Games for Married Couples.
By D. Bruno Starrs. Copyright 2003.
This play was first directed by the author and performed by the University of Melbourne Student Union funded amateur theatre group 'Selected Toppings' at the Beanland Performing Arts Theatre in Footscray, Melbourne in September 2002 during the inaugural 3D Fest with the following cast; WOLFGANG . . . Gavin Williams KYLIE . . . Olivia Crang REYNALDO . . . Nick Compton
Games for Married Couples. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By D. Bruno Starrs. Copyright 2003. (A cheerleader 'type' bounces across the stage with a placard stating; GAME ONE. A referee's whistle is heard starting play. The curtain lifts to reveal the interior of a modern apartment. There are two doors, one to the outside, the other to the bedroom. The walls are like giant playing cards. The furniture consists of sturdy black and white 60 cm cubes upon which (like alphabet building blocks) are affixed various letters or words. KYLIE, a young attractive, pampered socialite type -if there is such a 'type' - is seated at the cubes that spell the word S.O.F.A., dressed in a tennis outfit and filing her nails. She yawns. After some time her husband, WOLFGANG, an older, sophisticated and arty type -if there is such a 'type' - enters from outside. He is wearing a black skivvy and beret and is obviously stressed but pleased to be home. He casually tosses his G.U.C.C.I. bag and the keys to his S.A.A.B. onto the T.A.B.L.E. cubes and waits for KYLIE to acknowledge his arrival. She ignores him and enjoys his consternation. His confident veneer begins to crack.) WOLFGANG (Half to himself) Gott in Himmel! (To KYLIE) Ach! Vat a fucking day! 6 am to 8 pm vithout a break und not von take vorth ze keeping. I vouldn't vant to ever endure zat again! KYLIE (With sincerity) Poor snookums. Tell me all about it. Did that famous American starlet play up? Now what was her name again? WOLFGANG You know zat she is called Brittany, und ja, she vas intolerate-able. Such a demanding little child! She refused to come onto ze set unless her fucking poodle vas zere as vell. Und, of course, ze mutt pissed on a lead und shorted out half ze lights. Fucking unbelievable! I could kill ze little Brittany brat - it vould so satisfying be - like throttling a baby zat vas bawling at ze movies! KYLIE Wolfgang, that's a terrible thing to say! You know how I feel about babies! WOLFGANG Sorry, darlink . . . still, I shouldn't complain. At least I'll still get paid. KYLIE And exactly how much are you going to make, Mr. Director? WOLFGANG Exactly vat I am vorth. KYLIE We can't live on that, darling. WOLFGANG Oh, you are in ze good form zis evening, you impetuous little upstart . . . und vat vas your day like - did you even get up before ze noon? KYLIE Oh, Heavens, no! But Chloe and I did manage to squeeze in a few tennis lessons in between the daiquiris in the afternoon. WOLFGANG Hmm, I sink I vould have liked to have seen zat - you two pretty young vives prancing about in your scandalously short skirts vith ze vite bloomers showing ze peek-a-boo from underneath und driving your tennis instructor crazy vith lust. Ze poor bastard - I hope he realises how disposable he is . . . KYLIE And today was such a hot day . . . we were sweating all over . . . WOLFGANG Ja? KYLIE Mmmm . . . our shirts were clinging to our bodies, and of course, silly me, I'd forgotten to put on a bra . . . WOLFGANG Ach, ja . . . zat is sounding good . . . you vere vet, nein? KYLIE Wet? Oh, yes! In fact I'm starting to feel a little damp right now . . . WOLFGANG Vell, vy don't you come over here, you sexy little vixen? KYLIE Oh, are we going to do some rehearsing, Mr. Director? WOLFGANG Ja, but I vould like to audition you first. KYLIE Shouldn't you come over to the sofa, or should I say 'couch' - as in 'casting couch'? (KYLIE rearranges the S.O.F.A. as if smoothing sheets until the cubes read L.U.S.T.) So, how bad do you want it? WOLFGANG I am vanting it bad! KYLIE Yeah? WOLFGANG Ach, ja. KYLIE Well, you're not going to get it! (KYLIE pushes WOLFGANG away and he chases her around the T.A.B.L.E. cubes. Neither sees the door to the outside open slightly. They eventually stop, facing each other over the T.A.B.L.E. cubes which they turn over cube by cube until they are nose to nose. The cubes now read B.L.I.S.S.) WOLFGANG So, it's going to be another night of sordid little love games, is it? KYLIE I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Director. WOLFGANG Ve are going to play like ze cat und ze mouse. Or maybe ve vill play ze kittycat und ze master? KYLIE The kittycat is the master. WOLFGANG Meow! KYLIE Pfft! (The door shuts quickly but quietly as WOLFGANG jumps back) WOLFGANG Oh, you may be having ze sharp claws, darlink, but you're still no match for me. KYLIE We'll see about that, Mr. Director - you'll soon be playing the part of the naughty little boy sent to bed without his supper. WOLFGANG Vould zat make you hot, darlink? KYLIE (Pointing her 'mobile phone at WOLFGANG like a TV remote control) Changing your channel would definitely improve my viewing pleasure. WOLFGANG Ze question you need to ask yourself in zis audition is vether you're up to it? KYLIE Oh, I'm a 'method actor', Mr. Director - I live the part and consequently I'm always up to it. The real question is - can you get it up? WOLFGANG (Pointing his mobile 'phone at KYLIE. It fails to 'work') I'm ze vun who calls ze shots here, darlink, remember? KYLIE That's all well and good, but what about your little Director's 'assistant'? (KYLIE gestures with her 'pinkie' finger') WOLFGANG 'Little', hey? My, my, my - you're going to have to be punished for zat vun! Prepare yourself for ze spanking, young lady! KYLIE You're going to have to catch me first, Mr. Director! (KYLIE runs around the B.L.I.S.S. cubes with WOLFGANG in hot pursuit. He catches her and showers her with kisses. As he does the telephone on the wall near the bedroom door starts ringing. There is a brief blackout before a red spotlight is focussed on the telephone and then the lights come up as before. The telephone continues ringing) WOLFGANG (Deadpan) Zat'll be ze 'phone. KYLIE Rock, paper, scissors? WOLFGANG Vy not? (They face each other and play a round of 'Rock, paper, scissors'. WOLFGANG does 'scissors', KYLIE does 'rock') KYLIE Ha! You lose! WOLFGANG Damn! (WOLFGANG goes over to the telephone. KYLIE sits at the B.L.I.S.S. cubes) WOLFGANG Wolfgang Schmidt. Speak to me. (WOLFGANG glances at KYLIE and lowers his voice) Brittany, are you fucking crazy ? I told you it is over being . . . Nein, don't . . . Ja, vell, zis is not ze good time . . . Nein! You can't do zat! . . . Vat? . . . You are? . . . Ze PVC und ze jodhpurs? . . . Alright, I'll be over coming in ze twenty minutes . . . Mmm, mein sch”ne madchen! (WOLFGANG hangs up) KYLIE Who was it, darling? WOLFGANG (Flustered) Oh, ah . . . Zat vas zis new editor vorking on zat last dogfood commercial I vas shot by . . . He seems to have lost a feel . . . I mean deal . . . I mean reel! He is so fucking hopeless. I'm going to have to go over to his studio and sort it out. KYLIE Now? At this time of night? WOLFGANG (Nervously) Ja, vell, he's vorking to a dead-man . . . Um, dead-life . . . Um, dead-line, zat's it! Ah, if he doesn't make it none of us get ze big, fat chick . . . I mean crook . . . I mean ze big, fat cheque! I'll be back before you are knowing it, darlink. You von't even miss me. . . Nein, you von't even miss me at all. (WOLFGANG kisses KYLIE on the cheek, picks up his keys and hurriedly walks to the door) KYLIE Darling, hurry back - the game's just not the same when there's only one playing. WOLFGANG Ja, I vill being right back to start over and pick up vere ve left off ze second time 'round und repeat it all over again! (WOLFGANG exits. KYLIE sits and contemplates the preceding events) KYLIE That's the problem with being married to a director - you never know when they're telling the truth or just acting . . . Oh, well, might as well have some coke - I know there's heaps left. Wolfie won't even miss it. (KYLIE finds some cocaine in WOLFGANG's G.U.C.C.I. bag and prepares it) Whoa, that's better. Shame I'm all alone though. This shit makes me sooo horny. (KYLIE rearranges the B.L.I.S.S. cubes to read A.L.O.N.E.) Mmmm. REYNALDO (Calling from offstage and startling the aroused KYLIE) Hello? Anybody home? Door's open! (REYNALDO enters. He is well dressed in a casual ensemble, cashmere pullover draped over his shoulders and sunglasses propped on top of his head. He adopts an exaggeratedly feminine posture and lisps) Hey. KYLIE (Flustered) Reynaldo! How are you sweetie? Mmm, nice threads! REYNALDO (Admiring himself and striking a catwalk model pose) Yeah, pretty fine, hey. So, what's happening - Wolfgang about? KYLIE You've just missed him, baby. Care for a line? REYNALDO Well, I am going to the gym later - it'd give me a lift. KYLIE You know, Reynaldo, I could give you a real lift. REYNALDO (Nervously snorting some cocaine) Come on, Kyles, stop mucking around - you know that Chloe and I are perfectly happy and I wouldn't jeopardise that for anything, not even for . . . you. KYLIE But you're tempted aren't you, sweetie? Wouldn't you like to make Wolfie jealous? I know I would. REYNALDO You're serious, aren't you? KYLIE I can be just as bad as him you know. REYNALDO Actually, Kyles, I think I'd better be going. KYLIE Oh, yeah, sure . . . Listen, Reynaldo, I was just kidding, you know. It's just part of the games we play. And, like, the coke makes me stupid. But sometimes I get so pissed off at Wolfgang! I can never tell for sure what he's up to. REYNALDO He loves you, Kylie, I know - I work with him. Look, I really gotta speak to Wolfgang and tell him the news - seems we got the second 'Chump' commercial. KYLIE What? REYNALDO You know, the dogfood ad we just finished. They loved it - especially the editing! I'll just give him another ring. (REYNALDO tries to call WOLFGANG on his mobile 'phone) Hmm, "Not turned on or out of range". Tell him to give me a buzz when he gets back. See ya! KYLIE Um . . . Reynaldo, let's keep this between ourselves, huh? REYNALDO Mum's the word. Oh, and thanks for the coke - I'm gonna have a great workout now! (REYNALDO exits and KYLIE sits) KYLIE Jesus, I could do with a great workout . . . (Dreamily) Especially with him. (Thinking of WOLFGANG, KYLIE sits bolt upright) What's that bastard up to? Lost a reel my arse! And not answering his mobile! Is he playing in another comp? Or am I just being paranoid? (KYLIE rearranges the L.U.S.T. cubes until they read S.U.S.S.) Have I lost him too? (A referee's whistle is heard. Lights fade to black) (A buffed jock 'type' bounces across the stage with a placard stating; GAME TWO. A referee's whistle is heard and the lights come up to reveal the same scene as before, except S.U.S.S. is now C.O.O.L. and A.L.O.N.E. is now L.I.V.E.S.) WOLFGANG (After a painful silence in which he seems unable to decide what to say, he eventually speaks, but faster and more aggressively than in GAME ONE) Gott in Himmel! (To KYLIE) Ach! Vat a fucking day! 6 am to 8 pm vithout a break und not von take vorth ze keeping. I vouldn't vant to ever endure zat again! But vith my luck it is being a repeat performance tomorrow. KYLIE (With a little more animosity than in GAME ONE) Poor snookums. Tell me all about it. Did that famous American starlet play up? Now what was her name again? WOLFGANG You know zat she is called Brittany, und ja, she vas intolerate-able. Such a demanding little child! She refused to come onto ze set unless her fucking rottweiler vas zere as vell. Und, of course, ze mutt started humping ze continuity girl's leg! Fucking unbelievable! I could kill ze little Brittany brat - it vould so satisfying be - like throttling a baby zat vas bawling at ze movies! KYLIE Wolfgang, that's a terrible thing to say! You know how I feel about babies! WOLFGANG Sorry, darlink . . . still, I shouldn't complain. At least I'll still get paid. KYLIE And exactly how much are you going to make, Mr. Director? WOLFGANG Exactly vat I am vorth. KYLIE I can't live on that, darls. WOLFGANG Oh, you are in ze good form zis evening, you impetuous little upstart . . . und vat vas your day like - did you even get up before ze noon? KYLIE Oh, Heavens, no! But Chloe and I did manage to squeeze in a few tennis lessons in between the daiquiris in the afternoon. WOLFGANG Hmm, I sink I vould have liked to have seen zat - you two pretty young vives prancing about in your scandalously short skirts vith ze cute little cottontails showing ze peek-a-boo underneath und driving your tennis instructor crazy vith lust. Ze poor bastard - I hope he realises how disposable he is . . . KYLIE And today was such a hot day . . . we were sweating all over . . . WOLFGANG Ja? KYLIE Mmm . . . our shirts were clinging to our bodies, and of course, silly me, I'd forgotten to put on a bra . . . WOLFGANG Ach, ja . . . zat is sounding good . . . you vere vet, nein? KYLIE Wet? Oh, yes! In fact I'm starting to feel a little damp right now . . . WOLFGANG Vell, vy don't you come over here, you sexy little vixen? KYLIE (Cynically) Oh, are we going to do some rehearsing, Mr. Director? WOLFGANG Ja, but I vould like to audition you first. KYLIE Shouldn't you come over to the sofa, or should I say 'couch' - as in 'casting couch'? (KYLIE rearranges the C.O.O.L. cubes until they read C.O.L.D.) So, how bad do you want it? WOLFGANG I am vanting it bad! KYLIE Yeah? WOLFGANG Ach, ja. KYLIE Well, you're not going to get it! (KYLIE pushes WOLFGANG away and he chases her around the L.I.V.E.S. cubes. Unseen, REYNALDO opens the door from outside, pokes his head onto stage and watches them. They eventually stop, facing each other over the L.I.V.E.S. cubes which they turn over cube by cube until they are nose to nose. The cubes now read S.W.E.A.T.) WOLFGANG So, it's going to be another night of sordid little love games, is it? KYLIE I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Director. WOLFGANG Ve are going to play like ze cat und ze mouse. Or maybe ve vill play ze kittycat und ze master? KYLIE The kittycat is the master. WOLFGANG Meow! KYLIE Pfft! (Both REYNALDO and WOLFGANG jump back. REYNALDO exits) WOLFGANG Oh, you may be having ze sharp claws, darlink, but you're still no match for me. KYLIE We'll see about that, Mr. Director - you'll soon be playing the part of the naughty little boy sent to bed without his supper. WOLFGANG Vould zat make you hot, darlink? KYLIE (Pointing her mobile 'phone at WOLFGANG like a TV remote control) Changing your channel could really lift your ratings! WOLFGANG Ze question you need to ask yourself in zis audition is vether you're up to it? KYLIE Oh, I'm a 'method actor', Mr. Director - I live the part day after day and consequently I'm always up to it. The real question is - can you get it up? WOLFGANG (Pointing his mobile 'phone at KYLIE. It fails to 'work') I'm ze vun who calls ze shots here, darlink, remember? KYLIE That's all well and good, but what about your little Director's 'assistant'? (KYLIE gestures with her 'pinkie' finger) WOLFGANG 'Little', hey? My, my, my - you're going to have to be punished for zat vun! Prepare yourself for ze spanking, young lady! KYLIE You're going to have to catch me first, Mr. Director! (KYLIE runs around the S.W.E.A.T. cubes with WOLFGANG in hot, hot pursuit. He catches her and showers her with kisses. As he does the telephone on the wall near the bedroom door starts ringing. There is a brief blackout before an orange spotlight is focussed on the telephone and then the lights come up as before. The telephone continues ringing) WOLFGANG (Deadpan) Zat'll be ze 'phone. KYLIE Rock, paper, scissors? WOLFGANG Vy not? (They face each other and play a round of 'Rock, paper, scissors'. WOLFGANG does 'scissors', KYLIE does 'paper') Ha! You lose! KYLIE Damn! WOLFGANG (Smirking) Now don't be playing ze sore loser. Answer ze 'phone. (KYLIE sighs and goes to the 'phone while WOLFGANG sits) KYLIE Kylie's cubbie-house, rooms by the hour! (After a glance at WOLFGANG, KYLIE lowers her voice) Brittany, darling, I was just thinking about you . . . Hey, what's up, baby? (Shocked) What? . . . Oh, my God! Are you alright? . . . No, they're just scum . . . You're right, they just lose all sense of morality. Their lives become sick , um, games . . . Of, course, baby, I'll be right there. I'll look after you . . . Twenty minutes max . . . OK, hang in there. See you soon. (KYLIE hangs up) I can't believe it. WOLFGANG Vat's happened now? KYLIE Oh, ah . . . 'Felicity's' been mugged by some jucking funkie . . . I mean fucking junkie . . . with a dirty great big sting . . . I mean thing . . . I mean syringe! Um, they took her money, cards, keys, mobile 'phone - everything! WOLFGANG How could she call you if they took her mobile? KYLIE (Irritated) I don't know, Wolfgang, ever heard of a public 'phone box? WOLFGANG Sorry! KYLIE Anyway, I'm going into town to pick her up . . . I mean give her a lift . . . I mean, um, take her home. I'll try not to be too long. WOLFGANG But I thought ve vere going to have some fun. KYLIE Wolfie, don't be such a . . . baby. I'm just calling 'time-out', and, well, you'll benefit from a chance to re-charge your batteries. But don't wear yourself out practicing on your own, 'cos you know it's more fun when there's two playing. See you soon, Mr. Director. (KYLIE exits) WOLFGANG If zis is a game I must have missed ze kick-off! . . . Gott in Himmel! Vat a fucking day! (WOLFGANG does a double-take) I sink I am deserving a drink - or two. (WOLFGANG mixes himself a stiff drink) Mmm, zat's better . . . Now I vonder vat zat bitch is up to . . . Zis whole mugging thing sounds very suspicious to me . . . Ach, I'm just being paranoid. REYNALDO (Calling from offstage) Hello? Anybody home? Door's open. (REYNALDO enters. He is well-dressed in trendy skating gear, gold chains and bandanna) Hey. WOLFGANG Reynaldo! (Sarcastically) Hey, man, nice threads! REYNALDO (Admiring himself and striking a rap artist pose) Yeah, pretty fine, hey. So what's happening? Kyles about? WOLFGANG You've just missed her, buddy. Care for a drink? REYNALDO No, thanks, man. I'm going to the gym later - it'd bring me down. WOLFGANG (Rearranging the S.W.E.A.T. cubes to read M.A.T.C.H.) Vell, you know, Reynaldo, I'm going to bring you down anyvay - vy are you alvays looking for my vife? REYNALDO What? WOLFGANG Ja, you are alvays checking her out - vat's ze matter - losing ze interest in Chloe? REYNALDO You've lost it man - I'm not interested in your wife! Chloe just wanted to borrow her tennis racquet. She's starting lessons tomorrow. And anyway, you can't talk - everyone knows about you and Brittany! WOLFGANG (Reluctantly) Vell, zat's all over now. (With authority) So, Mum's ze vord, right? You tell Kylie and I'll tell Chloe about . . . Vell, I'll think of someone. REYNALDO Man, you can be an asshole, Wolfgang. If I didn't have to work with you I'd sort you out once and for all. I'm outta here. WOLFGANG Reynaldo, vait a second. Tell me - and ze truth now - are you on steroids? REYNALDO Get fucked, Wolfgang. (REYNALDO exits. WOLFGANG is amused) WOLFGANG Ha! Vat a loser! A mere spectator! (Suspiciously) So Chloe starts lessons tomorrow, hey? Very interesting - or am I just being paranoid? Ach, who cares. I am too exhausted to worry about it. Man, vat a day. Vat a fucking day! (WOLFGANG rearranges the C.O.L.D. cubes to read F.E.A.R.) Hmm, almost lost it today vith zat Brittany slut . . . Better be playing it careful . . . Don't vant zat to happen. (A referee's whistle is heard. The lights fade to black) (An elderly couple 'type' hobble across the stage with a placard stating; GAME THREE. A referee's whistle is heard and the lights come up to reveal the same scene as before, except F.E.A.R. is now D.E.A.D. and M.A.T.C.H. is now B.O.R.E.D.) WOLFGANG (Storming in angrily) Gott in Himmel! (To KYLIE) Ach! Vat a fucking day! 6 am to 8 pm vithout a break und not von take vorth ze keeping. I vouldn't vant to ever endure zat again! Sheesh! It feels like I've done a double shift! KYLIE (Dripping with extreme insincerity) Poor snookums. Tell me all about it. Did that famous American starlet play up? Now what was her name again? WOLFGANG You know zat she is called Brittany, und ja, she vas intolerate-able. Such a demanding little child! She refused to come onto ze set unless her fucking pet verevolf vas zere as vell. Und, of course, ze mutt ate ze leading man! Fucking unbelievable! I could kill ze little Brittany brat - it vould so satisfying be - like throttling a baby zat vas bawling at ze movies! KYLIE Wolfgang, that's an absolutely fucking unacceptable thing to say! You know how I feel about babies! WOLFGANG Sorry, darlink . . . still, I shouldn't complain. At least I'll still get paid. KYLIE (Deprecating) And exactly how much are you going to make, Mr. Director? WOLFGANG Exactly vat I am vorth. KYLIE Even you can't live on that, darling. WOLFGANG Oh, you are in ze good form zis evening, you impetuous little upstart . . . und vat vas your day like - did you even get up before ze noon? KYLIE Oh, Heavens, no! But Chloe and I did manage to squeeze in a few tennis lessons in between the daiquiris in the afternoon. WOLFGANG Hmm, I sink I vould have liked to have seen zat - you two pretty young vives prancing about in your scandalously short skirts vith ze leopard skin G-strings showing ze peek-a-boo underneath und driving your tennis instructor crazy vith lust. Ze poor bastard - I hope he realises how disposable he is . . . KYLIE (Teasing mercilessly) And today was such a hot day . . . we were sweating all over . . . WOLFGANG Ja? KYLIE Mmm . . . our shirts were clinging to our bodies, and of course, silly me, I'd forgotten to put on a bra . . . WOLFGANG Ach, ja . . . zat is sounding good . . . you vere vet, nein? KYLIE Wet? Oh, yes! In fact I'm starting to feel a little damp right now . . . WOLFGANG Vell, vy don't you come over here, you sexy little vixen? KYLIE Oh, are we going to do some rehearsing, Mr. - Huh! - Director? WOLFGANG Ja, but I vould like to audition you first. KYLIE (Angrily) I'm not going anywhere near that filthy 'casting couch'! (KYLIE moves to rearrange the D.E.A.D. cubes, reads them and changes her mind. The cubes are left reading D.E.A.D.) So, how bad do you want it? WOLFGANG (With malice) I am vanting it bad! KYLIE Yeah? WOLFGANG Ach, ja. KYLIE Well, you're not going to get it! (KYLIE fearfully runs away and WOLFGANG chases her around the B.O.R.E.D. cubes. Unseen, REYNALDO - naked except for a bathrobe - opens the door from outside, stands in the doorway and watches them. They eventually stop, facing each other over the B.O.R.E.D. cubes which they turn over cube by cube until they are nose to nose. The cubes now read F.I.G.H.T.) WOLFGANG (Threatening) So, it's going to be another night of sordid little love games, is it? KYLIE (Now frightened) I . . . I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Director. WOLFGANG Ve are going to play like ze cat und ze mouse. Or maybe ve vill play ze kittycat und ze master? KYLIE (Defensively) The kittycat is the master. WOLFGANG Meow! KYLIE Pfft! (Both REYNALDO and WOLFGANG jump back. REYNALDO continues watching from the doorway and, with his hand in the pocket of his robe starts, ahem, pleasuring himself) WOLFGANG Oh, you may be having ze sharp claws, darlink, but you're still no match for me. KYLIE We'll see about that, Mr. Director - you'll soon be playing the part of the naughty little boy sent to bed without his supper. WOLFGANG Vould zat make you hot, darlink? KYLIE (Pointing her 'mobile phone at WOLFGANG like a TV remote) Changing your channel might just keep your show on the air! WOLFGANG Ze question you need to ask yourself in zis audition is vether you're up to it? KYLIE Oh, I'm a 'method actor', Mr. Director - I live the part day after day after day and consequently I'm always up to it. The real question is - can you get it up? WOLFGANG (Pointing his mobile 'phone at KYLIE. It fails to 'work') I'm ze vun who calls ze shots here, darlink, remember? KYLIE That's all well and good, but what about your little Director's 'assistant'? (KYLIE gestures with her 'pinky' finger) WOLFGANG 'Little', hey? My, my, my - you're going to have to be punished for zat vun! Prepare yourself for ze spanking, young lady! Or maybe ze spanking is not good enough. Maybe I vill just be having to kill you! KYLIE (With very real fear) You're going to have to catch me first, Mr. Director! (KYLIE runs around the F.I.G.H.T. cubes with WOLFGANG in hot, hot, hot pursuit. He catches her and lifts his hand as if to strike her. As he does the telephone on the wall near the bedroom door starts ringing. There is a brief blackout before a green spotlight is focussed on the telephone and then the lights come up as before. The telephone continues ringing) WOLFGANG (Deadpan) Zat'll be ze 'phone. KYLIE Um, rock, paper, scissors? WOLFGANG Vy not? (The animosity dissipates considerably. They face each other and play a round of 'Rock, paper, scissors'. WOLFGANG does 'paper' as does KYLIE) KYLIE It's a draw. Now what? WOLFGANG I don't know. (They look at each other, unable to decide. The ‘phone stops ringing. REYNALDO shrugs his shoulders, closes the door and exits) Ach, fuck it! Now zen, I vas about to give you a vell deserved spanking. KYLIE Wait! I've got a better idea. Let's do some coke. I'm sure you've got some left. WOLFGANG Yeah, O.K. Although I don't exactly a pick-me-up need. KYLIE I'll just cut up a little then, you big stud, you. (KYLIE prepares the cocaine from WOLFGANG's G.U.C.C.I. bag) WOLFGANG You know, I can't get over zat little bitch on ze set today. Such a spoilt little baby! KYLIE (Snorting a line) Enough with the babies! You do know what day it is today, don't you? Do you hate me that much? WOLFGANG Vat? Today . . . Today . . . Oh, I'm so sorry, darlink - I completely forgot. KYLIE Well, let's not dwell on it. And enough of the games - eventually they get out of hand. Let's just relax and forget about the kittycat and the master. For a while at least. WOLFGANG My problem is I am being such a fathead - I don't know how to properly play. KYLIE Mmm, I love it when you get all humble. (KYLIE snorts another line of coke) WOLFGANG Und I love ze vay you are doing zat - you look so . . . in control. KYLIE I think the word you're looking for is 'horny' - you know only too well what this stuff does to me! WOLFGANG I do love you, honey, don't you ever be forgetting zat vun. KYLIE And I'm rather fond of you, too, darling. Here, have some coke. WOLFGANG No, sanks, darlink. I'll just mix myself a drink. KYLIE Whatever rocks your cradle, just don't overdo it. That stuff'll kill you, you know. (WOLFGANG mixes himself a stiff drink) REYNALDO (Calling from offstage) Hello? Anybody home? Door's open. KYLIE Come on in and join the party, whoever you are! REYNALDO (He enters wearing a tuxedo, white cashmere scarf and a spray of flowers in his button-hole) Hey. KYLIE Reynaldo! How are you, sweetie? Mmm, nice threads! REYNALDO (Admiring himself and striking a pose like Rodin's 'The Thinker') Yeah, pretty fine, hey. So what's happening? WOLFGANG (Angrily) Oh, ve vere just making ze babies - vat does it look like ve are doing? REYNALDO That sounds nice. WOLFGANG Vell, sanks for ze interest, but ve can menage - I mean manage - all on our own. KYLIE Don't mind him, Reynaldo. He's in a sulk 'cos of that Brittany Starrs actress. Ruined his day apparently. REYNALDO Oh . . . So, you know all about that? KYLIE Do I know all about that? I'm not so sure . . . Do I know all about that, Wolfie? WOLFGANG You know about everysing, darlink, you alvays do. REYNALDO Oh, I almost forgot, Kyles. Chloe sent me over with a new racquet to replace the one you smashed over that instructor's head. Jesus, these pro athletes - they think they can make a move on my wife? I'm just glad you were there to protect her, uh, honour. Chloe said you really let him have it! KYLIE Huh? Oh, oh, that was nothing. We get that all the time. He just forgot the rules of the ga . . . the rules of civilised society. REYNALDO Anyway, I left it down in the car. Back in a few minutes. (REYNALDO exits. There is an uncomfortable silence) WOLFGANG So who are you screwing? Fernando, ze tennis instructor, or Reynaldo, ze man for all seasons? KYLIE What the hell are you on about? WOLFGANG Vat am I on about? I'm on about you und Chloe getting all hot und bothered und vith ze tennis instructor - or somevun. KYLIE Yes, that's right. We both jumped his bones and gave him the time of his life - right there in the middle of the tennis court. He truly knows how to please a woman - in fact, he knows how to please two women. WOLFGANG Slut! . . . Tell me about it. KYLIE You sick little puppy, you. But you actually do think I'm screwing around, don't you? WOLFGANG I just hoped you used ze protection - all three of you. KYLIE (Calmly but viciously slapping his face) Is that what you wanted, Mr. Director? WOLFGANG Ow! Hey, I vas only joking. (WOLFGANG tries to embrace KYLIE) KYLIE (Pulling away) Uh, uh, you're out of bounds, fella. If you wanna play, go find a wannabe starlet. Oh, yes, Mr. Director, I know you get up to stuff with your actresses. But hey, I'm liberated. I know you're just a male. But that doesn't mean you don't get punished - I am going to make you suffer. For example, you'll never guess who I am sleeping with - and it's not Reynaldo or Fernando. It's someone I can rely on to perform everytime - unlike you. Someone who doesn't have to shoot crappy dogfood commercials - unlike you. WOLFGANG Shut up! (WOLFGANG pushes KYLIE and she falls to the ground. Regaining her composure, she dusts herself off and gets to her feet) Jesus, I'm sorry, Kylie - I didn't mean to do zat. I just lost it for a second. KYLIE I know you didn't mean it, Wolfie. That's why it's 'Round One' to me. WOLFGANG Vat? KYLIE You lost control so I won. I'm the kittycat and the master, while you are the pussy! WOLFGANG Oh, no, no, no. If anysing I von - you slapped me first. KYLIE Ah, but I chose to slap you. As you yourself admitted, you lost it. You pushed me, not knowing what you were doing. You forgot that the game has rules - limits. You can't afford to lose control when you play with me, darls. WOLFGANG Alright, if it vill making you be happy, I vill admit you von. Now let's forget about zese games und have a little fun. (WOLFGANG again attempts to embrace KYLIE but she again pulls away) KYLIE I don't think I'm in the mood anymore. But if you put in a little effort I could be brought around. I'm talking about some serious wooing, loverboy - but first you're going to have to regain my respect. WOLFGANG Regain your respect? How? KYLIE By winning the next round. WOLFGANG Fucking hell, more games! . . . Hmm, alright, I know . . . But you'd better be ready. Zis time I'm not holding back. I vill draw upon all my professional expertise - zat vich you so readily denigrated a few moments ago. I'm going to put on a little show for you. A little psychological thriller vith ze vorking title - 'Ze Trophy.' KYLIE Don't hold back, darls - hit me with your best shot! WOLFGANG (Placing a chair centre-stage) For you, darlink, a ringside seat. (KYLIE sits in the chair and WOLFGANG blindfolds her with his large silk handkerchief. He exits to the bedroom) KYLIE Wolfie, darling, you've gone all quiet . . . is this part of the show? . . . Wolfie? . . . I don't think I like this, honey . . . You're not going to do anything stupid, now are you? I know I said go all the way . . . Wolfgang, are you still there . . . Wolfie? WOLFGANG (From offstage) Vat's ze matter - can't you handle ze suspense? KYLIE (Irritated) Just hurry up and let me have it! WOLFGANG (He enters wearing KYLIE's old school uniform and a wig) I'm right here, darlink, und I take great pleasure in presenting 'Ze Trophy.' (He inserts a tape or CD into the S.T.E.R.E.O. cubes and an old pop song begins to play - maybe Kylie Minogue's "I should be so lucky". He dances to the music like a teenybopping young girl) KYLIE Man, that song . . . it was in the charts for what, 8 or 9 months? WOLFGANG Yeah, zat's right. But you must be concentrating und try to be guessing who I am. KYLIE Oh, duh . . . Too easy . . . You're Wolfgang Schmidt - the Academy Award winning director . . (Laughing) . . . Of your dreams. WOLFGANG Bzzz. Close, but no cigar! Remember, zis is a performance zat is going to be pushing you to your psychological limits. Perhaps you are needing ze visual clue. (WOLFGANG removes her blindfold and dances around in front of KYLIE who bursts out laughing) So, who am I? KYLIE I don't know, but you sure look cute - like one of your starlets on the set! WOLFGANG OK, zen . . . you are needing another clue. Let's just say zat I'm a mythical figure from ze future - a future zat never had ze chance to develop to . . . vell, to maturity. KYLIE Hmmm . . . Do I actually know this person? WOLFGANG You did. I vas very close to you. To both of us. KYLIE What do you mean? WOLFGANG I mean I no longer exist. I am . . . dead. Vat you see is vat I could have been after ze first day at high school. Vith you in ze tuck shop serving or on ze P & C committee working. I am vat could have been . . . Vat is now lost. KYLIE You're . . . dead? WOLFGANG Ja, sanks to, vell, sanks to you. KYLIE (As WOLFGANG's meaning dawns on her) I . . . I can't believe you're doing this. WOLFGANG You've guessed? KYLIE (Choking back the tears) How could you make fun of the miscarriage? How could you even suggest it was my fault? You're a fucking animal! You're sick! You know our . . . our baby is the one area out of bounds! (KYLIE storms over to the S.T.E.R.E.O. cubes and brings them crashing to the ground. The music stops abruptly. She fumes) WOLFGANG I'm surprised you didn't see it coming. It vas ze next inevitable step ven you said not to hold back. And anyvay, it's good for us - it's called 'drama therapy'. You know, cathartic . . . Hey, you sink I haven't suffered too, sinking about how she vould have made zis a real family? (KYLIE storms off stage. WOLFGANG, dejected, throws the wig onto the ground and paces. He shouts offstage to KYLIE) I'm sorry, OK? (Then laughing to himself) But I definitely von zat round. Und now I vill be getting ze action! (KYLIE enters carrying a length of rope and swigging from a bottle of vodka) KYLIE Sit! WOLFGANG (Sitting timidly on the D.E.A.D. cubes) Ja, honey, vatever you say. (KYLIE tries to tie him up but WOLFGANG pulls away) Hey! Vat you are doing? KYLIE Don't you trust me, darling? WOLFGANG Nein, not in your present mood. KYLIE Look, I'm over it. We both know these games are played at great expense to our sanity and eventually one of us always says something stupid. But you've earned some fun with that last little effort so I'm going to treat you to a nice old-fashioned strip-tease - real raunchy like! WOLFGANG Vell, OK, but don't be doing somesink crazy now. KYLIE Me? Do something crazy? Never . . . there. WOLFGANG It is being a bit tight actually. KYLIE Oh, don't be such a . . . baby. Anyway, you're going to get a kick outta this! (KYLIE sets the S.T.E.R.E.O. cubes up and plays a sexy tango. She commences to strip-tease and takes off some of her clothes) REYNALDO (From offstage) Hello? Anybody home? Door's open! KYLIE (Starting to appear and sound drunk, KYLIE tosses aside the now empty vodka bottle) Well, now, we have company. Such great timing . . . I wonder who it could be . . . (KYLIE gags WOLFGANG with his silk handkerchief. REYNALDO enters with a tennis racquet, now dressed in revealing gym clothes with oiled muscles and looking tanned, relaxed and confident. He smoothes his hair and soaks up KYLIE's admiration) REYNALDO Hey. KYLIE Reynaldo! How are you sweetie? Mmm, nice threads! REYNALDO (Nonchalantly striking a bodybuilding pose, or if the actor is slight of build, a tennis lob) Yeah, pretty fine, hey. I had to change a tyre - some fucker stuck it with a dirty big syringe! Didn't wanna get grease on the tux so I changed clothes. Um . . . why's Wolfgang wearing a dress? KYLIE Oh, he's rehearsing a new part. (KYLIE sidles up close to REYNALDO. They lock eyes, circle each other slowly and pose like figure-skaters. Mechanically, silently, KYLIE seduces REYNALDO with her eyes as she rearranges the F.I.G.H.T. cubes to read P.L.A.C.E. She is breathless as she rearranges the D.E.A.D. cubes WOLFGANG is sitting on to read L.A.S.T. He appears too shocked to resist) Mmm, sweetie, I think you could do with a pre-match massage - in the bedroom. You know, tonight is 'Games Night' and apparently . . . (Glancing at WOLFGANG) . . . anything goes . . . Even a workout with the opposition . . . (KYLIE exits into the bedroom with the bewitched REYNALDO. WOLFGANG struggles and goes red in the face. The 'phone rings. KYLIE pokes her head back onto stage after a few seconds and moans ecstatically before reaching across and answering the 'phone) Kylie speaking . . . Brittany, darling! . . . Come on over, there's a lovely young man I'd like you to meet . . . Yes, like the time with Fernando. Yes, that's right - 'ménage a trois' . . . Mmm, just let yourself in - the door's always open . . . Oh, Reynaldo, that's fantastic . . . Hurry, Brittany, hurry! (KYLIE hangs up as WOLFGANG struggles madly. She mockingly addresses him in his accent) Now, now, Volfgang - Don't be playink ze sore loser! (KYLIE withdraws to the bedroom, giggling. WOLFGANG triumphantly breaks free but as he does a referee's whistle is heard indicating 'Full time'. He slumps. After a pause he reaches for his mobile phone and starts dialing. He stops and pauses again) WOLFGANG Ach, fuck it! (WOLFGANG points the phone to his temple and pulls the 'trigger'. A loud gunshot is heard and the lights immediately extinguish) CURTAIN. Copyright (c) 2003 D.Bruno Starrs
Welcome to Newsgroup alt.centipede. Established
just for writers, poets, artists, and anyone who is creative. A
place for anyone to participate in, to share their poems, and
learn from all. A place to share *your* dreams, and philosophies.
Even a chance to be published in a magazine.
The original Centipede Network was created on May 16, 1993.
Created because there were no other networks dedicated to such
an audience, and with the help of Klaus Gerken, Centipede soon
started to grow, and become active on many world-wide Bulletin
Board Systems.
We consider Centipede to be a Public Network; however, its a
specialized network, dealing with any type of creative thinking.
Therefore, that makes us something quite exotic, since most nets
are very general and have various topics, not of interest to a
writer--which is where Centipede steps in! No more fuss. A writer
can now access, without phasing out any more conferences, since
the whole net pertains to the writer's interests. This means
that Centipede has all the active topics that any creative
user seeks. And if we don't, then one shall be created.
Feel free to drop by and take a look at newsgroup alt.centipede
Ygdrasil is committed to making literature available, and uses the
Internet as the main distribution channel. On the Net you can find all
of Ygdrasil including the magazines and collections. You can find
Ygdrasil on the Internet at:
* WEB: http://www.synapse.net/~kgerken/
* FTP: ftp://ftp.synapse.net/~kgerken/
* USENET: releases announced in rec.arts.poems, alt.zines and
alt.centipede
* EMAIL: send email to kgerken@synapse.net and tell us what version
and method you'd like. We have two versions, an uncompressed
7-bit universal ASCII and an 8-bit MS-DOS lineart-enchanced
version. These can be sent plaintext, uuencoded, or as a
MIME-attachment.
. REMEMBERY: EPYLLION IN ANAMNESIS (1996), poems by Michael R. Collings . DYNASTY (1968), Poems by Klaus J. Gerken . THE WIZARD EXPLODED SONGBOOK (1969), songs by KJ Gerken . STREETS (1971), Poems by Klaus J. Gerken . BLOODLETTING (1972) poems by Klaus J. Gerken . ACTS (1972) a novel by Klaus J. Gerken . RITES (1974), a novel by Klaus J. Gerken . FULL BLACK Q (1975), a poem by KJ Gerken . ONE NEW FLASH OF LIGHT (1976), a play by KJ Gerken . THE BLACKED-OUT MIRROR (1979), a poem by Klaus J. Gerken . JOURNEY (1981), a poem by Klaus J. Gerken . LADIES (1983), a poem by Klaus J. Gerken . FRAGMENTS OF A BRIEF ENCOUNTER (1984), poems by KJ Gerken . THE BREAKING OF DESIRE (1986), poems by KJ Gerken . FURTHER SONGS (1986), songs by KJ Gerken . POEMS OF DESTRUCTION (1988), poems by KJ Gerken . THE AFFLICTED (1991), a poem by KJ Gerken . DIAMOND DOGS (1992), poems by KJ Gerken . KILLING FIELD (1992), a poem by KJ Gerken . BARDO (1994-1995), a poem by Klaus J. Gerken . FURTHER EVIDENCES (1995-1996) Poems by Klaus J. Gerken . CALIBAN'S ESCAPE AND OTHER POEMS (1996), by Klaus J. Gerken . CALIBAN'S DREAM (1996-1997), a poem by Klaus J. Gerken . THE LAST OLD MAN (1997), a novel by Klaus J. Gerken . WILL I EVER REMEMBER YOU? (1997), poems by Klaus J. Gerken . SONGS FOR THE LEGION (1998), song-poems by Klaus J. Gerken . REALITY OR DREAM? (1998), poems by Klaus J. Gerken . APRIL VIOLATIONS (1998), poems by Klaus J. Gerken . THE VOICE OF HUNGER (1998), a poem by Klaus J. Gerken . SHACKLED TO THE STONE, by Albrecht Haushofer - translated by JR Wesdorp . MZ-DMZ (1988), ramblings by Igal Koshevoy . DARK SIDE (1991), ramblings by Igal Koshevoy . STEEL REIGNS & STILL RAINS (1993), ramblings by Igal Koshevoy . BLATANT VANITY (1993), ramblings by Igal Koshevoy . ALIENATION OF AFFECTION (1993), ramblings by Igal Koshevoy . LIVING LIFE AT FACE VALUE (1993), ramblings by Igal Koshevoy . HATRED BLURRED (1993), ramblings by Igal Koshevoy . CHOKING ON THE ASHES OF A RUNAWAY (1993), ramblings by I. Koshevoy . BORROWED FEELINGS BUYING TIME (1993), ramblings by Igal Koshevoy . HARD ACT TO SWALLOW (1994), ramblings by Igal Koshevoy . HALL OF MIRRORS (1994), ramblings by Igal Koshevoy . ARTIFICIAL BUOYANCY (1994), ramblings by Igal Koshevoy . THE POETRY OF PEDRO SENA, poems by Pedro Sena . THE FILM REVIEWS, by Pedro Sena . THE SHORT STORIES, by Pedro Sena . INCANTATIONS, by Pedro Sena . POEMS (1970), poems by Franz Zorn All books are on disk and cost $10.00 each. Checks should be made out to the respective authors and orders will be forwarded by Ygdrasil Press. YGDRASIL MAGAZINE may also be ordered from the same address: $5.00 an issue to cover disk and mailing costs, also specify computer type (IBM or Mac), as well as disk size and density. Allow 2 weeks for delivery. Note that YGDRASIL MAGAZINE is free when downloaded from Ygdrasil's World-Wide Web site at http://www.synapse.net/~kgerken.
All poems copyrighted by their respective authors. Any reproduction of
these poems, without the express written permission of the authors, is
prohibited.
YGDRASIL: A Journal of the Poetic Arts - Copyright (c) 1993 - 2001 by
Klaus J. Gerken.
The official version of this magazine is available on Ygdrasil's
World-Wide Web site http://www.synapse.net/~kgerken. No other
version shall be deemed "authorized" unless downloaded from there.
Distribution is allowed and encouraged as long as the issue is unchanged.
All checks should be made out to: YGDRASIL PRESS
COMMENTS
* Klaus Gerken, Chief Editor - for general messages and ASCII text
submissions. Use Klaus' address for commentary on Ygdrasil and its
contents: kgerken@synapse.net
* Pedro Sena, Production Editor - for submissions of anything
that's not plain ASCII text (ie. archives, GIFs, wordprocessored
files, etc) in any standard DOS, Mac or Unix format, commentary on
Ygdrasil's format, distribution, usability and access:
art@accces.com
Games for Married Couples.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By D. Bruno Starrs. Copyright 2003.
(A cheerleader 'type' bounces across the stage with a placard stating;
GAME ONE.
A referee's whistle is heard starting play. The curtain lifts to reveal
the interior of a modern apartment. There are two doors, one to the
outside, the other to the bedroom. The walls are like giant playing cards.
The furniture consists of sturdy black and white 60 cm cubes upon
which (like alphabet building blocks) are affixed various letters or
words. KYLIE, a young attractive, pampered socialite type -if there is
such a 'type' - is seated at the cubes that spell the word S.O.F.A.,
dressed in a tennis outfit and filing her nails. She yawns. After some
time her husband, WOLFGANG, an older, sophisticated and arty type -if
there is such a 'type' - enters from outside. He is wearing a black
skivvy and beret and is obviously stressed but pleased to be home. He
casually tosses his G.U.C.C.I. bag and the keys to his S.A.A.B. onto
the T.A.B.L.E. cubes and waits for KYLIE to acknowledge his arrival.
She ignores him and enjoys his consternation. His confident veneer
begins to crack.)
WOLFGANG
(Half to himself)
Gott in Himmel!
(To KYLIE)
Ach! Vat a fucking day! 6 am to 8 pm vithout a break und not von take
vorth ze keeping. I vouldn't vant to ever endure zat again!
KYLIE
(With sincerity)
Poor snookums. Tell me all about it. Did that famous American starlet
play up? Now what was her name again?
WOLFGANG
You know zat she is called Brittany, und ja, she vas intolerate-able.
Such a demanding little child! She refused to come onto ze set unless
her fucking poodle vas zere as vell. Und, of course, ze mutt pissed on a
lead und shorted out half ze lights. Fucking unbelievable! I could kill
ze little Brittany brat - it vould so satisfying be - like throttling a
baby zat vas bawling at ze movies!
KYLIE
Wolfgang, that's a terrible thing to say! You know how I feel about
babies!
WOLFGANG
Sorry, darlink . . . still, I shouldn't complain. At least I'll still
get paid.
KYLIE
And exactly how much are you going to make, Mr. Director?
WOLFGANG
Exactly vat I am vorth.
KYLIE
We can't live on that, darling.
WOLFGANG
Oh, you are in ze good form zis evening, you impetuous little upstart . . .
und vat vas your day like - did you even get up before ze noon?
KYLIE
Oh, Heavens, no! But Chloe and I did manage to squeeze in a few tennis
lessons in between the daiquiris in the afternoon.
WOLFGANG
Hmm, I sink I vould have liked to have seen zat - you two pretty young
vives prancing about in your scandalously short skirts vith ze vite
bloomers showing ze peek-a-boo from underneath und driving your tennis
instructor crazy vith lust. Ze poor bastard - I hope he realises how
disposable he is . . .
KYLIE
And today was such a hot day . . . we were sweating all over . . .
WOLFGANG
Ja?
KYLIE
Mmmm . . . our shirts were clinging to our bodies, and of course, silly
me, I'd forgotten to put on a bra . . .
WOLFGANG
Ach, ja . . . zat is sounding good . . . you vere vet, nein?
KYLIE
Wet? Oh, yes! In fact I'm starting to feel a little damp right now . . .
WOLFGANG
Vell, vy don't you come over here, you sexy little vixen?
KYLIE
Oh, are we going to do some rehearsing, Mr. Director?
WOLFGANG
Ja, but I vould like to audition you first.
KYLIE
Shouldn't you come over to the sofa, or should I say 'couch' - as in
'casting couch'?
(KYLIE rearranges the S.O.F.A. as if smoothing sheets until the cubes
read L.U.S.T.)
So, how bad do you want it?
WOLFGANG
I am vanting it bad!
KYLIE
Yeah?
WOLFGANG
Ach, ja.
KYLIE
Well, you're not going to get it!
(KYLIE pushes WOLFGANG away and he chases her around the T.A.B.L.E. cubes.
Neither sees the door to the outside open slightly. They eventually stop,
facing each other over the T.A.B.L.E. cubes which they turn over cube by
cube until they are nose to nose. The cubes now read B.L.I.S.S.)
WOLFGANG
So, it's going to be another night of sordid little love games, is it?
KYLIE
I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Director.
WOLFGANG
Ve are going to play like ze cat und ze mouse. Or maybe ve vill play ze
kittycat und ze master?
KYLIE
The kittycat is the master.
WOLFGANG
Meow!
KYLIE
Pfft!
(The door shuts quickly but quietly as WOLFGANG jumps back)
WOLFGANG
Oh, you may be having ze sharp claws, darlink, but you're still no match
for me.
KYLIE
We'll see about that, Mr. Director - you'll soon be playing the part of
the naughty little boy sent to bed without his supper.
WOLFGANG
Vould zat make you hot, darlink?
KYLIE
(Pointing her 'mobile phone at WOLFGANG like a TV remote control)
Changing your channel would definitely improve my viewing pleasure.
WOLFGANG
Ze question you need to ask yourself in zis audition is vether you're up
to it?
KYLIE
Oh, I'm a 'method actor', Mr. Director - I live the part and consequently
I'm always up to it. The real question is - can you get it up?
WOLFGANG
(Pointing his mobile 'phone at KYLIE. It fails to 'work')
I'm ze vun who calls ze shots here, darlink, remember?
KYLIE
That's all well and good, but what about your little Director's 'assistant'?
(KYLIE gestures with her 'pinkie' finger')
WOLFGANG
'Little', hey? My, my, my - you're going to have to be punished for zat
vun! Prepare yourself for ze spanking, young lady!
KYLIE
You're going to have to catch me first, Mr. Director!
(KYLIE runs around the B.L.I.S.S. cubes with WOLFGANG in hot pursuit. He
catches her and showers her with kisses. As he does the telephone on the
wall near the bedroom door starts ringing. There is a brief blackout
before a red spotlight is focussed on the telephone and then the lights
come up as before. The telephone continues ringing)
WOLFGANG
(Deadpan)
Zat'll be ze 'phone.
KYLIE
Rock, paper, scissors?
WOLFGANG
Vy not?
(They face each other and play a round of 'Rock, paper, scissors'.
WOLFGANG does 'scissors', KYLIE does 'rock')
KYLIE
Ha! You lose!
WOLFGANG
Damn!
(WOLFGANG goes over to the telephone. KYLIE sits at the B.L.I.S.S. cubes)
WOLFGANG
Wolfgang Schmidt. Speak to me.
(WOLFGANG glances at KYLIE and lowers his voice)
Brittany, are you fucking crazy ? I told you it is over being . . . Nein,
don't . . . Ja, vell, zis is not ze good time . . . Nein! You can't do
zat! . . . Vat? . . . You are? . . . Ze PVC und ze jodhpurs? . . .
Alright, I'll be over coming in ze twenty minutes . . . Mmm, mein sch”ne
madchen!
(WOLFGANG hangs up)
KYLIE
Who was it, darling?
WOLFGANG
(Flustered)
Oh, ah . . . Zat vas zis new editor vorking on zat last dogfood commercial
I vas shot by . . . He seems to have lost a feel . . . I mean deal . . . I
mean reel! He is so fucking hopeless. I'm going to have to go over to his
studio and sort it out.
KYLIE
Now? At this time of night?
WOLFGANG
(Nervously)
Ja, vell, he's vorking to a dead-man . . . Um, dead-life . . . Um,
dead-line, zat's it! Ah, if he doesn't make it none of us get ze big,
fat chick . . . I mean crook . . . I mean ze big, fat cheque!
I'll be back before you are knowing it, darlink. You von't even miss
me. . . Nein, you von't even miss me at all.
(WOLFGANG kisses KYLIE on the cheek, picks up his keys and hurriedly walks
to the door)
KYLIE
Darling, hurry back - the game's just not the same when there's only one
playing.
WOLFGANG
Ja, I vill being right back to start over and pick up vere ve left off
ze second time 'round und repeat it all over again!
(WOLFGANG exits. KYLIE sits and contemplates the preceding events)
KYLIE
That's the problem with being married to a director - you never know when
they're telling the truth or just acting . . . Oh, well, might as well
have some coke - I know there's heaps left. Wolfie won't even miss it.
(KYLIE finds some cocaine in WOLFGANG's G.U.C.C.I. bag and prepares it)
Whoa, that's better. Shame I'm all alone though. This shit makes me sooo
horny.
(KYLIE rearranges the B.L.I.S.S. cubes to read A.L.O.N.E.)
Mmmm.
REYNALDO
(Calling from offstage and startling the aroused KYLIE)
Hello? Anybody home? Door's open!
(REYNALDO enters. He is well dressed in a casual ensemble, cashmere
pullover draped over his shoulders and sunglasses propped on top of his
head. He adopts an exaggeratedly feminine posture and lisps)
Hey.
KYLIE
(Flustered)
Reynaldo! How are you sweetie? Mmm, nice threads!
REYNALDO
(Admiring himself and striking a catwalk model pose)
Yeah, pretty fine, hey. So, what's happening - Wolfgang about?
KYLIE
You've just missed him, baby. Care for a line?
REYNALDO
Well, I am going to the gym later - it'd give me a lift.
KYLIE
You know, Reynaldo, I could give you a real lift.
REYNALDO
(Nervously snorting some cocaine)
Come on, Kyles, stop mucking around - you know that Chloe and I are
perfectly happy and I wouldn't jeopardise that for anything, not even for
. . . you.
KYLIE
But you're tempted aren't you, sweetie? Wouldn't you like to make Wolfie
jealous? I know I would.
REYNALDO
You're serious, aren't you?
KYLIE
I can be just as bad as him you know.
REYNALDO
Actually, Kyles, I think I'd better be going.
KYLIE
Oh, yeah, sure . . . Listen, Reynaldo, I was just kidding, you know. It's
just part of the games we play. And, like, the coke makes me stupid. But
sometimes I get so pissed off at Wolfgang! I can never tell for sure what
he's up to.
REYNALDO
He loves you, Kylie, I know - I work with him. Look, I really gotta speak
to Wolfgang and tell him the news - seems we got the second 'Chump'
commercial.
KYLIE
What?
REYNALDO
You know, the dogfood ad we just finished. They loved it - especially the
editing! I'll just give him another ring.
(REYNALDO tries to call WOLFGANG on his mobile 'phone)
Hmm, "Not turned on or out of range". Tell him to give me a buzz when he
gets back. See ya!
KYLIE
Um . . . Reynaldo, let's keep this between ourselves, huh?
REYNALDO
Mum's the word. Oh, and thanks for the coke - I'm gonna have a great
workout now!
(REYNALDO exits and KYLIE sits)
KYLIE
Jesus, I could do with a great workout . . .
(Dreamily)
Especially with him.
(Thinking of WOLFGANG, KYLIE sits bolt upright)
What's that bastard up to? Lost a reel my arse! And not answering his
mobile! Is he playing in another comp? Or am I just being paranoid?
(KYLIE rearranges the L.U.S.T. cubes until they read S.U.S.S.)
Have I lost him too?
(A referee's whistle is heard. Lights fade to black)
(A buffed jock 'type' bounces across the stage with a placard stating;
GAME TWO.
A referee's whistle is heard and the lights come up to reveal the same
scene as before, except S.U.S.S. is now C.O.O.L. and A.L.O.N.E. is now
L.I.V.E.S.)
WOLFGANG
(After a painful silence in which he seems unable to decide what to say,
he eventually speaks, but faster and more aggressively than in GAME ONE)
Gott in Himmel!
(To KYLIE)
Ach! Vat a fucking day! 6 am to 8 pm vithout a break und not von take
vorth ze keeping. I vouldn't vant to ever endure zat again! But vith my
luck it is being a repeat performance tomorrow.
KYLIE
(With a little more animosity than in GAME ONE)
Poor snookums. Tell me all about it. Did that famous American starlet
play up? Now what was her name again?
WOLFGANG
You know zat she is called Brittany, und ja, she vas intolerate-able.
Such a demanding little child! She refused to come onto ze set unless
her fucking rottweiler vas zere as vell. Und, of course, ze mutt started
humping ze continuity girl's leg! Fucking unbelievable! I could kill ze
little Brittany brat - it vould so satisfying be - like throttling a
baby zat vas bawling at ze movies!
KYLIE
Wolfgang, that's a terrible thing to say! You know how I feel about
babies!
WOLFGANG
Sorry, darlink . . . still, I shouldn't complain. At least I'll still
get paid.
KYLIE
And exactly how much are you going to make, Mr. Director?
WOLFGANG
Exactly vat I am vorth.
KYLIE
I can't live on that, darls.
WOLFGANG
Oh, you are in ze good form zis evening, you impetuous little upstart . . .
und vat vas your day like - did you even get up before ze noon?
KYLIE
Oh, Heavens, no! But Chloe and I did manage to squeeze in a few tennis
lessons in between the daiquiris in the afternoon.
WOLFGANG
Hmm, I sink I vould have liked to have seen zat - you two pretty young
vives prancing about in your scandalously short skirts vith ze cute
little cottontails showing ze peek-a-boo underneath und driving your
tennis instructor crazy vith lust. Ze poor bastard - I hope he realises
how disposable he is . . .
KYLIE
And today was such a hot day . . . we were sweating all over . . .
WOLFGANG
Ja?
KYLIE
Mmm . . . our shirts were clinging to our bodies, and of course, silly me,
I'd forgotten to put on a bra . . .
WOLFGANG
Ach, ja . . . zat is sounding good . . . you vere vet, nein?
KYLIE
Wet? Oh, yes! In fact I'm starting to feel a little damp right now . . .
WOLFGANG
Vell, vy don't you come over here, you sexy little vixen?
KYLIE
(Cynically)
Oh, are we going to do some rehearsing, Mr. Director?
WOLFGANG
Ja, but I vould like to audition you first.
KYLIE
Shouldn't you come over to the sofa, or should I say 'couch' - as in
'casting couch'?
(KYLIE rearranges the C.O.O.L. cubes until they read C.O.L.D.)
So, how bad do you want it?
WOLFGANG
I am vanting it bad!
KYLIE
Yeah?
WOLFGANG
Ach, ja.
KYLIE
Well, you're not going to get it!
(KYLIE pushes WOLFGANG away and he chases her around the L.I.V.E.S. cubes.
Unseen, REYNALDO opens the door from outside, pokes his head onto stage
and watches them. They eventually stop, facing each other over the
L.I.V.E.S. cubes which they turn over cube by cube until they are nose to
nose. The cubes now read S.W.E.A.T.)
WOLFGANG
So, it's going to be another night of sordid little love games, is it?
KYLIE
I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Director.
WOLFGANG
Ve are going to play like ze cat und ze mouse. Or maybe ve vill play ze
kittycat und ze master?
KYLIE
The kittycat is the master.
WOLFGANG
Meow!
KYLIE
Pfft!
(Both REYNALDO and WOLFGANG jump back. REYNALDO exits)
WOLFGANG
Oh, you may be having ze sharp claws, darlink, but you're still no match
for me.
KYLIE
We'll see about that, Mr. Director - you'll soon be playing the part of
the naughty little boy sent to bed without his supper.
WOLFGANG
Vould zat make you hot, darlink?
KYLIE
(Pointing her mobile 'phone at WOLFGANG like a TV remote control)
Changing your channel could really lift your ratings!
WOLFGANG
Ze question you need to ask yourself in zis audition is vether you're up
to it?
KYLIE
Oh, I'm a 'method actor', Mr. Director - I live the part day after day
and consequently I'm always up to it. The real question is - can you get
it up?
WOLFGANG
(Pointing his mobile 'phone at KYLIE. It fails to 'work')
I'm ze vun who calls ze shots here, darlink, remember?
KYLIE
That's all well and good, but what about your little Director's
'assistant'?
(KYLIE gestures with her 'pinkie' finger)
WOLFGANG
'Little', hey? My, my, my - you're going to have to be punished for zat
vun! Prepare yourself for ze spanking, young lady!
KYLIE
You're going to have to catch me first, Mr. Director!
(KYLIE runs around the S.W.E.A.T. cubes with WOLFGANG in hot, hot pursuit.
He catches her and showers her with kisses. As he does the telephone on
the wall near the bedroom door starts ringing. There is a brief blackout
before an orange spotlight is focussed on the telephone and then the
lights come up as before. The telephone continues ringing)
WOLFGANG
(Deadpan)
Zat'll be ze 'phone.
KYLIE
Rock, paper, scissors?
WOLFGANG
Vy not?
(They face each other and play a round of 'Rock, paper, scissors'.
WOLFGANG does 'scissors', KYLIE does 'paper')
Ha! You lose!
KYLIE
Damn!
WOLFGANG
(Smirking)
Now don't be playing ze sore loser. Answer ze 'phone.
(KYLIE sighs and goes to the 'phone while WOLFGANG sits)
KYLIE
Kylie's cubbie-house, rooms by the hour!
(After a glance at WOLFGANG, KYLIE lowers her voice)
Brittany, darling, I was just thinking about you . . . Hey, what's up,
baby?
(Shocked)
What? . . . Oh, my God! Are you alright? . . . No, they're just scum . . .
You're right, they just lose all sense of morality. Their lives become
sick , um, games . . . Of, course, baby, I'll be right there. I'll look
after you . . . Twenty minutes max . . . OK, hang in there. See you soon.
(KYLIE hangs up)
I can't believe it.
WOLFGANG
Vat's happened now?
KYLIE
Oh, ah . . . 'Felicity's' been mugged by some jucking funkie . . . I mean
fucking junkie . . . with a dirty great big sting . . . I mean thing . . .
I mean syringe! Um, they took her money, cards, keys, mobile 'phone -
everything!
WOLFGANG
How could she call you if they took her mobile?
KYLIE
(Irritated)
I don't know, Wolfgang, ever heard of a public 'phone box?
WOLFGANG
Sorry!
KYLIE
Anyway, I'm going into town to pick her up . . . I mean give her a lift . . .
I mean, um, take her home. I'll try not to be too long.
WOLFGANG
But I thought ve vere going to have some fun.
KYLIE
Wolfie, don't be such a . . . baby. I'm just calling 'time-out', and,
well, you'll benefit from a chance to re-charge your batteries. But
don't wear yourself out practicing on your own, 'cos you know it's more
fun when there's two playing. See you soon, Mr. Director.
(KYLIE exits)
WOLFGANG
If zis is a game I must have missed ze kick-off! . . . Gott in Himmel!
Vat a fucking day!
(WOLFGANG does a double-take)
I sink I am deserving a drink - or two.
(WOLFGANG mixes himself a stiff drink)
Mmm, zat's better . . . Now I vonder vat zat bitch is up to . . . Zis
whole mugging thing sounds very suspicious to me . . . Ach, I'm just
being paranoid.
REYNALDO
(Calling from offstage)
Hello? Anybody home? Door's open.
(REYNALDO enters. He is well-dressed in trendy skating gear, gold chains
and bandanna)
Hey.
WOLFGANG
Reynaldo!
(Sarcastically)
Hey, man, nice threads!
REYNALDO
(Admiring himself and striking a rap artist pose)
Yeah, pretty fine, hey. So what's happening? Kyles about?
WOLFGANG
You've just missed her, buddy. Care for a drink?
REYNALDO
No, thanks, man. I'm going to the gym later - it'd bring me down.
WOLFGANG
(Rearranging the S.W.E.A.T. cubes to read M.A.T.C.H.)
Vell, you know, Reynaldo, I'm going to bring you down anyvay - vy are you
alvays looking for my vife?
REYNALDO
What?
WOLFGANG
Ja, you are alvays checking her out - vat's ze matter - losing ze interest
in Chloe?
REYNALDO
You've lost it man - I'm not interested in your wife! Chloe just wanted
to borrow her tennis racquet. She's starting lessons tomorrow. And anyway,
you can't talk - everyone knows about you and Brittany!
WOLFGANG
(Reluctantly)
Vell, zat's all over now.
(With authority)
So, Mum's ze vord, right? You tell Kylie and I'll tell Chloe about . . .
Vell, I'll think of someone.
REYNALDO
Man, you can be an asshole, Wolfgang. If I didn't have to work with you
I'd sort you out once and for all. I'm outta here.
WOLFGANG
Reynaldo, vait a second. Tell me - and ze truth now - are you on steroids?
REYNALDO
Get fucked, Wolfgang.
(REYNALDO exits. WOLFGANG is amused)
WOLFGANG
Ha! Vat a loser! A mere spectator!
(Suspiciously)
So Chloe starts lessons tomorrow, hey? Very interesting - or am I just
being paranoid? Ach, who cares. I am too exhausted to worry about it. Man,
vat a day. Vat a fucking day!
(WOLFGANG rearranges the C.O.L.D. cubes to read F.E.A.R.)
Hmm, almost lost it today vith zat Brittany slut . . . Better be playing
it careful . . . Don't vant zat to happen.
(A referee's whistle is heard. The lights fade to black)
(An elderly couple 'type' hobble across the stage with a placard stating;
GAME THREE.
A referee's whistle is heard and the lights come up to reveal the same
scene as before, except F.E.A.R. is now D.E.A.D. and M.A.T.C.H. is now
B.O.R.E.D.)
WOLFGANG
(Storming in angrily)
Gott in Himmel!
(To KYLIE)
Ach! Vat a fucking day! 6 am to 8 pm vithout a break und not von take
vorth ze keeping. I vouldn't vant to ever endure zat again! Sheesh! It
feels like I've done a double shift!
KYLIE
(Dripping with extreme insincerity)
Poor snookums. Tell me all about it. Did that famous American starlet
play up? Now what was her name again?
WOLFGANG
You know zat she is called Brittany, und ja, she vas intolerate-able.
Such a demanding little child! She refused to come onto ze set unless her
fucking pet verevolf vas zere as vell. Und, of course, ze mutt ate ze
leading man! Fucking unbelievable! I could kill ze little Brittany brat -
it vould so satisfying be - like throttling a baby zat vas bawling at ze
movies!
KYLIE
Wolfgang, that's an absolutely fucking unacceptable thing to say! You
know how I feel about babies!
WOLFGANG
Sorry, darlink . . . still, I shouldn't complain. At least I'll still get
paid.
KYLIE
(Deprecating)
And exactly how much are you going to make, Mr. Director?
WOLFGANG
Exactly vat I am vorth.
KYLIE
Even you can't live on that, darling.
WOLFGANG
Oh, you are in ze good form zis evening, you impetuous little upstart . . .
und vat vas your day like - did you even get up before ze noon?
KYLIE
Oh, Heavens, no! But Chloe and I did manage to squeeze in a few tennis
lessons in between the daiquiris in the afternoon.
WOLFGANG
Hmm, I sink I vould have liked to have seen zat - you two pretty young
vives prancing about in your scandalously short skirts vith ze leopard
skin G-strings showing ze peek-a-boo underneath und driving your tennis
instructor crazy vith lust. Ze poor bastard - I hope he realises how
disposable he is . . .
KYLIE
(Teasing mercilessly)
And today was such a hot day . . . we were sweating all over . . .
WOLFGANG
Ja?
KYLIE
Mmm . . . our shirts were clinging to our bodies, and of course, silly me,
I'd forgotten to put on a bra . . .
WOLFGANG
Ach, ja . . . zat is sounding good . . . you vere vet, nein?
KYLIE
Wet? Oh, yes! In fact I'm starting to feel a little damp right now . . .
WOLFGANG
Vell, vy don't you come over here, you sexy little vixen?
KYLIE
Oh, are we going to do some rehearsing, Mr. - Huh! - Director?
WOLFGANG
Ja, but I vould like to audition you first.
KYLIE
(Angrily)
I'm not going anywhere near that filthy 'casting couch'!
(KYLIE moves to rearrange the D.E.A.D. cubes, reads them and changes her
mind. The cubes are left reading D.E.A.D.)
So, how bad do you want it?
WOLFGANG
(With malice)
I am vanting it bad!
KYLIE
Yeah?
WOLFGANG
Ach, ja.
KYLIE
Well, you're not going to get it!
(KYLIE fearfully runs away and WOLFGANG chases her around the B.O.R.E.D.
cubes. Unseen, REYNALDO - naked except for a bathrobe - opens the door
from outside, stands in the doorway and watches them. They eventually
stop, facing each other over the B.O.R.E.D. cubes which they turn over
cube by cube until they are nose to nose. The cubes now read F.I.G.H.T.)
WOLFGANG
(Threatening)
So, it's going to be another night of sordid little love games, is it?
KYLIE
(Now frightened)
I . . . I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Director.
WOLFGANG
Ve are going to play like ze cat und ze mouse. Or maybe ve vill play ze
kittycat und ze master?
KYLIE
(Defensively)
The kittycat is the master.
WOLFGANG
Meow!
KYLIE
Pfft!
(Both REYNALDO and WOLFGANG jump back. REYNALDO continues watching
from the doorway and, with his hand in the pocket of his robe starts,
ahem, pleasuring himself)
WOLFGANG
Oh, you may be having ze sharp claws, darlink, but you're still no match
for me.
KYLIE
We'll see about that, Mr. Director - you'll soon be playing the part of
the naughty little boy sent to bed without his supper.
WOLFGANG
Vould zat make you hot, darlink?
KYLIE
(Pointing her 'mobile phone at WOLFGANG like a TV remote)
Changing your channel might just keep your show on the air!
WOLFGANG
Ze question you need to ask yourself in zis audition is vether you're up
to it?
KYLIE
Oh, I'm a 'method actor', Mr. Director - I live the part day after day
after day and consequently I'm always up to it. The real question is -
can you get it up?
WOLFGANG
(Pointing his mobile 'phone at KYLIE. It fails to 'work')
I'm ze vun who calls ze shots here, darlink, remember?
KYLIE
That's all well and good, but what about your little Director's
'assistant'?
(KYLIE gestures with her 'pinky' finger)
WOLFGANG
'Little', hey? My, my, my - you're going to have to be punished for zat
vun! Prepare yourself for ze spanking, young lady! Or maybe ze spanking
is not good enough. Maybe I vill just be having to kill you!
KYLIE
(With very real fear)
You're going to have to catch me first, Mr. Director!
(KYLIE runs around the F.I.G.H.T. cubes with WOLFGANG in hot, hot, hot
pursuit. He catches her and lifts his hand as if to strike her. As he
does the telephone on the wall near the bedroom door starts ringing.
There is a brief blackout before a green spotlight is focussed on the
telephone and then the lights come up as before. The telephone continues
ringing)
WOLFGANG
(Deadpan)
Zat'll be ze 'phone.
KYLIE
Um, rock, paper, scissors?
WOLFGANG
Vy not?
(The animosity dissipates considerably. They face each other and play a
round of 'Rock, paper, scissors'. WOLFGANG does 'paper' as does KYLIE)
KYLIE
It's a draw. Now what?
WOLFGANG
I don't know.
(They look at each other, unable to decide. The ‘phone stops ringing.
REYNALDO shrugs his shoulders, closes the door and exits)
Ach, fuck it! Now zen, I vas about to give you a vell deserved spanking.
KYLIE
Wait! I've got a better idea. Let's do some coke. I'm sure you've got
some left.
WOLFGANG
Yeah, O.K. Although I don't exactly a pick-me-up need.
KYLIE
I'll just cut up a little then, you big stud, you.
(KYLIE prepares the cocaine from WOLFGANG's G.U.C.C.I. bag)
WOLFGANG
You know, I can't get over zat little bitch on ze set today. Such a
spoilt little baby!
KYLIE
(Snorting a line)
Enough with the babies! You do know what day it is today, don't you? Do
you hate me that much?
WOLFGANG
Vat? Today . . . Today . . . Oh, I'm so sorry, darlink - I completely
forgot.
KYLIE
Well, let's not dwell on it. And enough of the games - eventually they
get out of hand. Let's just relax and forget about the kittycat and the
master. For a while at least.
WOLFGANG
My problem is I am being such a fathead - I don't know how to properly
play.
KYLIE
Mmm, I love it when you get all humble.
(KYLIE snorts another line of coke)
WOLFGANG
Und I love ze vay you are doing zat - you look so . . . in control.
KYLIE
I think the word you're looking for is 'horny' - you know only too well
what this stuff does to me!
WOLFGANG
I do love you, honey, don't you ever be forgetting zat vun.
KYLIE
And I'm rather fond of you, too, darling. Here, have some coke.
WOLFGANG
No, sanks, darlink. I'll just mix myself a drink.
KYLIE
Whatever rocks your cradle, just don't overdo it. That stuff'll kill you,
you know.
(WOLFGANG mixes himself a stiff drink)
REYNALDO
(Calling from offstage)
Hello? Anybody home? Door's open.
KYLIE
Come on in and join the party, whoever you are!
REYNALDO
(He enters wearing a tuxedo, white cashmere scarf and a spray of flowers
in his button-hole)
Hey.
KYLIE
Reynaldo! How are you, sweetie? Mmm, nice threads!
REYNALDO
(Admiring himself and striking a pose like Rodin's 'The Thinker')
Yeah, pretty fine, hey. So what's happening?
WOLFGANG
(Angrily)
Oh, ve vere just making ze babies - vat does it look like ve are doing?
REYNALDO
That sounds nice.
WOLFGANG
Vell, sanks for ze interest, but ve can menage - I mean manage - all on
our own.
KYLIE
Don't mind him, Reynaldo. He's in a sulk 'cos of that Brittany Starrs
actress. Ruined his day apparently.
REYNALDO
Oh . . . So, you know all about that?
KYLIE
Do I know all about that? I'm not so sure . . . Do I know all about that,
Wolfie?
WOLFGANG
You know about everysing, darlink, you alvays do.
REYNALDO
Oh, I almost forgot, Kyles. Chloe sent me over with a new racquet to
replace the one you smashed over that instructor's head. Jesus, these
pro athletes - they think they can make a move on my wife? I'm just glad
you were there to protect her, uh, honour. Chloe said you really let him
have it!
KYLIE
Huh? Oh, oh, that was nothing. We get that all the time. He just forgot
the rules of the ga . . . the rules of civilised society.
REYNALDO
Anyway, I left it down in the car. Back in a few minutes.
(REYNALDO exits. There is an uncomfortable silence)
WOLFGANG
So who are you screwing? Fernando, ze tennis instructor, or Reynaldo, ze
man for all seasons?
KYLIE
What the hell are you on about?
WOLFGANG
Vat am I on about? I'm on about you und Chloe getting all hot und bothered
und vith ze tennis instructor - or somevun.
KYLIE
Yes, that's right. We both jumped his bones and gave him the time of his
life - right there in the middle of the tennis court. He truly knows how
to please a woman - in fact, he knows how to please two women.
WOLFGANG
Slut! . . . Tell me about it.
KYLIE
You sick little puppy, you. But you actually do think I'm screwing around,
don't you?
WOLFGANG
I just hoped you used ze protection - all three of you.
KYLIE
(Calmly but viciously slapping his face)
Is that what you wanted, Mr. Director?
WOLFGANG
Ow! Hey, I vas only joking.
(WOLFGANG tries to embrace KYLIE)
KYLIE
(Pulling away)
Uh, uh, you're out of bounds, fella. If you wanna play, go find a wannabe
starlet. Oh, yes, Mr. Director, I know you get up to stuff with your
actresses. But hey, I'm liberated. I know you're just a male. But that
doesn't mean you don't get punished - I am going to make you suffer. For
example, you'll never guess who I am sleeping with - and it's not Reynaldo
or Fernando. It's someone I can rely on to perform everytime - unlike you.
Someone who doesn't have to shoot crappy dogfood commercials - unlike you.
WOLFGANG
Shut up!
(WOLFGANG pushes KYLIE and she falls to the ground. Regaining her
composure, she dusts herself off and gets to her feet)
Jesus, I'm sorry, Kylie - I didn't mean to do zat. I just lost it for a
second.
KYLIE
I know you didn't mean it, Wolfie. That's why it's 'Round One' to me.
WOLFGANG
Vat?
KYLIE
You lost control so I won. I'm the kittycat and the master, while you are
the pussy!
WOLFGANG
Oh, no, no, no. If anysing I von - you slapped me first.
KYLIE
Ah, but I chose to slap you. As you yourself admitted, you lost it. You
pushed me, not knowing what you were doing. You forgot that the game has
rules - limits. You can't afford to lose control when you play with me,
darls.
WOLFGANG
Alright, if it vill making you be happy, I vill admit you von. Now let's
forget about zese games und have a little fun.
(WOLFGANG again attempts to embrace KYLIE but she again pulls away)
KYLIE
I don't think I'm in the mood anymore. But if you put in a little effort
I could be brought around. I'm talking about some serious wooing,
loverboy - but first you're going to have to regain my respect.
WOLFGANG
Regain your respect? How?
KYLIE
By winning the next round.
WOLFGANG
Fucking hell, more games! . . . Hmm, alright, I know . . . But you'd
better be ready. Zis time I'm not holding back. I vill draw upon all my
professional expertise - zat vich you so readily denigrated a few moments
ago. I'm going to put on a little show for you. A little psychological
thriller vith ze vorking title - 'Ze Trophy.'
KYLIE
Don't hold back, darls - hit me with your best shot!
WOLFGANG
(Placing a chair centre-stage)
For you, darlink, a ringside seat.
(KYLIE sits in the chair and WOLFGANG blindfolds her with his large silk
handkerchief. He exits to the bedroom)
KYLIE
Wolfie, darling, you've gone all quiet . . . is this part of the show? . . .
Wolfie? . . . I don't think I like this, honey . . . You're not going to
do anything stupid, now are you? I know I said go all the way . . .
Wolfgang, are you still there . . . Wolfie?
WOLFGANG
(From offstage)
Vat's ze matter - can't you handle ze suspense?
KYLIE
(Irritated)
Just hurry up and let me have it!
WOLFGANG
(He enters wearing KYLIE's old school uniform and a wig)
I'm right here, darlink, und I take great pleasure in presenting 'Ze
Trophy.'
(He inserts a tape or CD into the S.T.E.R.E.O. cubes and an old pop song
begins to play - maybe Kylie Minogue's "I should be so lucky". He dances
to the music like a teenybopping young girl)
KYLIE
Man, that song . . . it was in the charts for what, 8 or 9 months?
WOLFGANG
Yeah, zat's right. But you must be concentrating und try to be guessing
who I am.
KYLIE
Oh, duh . . . Too easy . . . You're Wolfgang Schmidt - the Academy Award
winning director . .
(Laughing) . . . Of your dreams.
WOLFGANG
Bzzz. Close, but no cigar! Remember, zis is a performance zat is going to
be pushing you to your psychological limits. Perhaps you are needing ze
visual clue.
(WOLFGANG removes her blindfold and dances around in front of KYLIE who
bursts out laughing)
So, who am I?
KYLIE
I don't know, but you sure look cute - like one of your starlets on the
set!
WOLFGANG
OK, zen . . . you are needing another clue. Let's just say zat I'm a
mythical figure from ze future - a future zat never had ze chance to
develop to . . . vell, to maturity.
KYLIE
Hmmm . . . Do I actually know this person?
WOLFGANG
You did. I vas very close to you. To both of us.
KYLIE
What do you mean?
WOLFGANG
I mean I no longer exist. I am . . . dead. Vat you see is vat I could
have been after ze first day at high school. Vith you in ze tuck shop
serving or on ze P & C committee working. I am vat could have been . . .
Vat is now lost.
KYLIE
You're . . . dead?
WOLFGANG
Ja, sanks to, vell, sanks to you.
KYLIE
(As WOLFGANG's meaning dawns on her)
I . . . I can't believe you're doing this.
WOLFGANG
You've guessed?
KYLIE
(Choking back the tears)
How could you make fun of the miscarriage? How could you even suggest it
was my fault? You're a fucking animal! You're sick! You know our . . . our
baby is the one area out of bounds!
(KYLIE storms over to the S.T.E.R.E.O. cubes and brings them crashing to
the ground. The music stops abruptly. She fumes)
WOLFGANG
I'm surprised you didn't see it coming. It vas ze next inevitable step
ven you said not to hold back. And anyvay, it's good for us - it's called
'drama therapy'. You know, cathartic . . . Hey, you sink I haven't
suffered too, sinking about how she vould have made zis a real family?
(KYLIE storms off stage. WOLFGANG, dejected, throws the wig onto the
ground and paces. He shouts offstage to KYLIE)
I'm sorry, OK?
(Then laughing to himself)
But I definitely von zat round. Und now I vill be getting ze action!
(KYLIE enters carrying a length of rope and swigging from a bottle of
vodka)
KYLIE
Sit!
WOLFGANG
(Sitting timidly on the D.E.A.D. cubes)
Ja, honey, vatever you say.
(KYLIE tries to tie him up but WOLFGANG pulls away)
Hey! Vat you are doing?
KYLIE
Don't you trust me, darling?
WOLFGANG
Nein, not in your present mood.
KYLIE
Look, I'm over it. We both know these games are played at great expense
to our sanity and eventually one of us always says something stupid. But
you've earned some fun with that last little effort so I'm going to treat
you to a nice old-fashioned strip-tease - real raunchy like!
WOLFGANG
Vell, OK, but don't be doing somesink crazy now.
KYLIE
Me? Do something crazy? Never . . . there.
WOLFGANG
It is being a bit tight actually.
KYLIE
Oh, don't be such a . . . baby. Anyway, you're going to get a kick outta
this!
(KYLIE sets the S.T.E.R.E.O. cubes up and plays a sexy tango. She
commences to strip-tease and takes off some of her clothes)
REYNALDO
(From offstage)
Hello? Anybody home? Door's open!
KYLIE
(Starting to appear and sound drunk, KYLIE tosses aside the now empty
vodka bottle)
Well, now, we have company. Such great timing . . . I wonder who it could
be . . .
(KYLIE gags WOLFGANG with his silk handkerchief. REYNALDO enters with a
tennis racquet, now dressed in revealing gym clothes with oiled muscles
and looking tanned, relaxed and confident. He smoothes his hair and soaks
up KYLIE's admiration)
REYNALDO
Hey.
KYLIE
Reynaldo! How are you sweetie? Mmm, nice threads!
REYNALDO
(Nonchalantly striking a bodybuilding pose, or if the actor is slight of
build, a tennis lob)
Yeah, pretty fine, hey. I had to change a tyre - some fucker stuck it
with a dirty big syringe! Didn't wanna get grease on the tux so I changed
clothes. Um . . . why's Wolfgang wearing a dress?
KYLIE
Oh, he's rehearsing a new part.
(KYLIE sidles up close to REYNALDO. They lock eyes, circle each other
slowly and pose like figure-skaters. Mechanically, silently, KYLIE seduces
REYNALDO with her eyes as she rearranges the F.I.G.H.T. cubes to read
P.L.A.C.E. She is breathless as she rearranges the D.E.A.D. cubes
WOLFGANG is sitting on to read L.A.S.T. He appears too shocked to resist)
Mmm, sweetie, I think you could do with a pre-match massage - in the
bedroom. You know, tonight is 'Games Night' and apparently . . .
(Glancing at WOLFGANG)
. . . anything goes . . . Even a workout with the opposition . . .
(KYLIE exits into the bedroom with the bewitched REYNALDO. WOLFGANG
struggles and goes red in the face. The 'phone rings. KYLIE pokes her
head back onto stage after a few seconds and moans ecstatically before
reaching across and answering the 'phone)
Kylie speaking . . . Brittany, darling! . . . Come on over, there's a
lovely young man I'd like you to meet . . . Yes, like the time with
Fernando. Yes, that's right - 'ménage a trois' . . . Mmm, just let
yourself in - the door's always open . . . Oh, Reynaldo, that's
fantastic . . . Hurry, Brittany, hurry!
(KYLIE hangs up as WOLFGANG struggles madly. She mockingly addresses him
in his accent)
Now, now, Volfgang - Don't be playink ze sore loser!
(KYLIE withdraws to the bedroom, giggling. WOLFGANG triumphantly breaks
free but as he does a referee's whistle is heard indicating 'Full time'.
He slumps. After a pause he reaches for his mobile phone and starts
dialing. He stops and pauses again)
WOLFGANG
Ach, fuck it!
(WOLFGANG points the phone to his temple and pulls the 'trigger'. A loud
gunshot is heard and the lights immediately extinguish)
CURTAIN.
Copyright (c) 2003 D.Bruno Starrs
We'd love to hear from you!
Or mailed with a self addressed stamped envelope, to:
