind?" She asks.
Smirking you reach forward and knock on her desk:
"-." (N) "---" (O)
"Alright then," she says, "have a good day."
A new patient is admitted today.
You sit with E.T. and Casey watching a continuous tape-loop of waves crashing on the television.
You watch as the new guy is escorted to his room.
You look at him and try to guess if he’s really crazy or a faker.
Fakers are usually calm and patient.
You make eye contact briefly as the new guy disappears into his new room. You keep to yourself the fact that you recognize his face.

 
Naptime comes before the daily group meeting.
Sitting in your room thinking, you stare at the wall.
Unaware you tap on your knee over and over:
"-.-" (K) ".." (I) ".-.." (L) ".-.." (L)
You wait silently for naptime to end.
The recognized face remains in your mind.
Metal folding chairs are set up in a circle.
You sit next to E.T. who shuffles through his playing cards.
One by one patients take their seats.
Casey fidgets in a chair across from you.
He grins and waves obnoxiously.
You nod your head returning the greeting.
E.T., smirking, tries to show you his favorite card.
You glance at Boucher’s rendition of Diana but you turn your attention to Nurse Maya walking into the recreation area with the new guy.
Your breathing quickens.
Where do you know him?
With all the seats filled, Maya begins the meeting. She says:
"Good evening everyone. I hope you all enjoyed your naps."
The patients grumble.
Maya never breaks her smile. She says:
"We have a new patient with us; his name is Andrew. Let’s welcome Andrew to our family."
All at once patients respond, "Hello Andrew."
You are silent.
The name isn’t familiar, but you continue to stare at him.
Maya says:
"How about we go around and share our highs and lows for the day?"
It’s the same routine at every meeting.
You don’t pay much attention to what the others share.
You don’t laugh when Casey shares the news of his wet dream.
You keep your eyes on Andrew.
You don’t bow your head when a patient suggests observing a moment of silence for a nest of robins he saw massacred by a hungry crow.


You watch as it comes time for Andrew to speak.
He hesitates and looks around at the group.
His eyes meet yours and he smiles.
Your heart begins to race.
Your memory trickles back.
You stand up trembling with all eyes turning to you.
You stutter on your tongue-less words. You say:
"I, all, em, ill."
Maya stands and comes over to you.
"J., please, don’t be rude," she says.
You beat her hands away.
Your face becomes heated and you begin to sweat.
"O!" You yell.
You walk towards Andrew pointing.
"I all em ill!" You repeat.
Andrew nervously looks around the room for help.
Orderlies come from behind to grab you.
You tug from their restraint. You scream:
"E, oo, I, un!"
The guards drag you back to your room.
Casey, still fidgeting, waves good-bye.

Maya doesn’t knock when she enters your room.
You stop pacing and lean against a wall.
"That was very inappropriate," she says.
Squirming against the wall, you stare at your bed.
Maya sits on the bed. She asks:
"What was that all about?"
You tap your head with your finger.
"What do you remember?"
You try your best to explain that you witnessed Andrew commit a crime. You use a combination of signs and Morse code. You add your voice where you think it might help.
Maya frowns. She says:
"I don’t understand you. You’re talking too fast."
Frustrated, you beckon Maya for a pen.
She searches her pockets and offers a felt-tipped pen.
You look around for a surface to write on.
You grab the pen and move to the wall. You write:
"I saw him kill."
"Andrew?" She asks.
You nod your head. You write:
"He took my tongue."
Maya looks at you questioningly.
"Are you sure?"
You quickly nod your head.
"After all this time, you suddenly remember all this?"
You become more agitated. You turn and write:
"His face!"
"Let’s calm down J. This is a big accusation."
You hold up your hands in frustration. You drag your pointer over your left hand fingers: "What?"
"Let me go and talk to him first."
You groan loudly. You write in big letters:
"I REMEMBER!"
Maya stands.
"J., this is quite out of the ordinary. We can’t just take action based on your beliefs."
You throw the pen at her feet and begin pacing again.
She walks towards you. She says:
"It’s late J. Try to get some sleep for now."
You laugh at her.
She sighs walking to the door.
She stops and turns.
She frowns before leaving your room.

 
Late at night you are disturbed by a knock on the door.
You take a break from scribbling gibberish on the wall to see Malcolm, the janitor, looking into your room. You’ve heard of the favors Malcolm carries out, but this is the first time he’s ever visited you.
He smiles and points to the bottom of the door.
You look down to see a folded piece of paper halfway in your room. The name "Sullivan" is written in a child’s handwriting.
You bend down to pick it up.
Malcolm is gone when you look back out into the hall.
You study the handwriting as you walk over into the moonlight.
You unfold the paper to see that it is a note from Andrew.
There is no salutation. It reads:





"You really scared me today. I thought we weren’t going to mention what happened. That was the plan. In here they’ll never suspect anything. They won’t even ever find the body. Let’s keep it that way." ~Andrew
You start to panic.
You remember seeing Andrew kill a man.
You remember being forced to hide the body.
The man’s identity is just outside your memory.
You push away remembering the loss of your tongue.
You run to the door but it’s locked.
It always is.
Nurse Maya personally locks every door at night before leaving.
You are alone and you must wait.
In the darkness you play the scene of the murder.
You can smell the pine from where the crime took place.
You are alone.
If a mind makes a noise without a voice, does it make a sound?
Yes.
You are in silence with your mind screaming.
You remain alone in the darkness until the sun comes up.
When you open the door for morning inspection, you rush past the orderlies to Nurse Maya’s office.
You enter in the middle of a meeting with police officers.
You stand motionless holding Andrew’s note.
The cops turn to look: those sitting stand.
Maya motions to you. She says:
"Just the person we wanted to see."
Dumbfounded, you hold up the note.
"What’s that?" Maya asks.
You offer the note.
A man in an overcoat comes over to take it.
He reads it and then looks up to you with a smirk.
The man gestures to a seat. He says:
"Please, sit down."
You look at Maya.
She smiles. She says:
"It’s alright, I asked them to come by."
The man in the overcoat sits across from you in another chair.
He says:
"Nurse Maya tells me you’ve been suffering from amnesia."
You slowly nod.
You can’t help but squirm in your seat.
"I’m a detective investigating the murder of your father, Geoff Sullivan." The man in the overcoat says.
"Do you remember your father?" Maya asks.
You hesitantly shake your head.
"Your father was a rich man," the detective says. "He went missing several months ago. It wasn’t until we received an anonymous letter that we managed to find his body."
Your father’s face flashes before you.
Dirt drops onto his face.
Maya and the officers stare at you.
You shift in your seat.
"His tongue was cut out and placed in his jacket pocket," the detective leans in closer to you, "we also found a second tongue with the body."
Andrew’s note is passed among the officers.
They smile at you as they read it.
A couple guards exit the room, leaving the door open.
You have the sudden urge to pee.
"The cause of death was stabbing." The detective says.
You hear your father’s grunts from when each wound was inflicted.
"Your father was quite eccentric," the detective begins, "He kept an unusually large amount of cash in a safety deposit box. We checked it out and found some of it missing. We also found the murder weapon."


You feel sweat beneath your arms.
You wipe your hands on your knees.
In the hallway you hear Andrew yelling.
You watch as officers escort him passed Maya’s office.
You make eye contact with him.
An officer closes the door.
You hear Casey joining in with the yelling celebrating another dream he had.
The detective waits for your attention.
"Two blood types were found on the scissors: yours and your father’s." The detective says.
You swallow hard recalling the pain of losing your tongue.
"Yours were the only fingerprints found on the weapon."
You recall the cool metal of the scissors severing your tongue.
You used to wonder how some people could commit suicide.
You never understood how one could mutilate oneself.
It’s similar to how you lied to yourself.
Convinced yourself that everything was ok; you’ve done no wrong.
It’s another form of mutilation.
As you are escorted from Richfield bound in handcuffs, you stare at the ground.
If only you hadn’t forgotten the truth.
You were so close.

Gregory Hill is a graduate of Oswego State University and holds a Bachelors of Art in both English and Secondary Education and will be attending Western New England College School of Law in the fall of 2002. He has written a novel and other short stories.

Email: Gregory Hill

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