Billy

Judy hated to put Kola down. She was gentle and loyal. But Judy couldn’t risk her biting Billy again. He was so little; Kola could have really hurt him. She always wondered if this was the reason he could be so cruel to animals. The first time Judy witnessed it, he was frying ants with a magnifying glass. Silly things kids do. She didn’t say anything.

She did say something when he cut the legs off that frog. This seemed more cruel than it did with the ants. Maybe she’d been unfair to the ants.

When he doused the stray cat with gasoline and set it on fire, she decided he needed help. At eleven years old, Billy’s lack of remorse and disregard for life gave her a chill. The therapist said to put him in sports. It was felt he needed an outlet for his aggression. After each hockey game he seemed angrier. Was this supposed to help him with his hostility?

The day the principal called and told her about Billy’s bullying, she acted surprised. How could she say that his behavior no longer shocked her or even gave her pause?

“You need to come pick him up,” said Mr. Young.

“And then what?” she thought.

When she picked up Billy from Hibriten High School, she had just one question. Why?

“Why did you stab him in the back with a pencil?”

“Because he was sitting in front of me,” he said.

Just as she’d feared -- the boy, Jason, had done nothing to provoke him. Billy was suspended from school and was home for three days. Judy had to work and was worried to leave Billy alone. But what could he do? There were no more family pets.

When Officer Deeth called her at work, Judy was truly frightened for the first time.

“Ma’am it appears that he set off a home-made bomb in your backyard shed.”

“What?”

That was the last time Billy’s actions stunned her.

On the drive to the police station, Judy thought about what she should say and what the right course of action ought to be. One thing she knew: she couldn’t continue the way things were. Billy was now taller than she and outweighed her by sixty pounds. She hated to admit she was afraid of her own son. Boarding school seemed like the right option. They had a more regimented schedule, and people who could watch him around the clock. Clearly, she wasn’t doing things right with him and maybe he needed some positive male role models.

He wouldn’t even look at her when she dropped him off at The Patterson School. Never even spoke to her the whole drive up.

“I’ll come visit you next weekend.”

“Don't bother,” he said staring at the ground. "You’re dead to me."

Each time Judy visited he refused to see her. And when he graduated she was in the crowd, but his eyes never left the floor. A mother’s guilt is haunting, and Judy’s lingered on. What could she have done differently? Would Billy ever speak to her again?

She heard through the grapevine that Billy was living in Daytona Beach—he always liked Florida. She could remember when he was little taking him to Disney, back when she was still with Mike. Just the thought of Mike scared Judy. It was hard to believe she put up with his abuse for so long. He was always so hard on Billy. She wished she had protected him more.

When the phone rang the last person Judy expected to hear from was Billy, but she knew his voice immediately.

“Ma, it’s Billy.”

“I know dear. I know.”

“I’ve got a run that has me going right through Lenoir. Can I stay with you?”

“That would be great. I’d love to see you. I’ll make barbecue and cornbread.”

Billy was coming to visit! And he’d said he had a job. Judy went about anxiously cleaning the house. She went to the grocery store and bought all of Billy’s favorites. Did he still like sausage and gravy for breakfast? He sounded good on the phone, but the knot in her stomach would not leave. Maybe he was over that bad stage. Can people really change? She took a deep breath and hope filled her lungs.

She would be at work when he arrived, but she told him she’d leave the door unlocked.

When she saw Billy she hardly recognized him. His hair was sun-bleached and he was so tall and tanned. He had grown up to be a handsome strong man. He ate seconds of her cooking and even complimented her on the moistness of the cornbread.

“I forgot how much I missed the mountains.”

“They say when you grow up with the mountains they’re in your soul,” said Judy.

Later they sat out on the screened porch. They drank sweet tea and listened to Doc Watson.

“Man, that old guy can play,” he said.

“People can change,” she thought.

That night Judy lay awake in her bed and felt the pride other mothers had spoken of. Billy had turned out okay after all.

She heard a muffled whimpering sound coming from the basement and got up to take a look.

“Billy, is that you?” she called down the stairs.

Nobody answered so she went down to the cellar. Her hand was shaking as she flicked on the light in the laundry room, and there in the corner was a tiny blonde boy looking at her. He must’ve been all of five years old. He smelled of urine, and tears were streaming down his face.

“Dear God,” said Judy. “I’m so sorry.”

Then the phone started ringing. Who would have been calling? The answering machine picked it up--it was Officer Deeth.

“Miss Glen, can you hear me? You need to get out of the house now.”

Judy heard the basement stairs creak. She held the boy so tight.

“Shh,” she whispered.

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