BARDO or Journey to the Great Liberation (being Part Three of Journey; Part I being Odyssey; or Journey to Earth, Part II being the Gnostic Gospel of John) this part dedicated to Pedro Sena who wrote the first 25 lines Walking down the dark corridor Take a step (pause) insecure afraid careless Take another step (pause) fear desire unknown C'mon, take another one ok, ok, ok, I did it the corridor is dark what's out there I can't see a thing is anyone here is anyone, out there Try another step it won't hurt you it's only your mind your heart you think too much .... Take another step P.S. ... That's right c'mon, its easy it's just dark at first after your eyes adjust you'll see many wonders and won't have time to be afraid ... Don't think about all the things *they* taught you they weren't even close the truth's more fantastic than they can ever hope to know ... That's right don't think about it just follow the voice don't look left or right no matter what you think you see ... It's all in your mind ... Don't worry if you fall even if you think someone has pushed you just get up again no one's pushed you but yourself remember that ... The screams of the pasts ghosts haunt you I can see you cower I can see you fall Get up again Quick get up again No one can hurt you but yourself remember that NO ONE CAN HURT YOU BUT YOURSELF ... Slowly now slowly What is fear we ask What is the answer when even a Shao Lin monk knows fear Fear preserves us accept it observe it use it ... (pause) ... eyes eyes assault from out the darkness eyes aflame do not pry your gaze away look into those eyes they are telling you something something very important ... these eyes like lanterns these eyes like fireflies these eyes like consciousness these eyes like inner truth projecting from the outer to within ... don't you see it yet ... look into the eyes LOOK they are your eyes they are your anger eyes they are your love eyes they are your hate eyes they are your eyes of hunger eyes of longing eyes of lust they are the eyes of your survival the eyes of your success and failure the eyes of what you want to be the eyes of what you are look at them eyes of tears eyes of witnesses eyes of joy eyes of torment eyes of self gratification eyes of beggars eyes of politicians eyes of the seer eyes of the blind man eyes of what you do not want to see eyes that pierce you like a dagger nails vision ... do you understand yet do not cower in the corner that cannot help you the eyes will never leave you up get up rise like a cloud of knowing like a lion heaves his heart like a proud warrior facing death use the fear use it to advantage do not let the eyes stare you down ... get up yes get up take another step do not run whatever you might wish to do do not run slowly plot your path do not let the past ghosts lead you to the wrong path the path of life and death the path of rebirth and of suffering the path that lead nowhere but a circle like a snake devouring itself but lead yourself defiantly past the ghosts that stalk your past past the eyes that sharp as bone splinters tear your heart apart past the darkness into light past the eyes past the awful eyes that no one notices but you ... get up drag yourself if you have to but do not stay defeated do not cower do not cower like a frightened self-defeated stranger in a wood but gather yourself gather your senses gather purposes from every part of life and love and what you want and what you are and what you have to make yourself to survive because survival is the common goal and your survival is a vital portion of necessity ... there is no purpose for those who resign themselves to fate ... fate is nothing if it's not your own ... don't you see it don't you see beyond the precipice that threatens your survival ... for you to see it you must own yourself you must not condescend to others you must not say I am lost in this wood and the lion and the serpent tear at me you must not say I am alone and I am lost and I will soon be captured by the lion and devoured by the snake you must not say oh woe there is nothing left fate has done me in fate has forced the final blow death is what is left to me cold death empty death death that is not honorable death that is a misery carrion death flesh for beasts to gorge themselves upon ... you must not resign yourself to such pale shadows of the human spirit instead you must say with force and understanding with a lion's heart with a serpent's tongue I am not lost in this wood and the lion and the serpent do not tear at me indeed they have become a part of me and I partake of their pride and strength and honor you tell yourself I am not alone and I am not lost and I will soon be one among the lion and one among the serpent and you must say oh great joy there is a new beginning fate has given me new hope fate has forced a reckoning the new understanding a new chance has been given me a new life has been granted to me cold death hath no dominion empty death hath no effect on me honorable life will triumph over death that is not honorable life will triumph over death that is a misery carrion death will not be my demise flesh for beasts to gorge themselves upon I will not be instead I will be one with the new nature that has been borne unto me wise nature ... This is what you say and you say it to yourself and you speak it to the gods and the upper gods and the lesser gods and the demons and those who would be gods and those who would more than gods be demons and most of all you say it to yourself not that others might like the hypocrite shouting prayer in a public place but like a man alone crying in the wilderness that no one but the vultures hear and understand the voice that is survival ... that is how the carrion-eaters stay far away that is how the snakes will not devour you that is how the scorpion digs deeper into sand so as not to injure the soles of steady feet that is how lion thirsty for the water in a drought gives priority to you a lesser being but a thirsty one who longs for life beyond the bounds of earthly endeavors that is how the vulture the snakes the scorpion the lions recognize a superior being one that they revere one that will not harm them and one they will not harm but mutually worship life that goes beyond the clinging wilderness of lost endeavor ... there now do you see yes rise rise like a mountain rises from the earth like a penis rises to address the nature of commitment to his sex rise proud and free and make your peace not just with god but with your own and with yourself ... rise to see the light the brilliantly blinding light you have to shield your mortal eyes to though painful you will learn to see beyond the pain beyond the blind sharp flash that startles you but rise to it rise tall and proud and do not fear the light that is no enemy but is a friend rise to the solar principle of regeneration that the universe presents ... tell me what you see tell me the plain truth tell me what you hear tell me of the magic moment tell me of the symphony of sound that is not but is yet sound beyond the clamor we have understood but rather we defined as music how much sweeter is the music you hear now how much brighter are the images how much perfect the emotions how much gentler is the nudging to refused reality ... You are lost but you are on a great journey this is your beginning not your end confused you will be clear of mind dizzy you will once again be sure of foot frightened you will find your courage twisted wavering you will once again regain your center ... Hear the voices in the wind hear the howling voices whisper what you did not hear before listen while they speak to you Each bold portion of your life before your eyes a panorama of all that was allotted you and what you brought to this allotment and how you will be judged by the eagle and the scales this is what you do not want to hear but you cannot fail to hear just as you covered your eyes but still saw you cover you burning ears and still hear there is nowhere to escape nowhere to hide all inside your head these voices are it is you who project them in the oracle wind. ... The voice of your father/mother the blue light burning like a backwards beacon through your sorrowful heart but slowly you refine yourself on your journey inward to the out The voice of your death as well as birth 1st Voice: See him waver This is not the one we knew before This is not the one strong like a bull and proud as a lion this is not the one who fought for breath and life when entering the great sangsara 2nd Voice: But yet this is This strange disparaged being incapable of knowing which to chose incapable of understanding what is not expected of him 3rd Voice: But he will See him try to comprehend us See him curious as to what these shadows are that dance around his heavy shoulders burdened with the hard confusion he did not expect 2nd Voice: You may be right This one did not expect the journey it was not old age that claimed his breath Rather full of youth and with vitality he lost his footing on the slope of life I think in time he will collect his senses See his eyes stare darkly He does not yet know where this is 1st Voice: Then let us provide him with a clear choice Let us show him what the journey is that he must now proceed upon The night is almost over and the First day dawns Let us see what he will do When confronted with the other forms 2nd Voice: Our purpose here is done We will watch him from afar our shadows seem to frighten him. CHORUS - Father The work was hard this fall Your brother left for the city to find more steady work I guess a farmer's life has no appeal for those that learned the finer arts of urban rush in their fine foreign schools after all the labour's hard and is unpaid there's little an old man now can do alone some neighbors came and helped us with the harvest and we gathered in enough providing for the family but little else for sale so money will be scarce I cannot blame your brother for trying to provide a better life for himself and his family his education should not be wasted he worked hard to get through school he should get whatever he can for his skills I think that I had I his education would do the same but at the same time I cannot help be sad at the demise of what we had as tradition in our family for ages upon ages and you as the oldest always said that you would stay and carry on the work that we have made our heritage Now that you are gone I see no clear skies up ahead the farm already needs repairs and an old man with little money cannot do what needs be done Your mother still sheds tears at the thought you ou having passed beyond the gates of no return They ask me now that since there is no heir who wants to till the soil if I will not just sell the farm and finally submit myself to my old age But that is not my way You were always aware of that When you were still with us it was you who gathered in the crops and provided for the elders and we were flourishing Now it's such a different story I always thought that I would be the first to go but can it really matter matter in the end The more you nurtured back to health is sick again We had the vet come in and take a look and with a grievous face he argued that there was no hope I have not made a decision yet but soon it must be done I have called the factory and they will send someone around To supplement the crop the sow is fat enough and will be sold the auction is next week and I have already made arrangements From where I stand I can see the women working in the yard and the smoke already rises thick from chimney tops Soon the snows will come and then the long nights will appear It will be empty there without you Who will listen to my stories now who will laugh at a father's jokes Yesterday evening at the tavern I spoke to Old Antoine and he anticipates a hard and snowy winter He says that the air smells as it did when the last cold winter came Old Antoine with his nose he's always right This year's wine is soft and warm and yes you would have like it much Georges put some aside for marc that will serve us well with the coming weather Of course the government's talking about putting more taxes on the marc and the number of bottles we can make and of course everybody gets upset I sometimes wish that I had bought that vineyard a few years ago It would have brought in more that cabbages and vegetables but then if not for us who would grow the things to eat we all can't be as poor Gaston and drink ourselves to sleep I have begun carving another horse in my spare time The new horse will be a Pegasus and it will have wings and it will have the hope that somehow we will fly away together in another world and find a greater peace that is in heaven or on earth But my spare time seems to have just flown away I never knew how little I had done for those three years when you had handled everything but even then I was at peace I knew the shape of things and I definitely thought I knew the future How wrong a man can be A future least anticipated crept upon us when we least expected and in a flash of lightening carried you away Your wife has taken the children with her to visit her parents in the city until all the difficult arrangements can be made There are so many things to settle It's a wonder anyone can cope This morning The priest came by and offered his condolences for what must be the hundredth time I don't want to be rude to him but you know what I think of his religion We have strong roots that go back when the good men taught There is little the village priest can offer me He seems to have a calming effect on the women and so I tolerate his platitudes He tried to say that you are safely now in heaven You and I spoke of this before and neither of us thought there was a heaven I know you had some difficult Ideas from the books you read books I hardly understood Of late spend some time in your library and wander among them they have a soothing effect but my eyes are bad and I don't think they can offer anything new to a man who tills the land A week ago we heard from the officer who investigated your accident and he is trying to convince us now that your accident was not an accident He maintains that you could not have to that remote part of the ravine without having come there for a 'personal misadventure' I cannot believe that You were such a personally satisfied man You loved your wife and children and would have had no reason to do that It had to be an accident Plain and simple And I believe that you did have a purpose being where you were I wish that you had told someone You are not the man who abandons father mother wife and children in such a manner There is nothing I keep telling them that would have possessed you to even contemplate such an act No I tell them they are wrong and that you were there because you needed like so many other times to be alone and think I can only see it that you fell asleep and the brakes loosened on the slant and you plunged to your death on the rocks scattered far below I know you loved that spot You loved to look across the vast valley and point out all the different villages even when you were a boy I recall especially when the fog rolled in across the valley How you loved the fog You had such an affinity with closed in spaces and you said the fog transcended all experience It was foggy the day you passed away I will never forget that If you can hear me Wherever you might be It has been hard on all of us I cannot convey to you what your passing meant It is hollow in my heart It is hollow in all of our hearts. * THE FACE-TO-FACE ENCOUNTER WITH THE BENEVOLENT AGENCIES For one and a half days as if waking from a fast desperate tired discouraged lost alone and frozen by the damp ground-swell of a merging universe Oh what has happened In what strange land do I reside Where are my father and my mother Where my wife and children I though I saw them weeping I spoke to them They could not hear me I was among them and they could not see me I touched them and they could not feel me What strange land is this What strange departed realm where nothing is as seems where no life stirs except in shadows But there is at the same time such a stillness such a clear transparent light I feel I know this place But the familiar is so far from me I can't recall Was I here before Did I dream this in a dream Am I dreaming still I am so confused I recall voices yesterday They attempted to speak to me But my mind was not clear I think they spoke about a journey A great journey A great transforming journey That I yet can't comprehend I don't wish to go I am cold and tired I have no energy left I want to turn around I want to run I want to return to those I have spent my life with Those I have come to know As my own callused hands But there's no returning Not the way I am I don't know if there every will be again a joyous gathering among those friends of mine those parents my wife my children Do they wonder where I am Do they panic at my disappearance Do they know Do they understand Do they weep I know I am not dead I can see my body I can feel discomfort and pain I am still the same as I have always been I am just in a strange land I cannot return from whence I came I must go on I must go on I must go on... ... A deep blue light appears suddenly startled he sees the image of the great Manifester of Phenomena arrayed in white and seated on a great lion throne holding a great glowing eight-spoked wheel the wheel of sovereign power the wheel of life and death of the cycle of the all He is embraced by the by the Mother of the Space of Heaven Astounded and in awe the traveler stops he does not know what reaction he should have should he fear this grand phenomenon or should he bow with reverence in his heart already shattered with the grief of loss and little understanding he does not move he does not speak he wishes to speak but he cannot utter a sound he is struck dumb Then this great conglomerate of gods begins a transformation as their separate beings merge into a composite of the father and the mother glorious in all aspect radiant arrayed in a deep blue light shining dazzlingly transparent until his eyes could stand no longer the pain of this sharp radiance And from beyond the radiant blue light and equally radiant and piercing white light strikes against his brow it almost topples him against the rock cliff and in a swoon he manages to hold himself as if a great wind he could not feel had beat against his fragile body It was scarcely comprehensible And the combination struck a terror and a fear within his heart that no wild beast could have such affect Again wishing to flee He felt his energy drain But felt the dull white light Pull him ever further Into it The dull white light seemed to soothe the terror that gripped his palpitating heart Then came a voice: Be not startled by the blue light nor be in awe of it It is the light of the perfect being the light of the perfect wisdom gather it firmly to you believe in it let its wisdom was o'er you let it calm your agitated brow let it guide you through the great ambush of the of the journey that has been chosen for you But also be not fond of the dull white light Show no great attachment to the light If you do it will envelop you and draw you down into the great dark whirlpool of the ever-lost Show no weakness here Gather strength upon your being Look not on the dull white light But attach your faith solely to the blue light Speak this prayer: 'When wandering in the wilderness of longing and desire May I be led upon the path of full deliverance by the great manifestation of phenomena May the divine Mother of eternity guard me in distress May I be safely led through the ambush I encounter with the white light and the blue May I be accepted in the great oneness that encompasses the all' If you fear not and your heart is he right place you will enter immediately the realm of the many-souls While he said this prayer Intense in his desire The shape that did appear a solid light soon vanished and the darkness was immediate and startling that the wanderer lost all heart and cried the cry of the child in the darkness separated from his mother and his father. Soon the voices came again slithering in shadows in the twilight 1st Voice: it seems he is still fearful of the journey on ahead 2nd Voice: He will make it 3rd Voice: Should we interfere should we speak to him what he may there encounter 1st Voice: but he hesitates at the first choice His heart is not in the way he speaks this prayer 2nd Voice: His heart is there His fear obscures it He prays because he fears he must 3rd Voice: Then we should instruct him we should tell him what will loom ahead 2nd Voice: This should be done prior to his venture It should have been done by mortal voice 1st Voice: Listen It is being done But in a whisper that he does not hear 3rd Voice: Then let us be his guide 2nd Voice: Yea then let us guide 1st Voice: Let us guide his mind Upon the journey to himself 1st Voice: See he has stopped gathering the merit of the prayer Quick tell him what transpires on the second day CHORUS - Mother I continuously weep in awe of the death that caps the least-expected moment of our lives It is as if the universe had split in two as if the motion of the sun has stopped I remember having nine months carried a burden of regret but not that I regret it now but at the time it was a grave mistake we didn't want the child we couldn't yet support a child we had a farm to care for but still the pain of giving birth was such that could be salvaged in a future atmosphere of service to the father Children are meant to be silent and observe my other children were like diamonds to a prospector they were bright and they were clean but this one different as he was too much different and kept alone he grew himself into a solitary stone but this one this child was differently conceived and different to explain he didn't grow up with the others he spent such time alone we grew concerned at his being so much apart from others his schooling was delayed a year because of illness it came upon him so suddenly the doctors thought that he would die they told us there could be no hope I prayed for his survival six months he was near his death in that awful hospital each day I would faithfully visit him even though the doctors told me not to come but what do they know of a mother's duty maybe it was that illness which made him different from all the others I don't know he always played alone even when he was in a group he would see to be by himself never mixing freely his father tried to get him involved he would build him all kinds of things one christmas we gave him a toy train set and his father worked for months building an elaborated table top display a fully automated city with houses lights and roads his friends came from all over just to watch and play it was such a wonderful time but then the war came and my husband was sent to the front a few months later he was wounded and almost died I left the children with my parents and went to his side after he was discharged he went back to help his father tend the farm there wasn't much of a crop that year but we survived the children attended the village school with all the others and they seemed to integrate well but for some reason my youngest became more and more moody silent and obsessively distant from the rest the school teacher suggested that we take him to a doctor because as she said "he was upsetting to the class" she added "he just isn't attentive he's always nervous and he can't stay still" we took the long trip to the city and there my he was examined by a famous doctor who took us aside angrily and asked "who wanted this boy to be examined? there is nothing wrong with this child in fact this child is exceptionally gifted I would recommend that you send him to a school in Switzerland where he will be integrated with other gifted children the farm is no place for this child and you are not fit parents to give this child the care and education he requires" we were upset and very shocked at the doctors insinuations and we took our son back to the farm and pretended nothing had happened After that he seemed to grow up like most other children except that he would read a lot and he would help out on the farm more than the others I think it made him feel good to be alone in the fields even then I wondered often what would become of him later on in life It was one day after he had been away a week that he announced that he was getting married It was such a sudden announcement that we were all in shock we didn't even know he had a girlfriend he never attended any of the local dances and rarely went out with any of the local girls in fact many other youths laughed at him because he seemed to keep away from all the other youths so that weekend he introduced us to this lovely girl from the city his father ribbed him slightly and then commented on his good taste even though she seemed to be of good breeding there was something I did not like about her but he seemed to be happy and the wedding took place eight months later their first child was born They lived down the street in a little cottage and seemed to be quite happy and she came over almost each day while he was busy in the fields and helped me with the cooking and the cleaning often they would drive to the city and leave the children with us which we didn't really mind they were both well behaved and quiet the girl was a bit more of a problem than her brother who seemed to take after his father and be quite studious but I think there were problems although they hid them well there were a few time she and I had disagreements and then she wouldn't come over for a week or so my son the diplomat always tried to smooth things over I know she didn't like him staying on at the farm she was always edging him on to get a "proper job" one that gave him some "challenge" but I think one where she could be better served she spent far too much on fancy clothes they could hardly afford he never had any money for himself in fact if we hadn't provided supplements of food for them there would have been days they might have went without he didn't speak of it but I know he was offered a job in the city and was contemplating it when he died so suddenly so needlessly the final few weeks before the accident he would drive up to the point alone early in the morning "to think" he said to think think about what I asked him "life" he would answer me but never did provide an explanation * THE SECOND DAY On the second day evil deed of past endeavors will confront you like a vast stinging swarm of bees They will buzz and tear your flesh and you will think that there is no tormenting greater in the order of the worlds or in the order of the hells you fear so much than you encounter now You will cower in the darkest recess of the forest of the mind you will cling to melting rock and tear your burning hair and blistering flesh That is how the order feels that you must now endeavour to confront It is you yourself It is the stages of your past evil deeds there is nothing you can do to stem the tide of what transpires now you must accept the anvil of your sins and only when accepted as your own will you be freed of the glowing chains of suffering And when you slowly regain your mind through all your blood-filled tears that is when the visions come that is when your second choice confronts your sanity the second choice because the first you were not ready for this is how it goes O wanderer so lost and so alone listen on this second day dawning the pure form of the waters will shine brightly as a white light piercing through your heart at this point the 'great immovable' will appear to you from the deep blue east surrounded by a myriad of female attendant goddesses each arrayed in shining gold surrounded by a sparking prayer wheel the sparks of which communicate with the greater heavens far beyond your dulled human intelligence Be that as it may Still you'll witness all through ignorance or understanding the great cycle will present itself and you will again be stunned at its magnificence The mirror-like wisdom now reflects your soul within the radiant white light of the fathermother It's dazzling brilliancy effulgent with the substance of desire that you will turn shield you eyes with hands like shields from dagger-thrusts A dull smoke-filled light will emanate from Hell and strike you like a whip piercing your skin to the bone and wincing pools of blood will flood down your appendages mixing with the bondage of the ground you walk upon Then through the power of anger a desperate fear will envelope you like burning fog and through this burning fog a powerful white light will startle you You will fear this light you will want to flee from it you will be attracted by the dull smoke entrenched light of hell it will seem gentler kinder in the face of things and you will want to embrace this light You will feel that it is warm and it will comfort you But that is not so indeed it is just the opposite It is the powerful persuasion and it will capture you and strike you down without you realizing what has happened Here the traveler looked up and seemed to slowly grasp what his desire wants the most He seems to want the path of least resistance the path that leads from here he still has little understanding of the cause and the effect No do not embrace this smoky light rather embrace the white light piercing brilliant full and startling to the senses Do not be afraid of it stand toward the white transparent light Know and understand this light to be the light of Wisdom Put your faith in it This light will not deceive you It will never harm a cell within your trembling body It is the guiding light the graceful light coming to receive you It is grace itself the saviour of the heart of every being in the universe It has come to save you from the terror and the fear of transient desire It has come to save you from the circle and the wheel of life and death Again I say again Do not be taken in by the smoky light of hell This is the evil power the illusion that will send you to eternal damnation It is the violence of anger wishing to embrace you Cast it out If you chose to fall within its spider web unbearable misery will overwhelm you and like a bull consumed by quicksand there will be no escape Therefore avoid the dull flat smoky light Refuse to be attracted by its simple warmth Flee from it Flee from it Flee Show no wanting thereto and no weakness Believe in the dazzling brilliant piercing white light and resplendent with a full desire and a truthful heart speak these sacred words: 'When wandering in the wilderness of longing and desire May I be led upon the path of full deliverance by the great manifestation of phenomena May the divine Mother of eternity guard me in distress May I be safely led through the ambush I encounter with the white light and the blue May I be accepted in the great oneness that encompasses the all' Saying these sacred words you will merge with the rainbow-colored light resplendent in itself and representative of the all-encompassing you will enter having done these things the Realm of the Ever-Happy Sorrow will no longer slow your pace CHORUS - Brother He was different that's for sure I remember when my parents held a birthday party for him and in the midst of it all the other children formed a circle around him he grew very sullen and then ran away We of course were flabbergasted we didn't know what to think he was such a strange animal always alone always in a different world it was hard at times to think of him as my own brother he never once confided in me never treated me as his confidante we were as apart as night and day at school he was more of the literary "geeky" kind you know what I mean he was always into books and the arts and would hardly ever even come to a sporting event I guess the kids teased him a lot But one thing I did notice It never seemed to bother him any As if he was almost oblivious to the whole thing I recall one incident where he was sitting in the schoolyard and some local bullies were calling him all sorts of names and taunting him but he just kept on reading until finally the teacher on duty admonished the kids and they left him alone it seemed as if he was in a kind of "safe zone" as if he was in a world that no one could touch him Had that happened to me I would have been furious and gone after them But not him As if it never happened I don't remember him going out much at all he didn't date unless we dragged him along and even then he stayed on his own always rather shy and stand- offish or at least that's how it appeared to many maybe he was just loner even then maybe he was just misunderstood he sure seemed to have turned out alright he did have this one girl he hung out with a lot I don't remember her name but I think she was as much into art and books as he was they would spend a lot of time wandering the woods or staying over by the lake mostly reading and discussing poetry he did play the guitar and was good enough at it that a local band asked him to join them but after a terrible audition (i'm sure because of nerves) he was turned down and never pursued that route again it's a shame really you should have heard him play really good he was after our father's accident he quit school and stayed helping on the farm I think he loved it there alone in the fields taking care of the crops he always took along a book mostly of greek or latin poetry I guess he was a great help in that respect I went to collage in the city and to study engineering I was never partial to farm life just wanting to get out of there as soon as I was able So it was a real shock when one day he came home with that pregnant wife of his (sure I knew although my parents didn't guess until later) and she was a real looker alright long auburn hair and a great bod I never really thought that they belonged together he was so introverted and she was quite the opposite and always in pursuit of higher social standing Although she didn't much speak of her parents I know that they were from up north and that they had some land and were quite wealthy It's still a mystery how he ever got involved with her I know that she had been divorced just prior to his meeting her on one of his rare trips to the city maybe she was on the rebound I don't know It's just strange that they should have been together but he did love the children he spent every available moment with them he could manage I think they were his great joy in life I know the week he died he and I had a falling out because he wanted me to return and help out on the farm he said it would be a difficult harvest and that he would need all the help that he could get to make ends meet and pay the mortgage but I had my job and other obligations and it was just impossible to get away what with a child on the way taking on new responsibilities for the company I'm not even sure I would have done so even if I could the farm was never my first priority and I did not want to waste my education That had always been a great argument between us he thought that we should ensure that the farm survived and that the history and heritage of the family tree survived I could never see it that way Sure I love my parents and it's great to come for a visit Especially after a stressful time It's so relaxing there but I wouldn't be able to stand it for more than a week or two after all it's still so primitive compared to the city I'd be bored to death besides my wife wouldn't be able to stand it there there's be nothing at all for her to do No The city's the place for us For my brother though it was different I always wanted him to join me with the company and I think he was seriously considering it the week of his tragic death There's really little else for me to say I wish I knew him better maybe all this talk of suicide could be avoided If you ask me I just think it was an accident I don't think he would have been so stupid Besides he loved the farm and his kids even if he had domestic problems he would have never even contemplated such an act especially as long as the kids were alive and he was needed by so many I guess it could have been hard on him all this responsibility at time even I had to admit that I admired his tenacity But to give up like that Never * THE THIRD DAY If on the second day you still have not found the courage and resolve in your heart and mind to let go the wants and fetters of the human lot and have been cast in obscurities on the path you deem to hold for you no clear direction If on the second day you still want for explanation and assurances to appease the terror in your heart When because of pride of love of common things you still shrink from embracing the fingers of the rays of grace through anger of the taking-away from you of something that was never yours to own If on the second day these things still prevent you from the seeing and the all-encompassing compassion that surrounds you If on the second day you still have a weakness of the body and a weakness of the mind and even more have not merged yourself in that effulgence of the spirit If on the second day you still flee from this the prominence of grace Then on the third day Resplendent on the path of human light stars and galaxies and all things that good perfect and desirable the Beautifier will appear to you with his attendant-train of spirit beings perfect in their countenance clothed in shining like the Pleiades in the coal-black darkness of the mortality offering unconditional acceptance from within the splendor of his heart At this time also the primal force of earth and of foundation will shine upon you This is the element of strength and power and of temples built to higher purpose This is the tower no one ever will tear down a beacon in the wilderness a guiding star for sailors who are lost upon the odyssey of life This is the yellow light The light of golden earth That cannot be diminished And it surrounds the Beautifier Who appears to you from the sector in the south You will know him thus He will appear as yellow in the yellow light and he will carry in his hand the jewel of perfect wisdom and he will be seated on a horse-throne embossed with pearl and ivory and he will be embraced by the omnipotent divinity of the great mother goddess who has given birth to the great all she of the eyes which ever watching ever present ever understanding ever haunting in their penetration of the truth even when it is hidden know this and the Beautifier he will shine his light on you Knowing this you will find favor but knowing this and yet ignoring what has here transpired bodes great evil bad omen and a straying from the path And you will behold a great rainbow light and amidst this great arc you will see the spirits of the Sky-Womb and the All-Good and the Keeper-of-the-Rosary and the Incense-Bearer and they will emanate forth these are the primal forms the Wisdom of Equality manifesting themselves as brightly yellow orbs summoning you But also among the brilliant yellow light a dullish blue-tinged yellow light will glow as if warm and friendly this is the light of the corporal world and even though attracted to it and fearful to behold the yellow-glow-of-wisdom light because it is so powerful do not allow your egotism to enfeeble your attempt at breaking through to the fuller side Therefore choose the brilliant yellow blinding light It will sting you like a thousand daggers painful to behold but it is the path you must decide upon and you must speak the sacred words again: 'When wandering in the wilderness of longing and desire May I be led upon the path of full deliverance by the great manifestation of phenomena May the divine Mother of eternity guard me in distress May I be safely led through the ambush I encounter with the white light and the blue May I be accepted in the great oneness that encompasses the all' Saying these sacred words with great humility and faith you will merge with the rainbow-colored light resplendent in itself and representative of the all-encompassing and you will enter having done these things the Southern Portion of the ever-glorious Sorrow will no longer be a curfew in your heart CHORUS - Sister My younger brother was a saint he would never have intentionally hurt anyone especially through such insidious means as what they are Never in a million years will I believe it He had a good word for everyone He always lent a helping hand Everybody was fond of him Even though he liked to be alone So what's wrong with that We all can't be the same He was an enormous help to our father on the farm in the last two years after after our father had his accident he ran every facet of the farm What I really think was the matter was that wife of his He should have never married her she wasn't one of us and she never wanted to fit in Sure she helped out every now and then but that was only when she had to come over She never came of her own accord If you ask me she's as much to blame for the accident as anyone or anything She distracted him with all her prodding about moving to the city She wanted him to take up a position in the family firm and he was so reluctant to leave my parents knowing that they could not care for the farm if he left He always felt that that would have been a great waste and as he once said "a desecration to our heritage" Yet on the other hand look at it now Perhaps had he not worried about it so he would still be alive today Besides you can see she didn't hesitate to leave as soon as the funeral was over Back to the city with the kids I don't think she even mourned It's a terrible waste of a young man especially someone who had to much to offer and upon whom so many relied I don't know what we will do now I guess we can last at least a year and my elder brother won't come back he's got too good a job in the city and he doesn't care for farming anyway I'll stay on to help care for my grandparents and then when they are gone who knows what Marriage children who knows I think that's much too late My brother and I had a very good and close relationship I believe that I was the only one that he ever confided in I remember one evening coming from the fields he was very much depressed and he said that he suspected his wife of having another lover but as soon as he said it he took it back and immediately added that I must never tell another living soul and that it was probably just his jealous imagination and he should not even think to think such things "Forgive me" he said I thought it was a strange way to act To apologize for something he suspected and then at the same time offer a retraction but what I wondered most about was the "Forgive me" He seemed so unsure of himself throughout the final period of his life Something was beginning to change him Something deep inside him was clawing itself to the surface and you could tell he was grappling with the devil The only time you ever saw him smile was with the children they became his only solace his only distraction in this time of duress I felt for my brother during this difficult time but he always gave me a hug and told me not to worry that whatever he felt was only a temporary thing that soon it would all be solved and he would be again the person that I knew I had no reason not to believe him he was always so positive "if not now then tomorrow" he would say One day he took me on a drive to the point where later he would find his death It was the most beautiful spot in all the valley and you could see for miles You could see the mountains to the south and all the villages scattered here and there He always told me how he would sneak out very early at dawn while his wife and children were still sleeping and come up here when the fog was still covering the villages and he would meditate on the beauty and the "substance of creation" He was always a poet at heart and I think he always regretted not having the higher education that his brother had because to be honest he was so much brighter than my elder brother and my elder brother got all the advantages but then he had more drive to succeed in the outside world my younger brother never quite felt comfortable in He wasn't a great conversationalist preferring instead to listen at gatherings than talk It was his manner to sit dreamily by the fire with a pipe and a cup of hot mulled wine and just smile at what others spoke about When younger he wasn't very close to our father who at that time spent most of his time between the tavern and the fields and very little with his family I guess that's the way of most farmers around here but after our fathers accident they somehow became closer and he would listen to father tell his stories and at times he would joke with him they seemed to both enjoy those moments It seemed as if they were becoming two buddies It was good to see together like that it made my heart warm But then so soon the tragedy that took him from us There seemed to be nothing different as he had often done before I suppose he went to see the fog and meditate he should have been back and ready for the fields within the hour but when he failed to return we all grew worried It was I who led them to the spot father and I drove down to see if he was still there At first we saw nothing from the road the sun was up and it was quiet and nothing to indicate that there had been any kind of accident Father wanted to go back having been assured that my brother was not here but I felt something it was such a strange ominous and terrible frighteningly emotional feeling as if I could hear him in the stillness "He's here" I said and I stepped out of the car and slowly walked toward the cliff it was then I saw the tire marks hidden by the fresh dew bespeckled grass A cold chill ran through me and when I saw down below the cliff the crumpled-up car I collapsed I came to in fathers arms and he was softly crying "We must return and call a doctor" he said with a look in his eyes which told me immediately that a doctor would be of no service The ride back seemed to take forever Father rushed into the house and called for an ambulance and then the police He drove back to the cliff to meet the police while I stayed behind and comforted mother no one at this time had thought to notify his wife and I decided I would have to go and wake her she had a habit of sleeping on to noon When I got there the house was still quiet and I knocked I don't know how many times and how frantically some of the neighbour women came to their windows and inquired what was going on I explained to them that there had been a terrible accident When she finally opened the door in her night-gown and still heavy with sleep "Yes?" she asked inquiringly as if she hardly knew who I was "There's been an accident" I blurted out abruptly and her face grew pale "I'll get my coat" We got a neighbour woman across the street to look after the children while her husband drove us to the cliff When we got there they had already brought my brother's body up into the ambulance and the police were inspecting the site by the casual way they were all standing about we knew that death had claimed another life My sister-in-law crumpled to her kneed and she was taken to the ambulance to see her husband's crumpled body As to be expected she was in hysterics and we drove her to the hospital following behind the ambulance When we all got home there was such silence that hardly anyone wanted to be the first to break it Mother was weeping silently in the corner comforted by grandma and some close friends and father was talking to some associates in low whispers I was the one who phoned my elder brother but reached only his wife who said with sadness that she would relate the news my elder brother came down the next morning and stayed a day after the funeral My brother made all the arrangements and at the funeral which all the town attended I saw out of the corner of my eye my father in a heated discussion with my brother I overheard the words "obligation" and "duty" but they were out of range and there was a chill autumn wind blowing and soon the rain came and then it was no more The police came by once or twice in the week following and asked some questions and then informed us what they thought might have been a "possibility" Of course we were all outraged and we didn't hide our anger and I still don't believe it they have no proof at all just one of their stupid theories because they can't determine a physical cause "the car was fine" "there was no reason for it to go off the cliff" "but what if he had been trying to turn the car around and somehow misjudged the distance?" "A possibility but we can't say very probable" "Perhaps he had a seizure of some kind?" "No medical evidence" "Perhaps he fell asleep after all it was so early in the morning" "Again possible but then the car would have to have moved on its own" "Perhaps he did not set the brakes" "The marks on the ground would suggest the car was started and did not just roll with the terrain.." So many questions So many conjectures What good does it do He rests in peace now * THE FOURTH DAY If still upon the third day you deny yourself the courage to accept the bold and brilliant yellow light that communicates its empathy and wisdom you will enter that portion of the evil in your heart that has made you fail within the duty to yourself and your community Having failed the promises you made and having bred into the obscurities of the covetous and the usury which nags and nags your hope to find the deeper part of what you call salvation If this has been your lot then on the Fourth day The Incomprehensible Light will pass into your ken and surround you with the great throng of lesser lights each of which will haunt your past endeavors and recall to mind the curse of what you wrought Oh listen to me wanderer It is on this the Fourth day you will be surrounded by the red light which composed of the element fire will lick at your belly and brandish you with a terror and a fear you have not yet experienced From the Red-West Realm of Happiness this light will emanate like a lotus open on a peacock throne embraced by the White-clothed one and bearing down upon you the Compassion and the Voice of Glory and the incarnation of the music and the light each a different hue of red as if a halo light of rainbow glory The red light will strike upon you with a frightening radiance and heave your heart into acceleration until your lungs will sharpen with the dizzy void of over-breathing Fear it not It is the image of the father-mother once again come to guide purposeful referral of your lonely quest Fear it not And with this brilliant jewel of red hot wisdom will appear in tandem the dull red light flavoring the air with gentle indifference Be not fond of it Ignore the dull red light and wander steadfast toward the heart of wisdom the sharp red light the glory of the ages past and present and of future Embrace the glorious light Find it in your heart to not be struck dumb by it's dazzling display of reverential glory But this is also the danger time Be aware This is the time that you can lose your head and fear the images you fail to understand Let it not be so Merge with it merge into the sharper light and do not resign yourself to laziness and dullness and a base desire for the comfortable If you do not recognize the divinity of the blinding sheaf of truth defining light the light of grace the light of quick salvation the light of unity the light that in another life you have so longed after the light that you should even though you doubt it trust do not spill into the light of the immediate self-fulfilling dullness of obscurity the obscurity that still is comfort in your mindless mind and heartless heart This is the light that confronts you from your self-desires it is wrought by your weak attachments those trinkets that you think define your nature but define nothing more than triviality If you should weaken and succumb to this immediate dull-developed light of comfort and of ] cushion-soft accumulated laziness you will be forever chained together with the other slothful and unhappy beings that cannot bring courage to their self-enveloped lives See them suffer the immediate stones upon their backs heaving heavy laden sighs of tearful blood-regrets they cannot overcome Do not sink into the quagmire of this weakness but be strong The dull red light interrupts the path to liberation Do not be so weak This is an illusion you musty see for what it is precisely an illusion you can be without Spurn it Trust instead the light that surges forward like a raging river Face the torrent know that it will sweep you into the ecstasy of the unknown This is where you can expect salvation This is the great colossal father mother Fall down to your knees and meet this prayer with the heart of a tiger bent on only one clear path 'When wandering in the wilderness of longing and desire May I be led upon the path of full deliverance by the great manifestation of phenomena May the divine Mother of eternity guard me in distress May I be safely led through the ambush I encounter with the white light and the blue May I be accepted in the great oneness that encompasses the all' Saying these sacred words with great humility and faith you will merge with the rainbow-colored light resplendent in itself and representative of the all-encompassing and you will enter having done these things the Southern Portion of the ever-happy glorious Sorrow will no longer be a curfew in your heart CHORUS - Grandfather I have seen so much sorrow can another sorrow add much more? From father to son and son to son generations come and go The old succumb to silence where youth is loud indeed there is plenty that comes after and there is plenty which repeats My father was a farmer a tiller of the soil as was his father's father and his father's father before him And always has this been as such and always it should be as such and yet why does this old man fell there is an end Wars and famine dust and rot I remember a year when the soil was dust beneath my feet and always we had stamina and faith to guide us through another year there were always sons to carry on a hard tradition but what else was there to do once upon a time the worker custodian of the soil had pride and this pride was what kept him going It may be an old thing maybe it's outmoded at least it's hard to come by these days and it's not war and famine not dust and locust not hurricane nor drought that robs us of our heritage it's what's out there beyond what we can control it attacks us savagely like a dread disease and no one offers medicine they watch us die one by one until there is nothing left but ruin and they laugh at us and they taunt us and they spit upon the ground they took from us and what can I do I who am old infirm and helpless I who have seen five generations plow this fertile land and now see its demise how hard it is to bear how hard to see through tearful eyes the inheritor who leaves his heritage upon the stroke of death and leaves no other heirs committed to the cause One grandson dead and the other no longer interested and the children of the dead not raised to keep the land I cannot see the seed continue I cannot no longer see the future provided for and I who have been such a happy man what happiness can I project now what sadness clouds my face I am old and I grow weary I think I've seen enough my wife bedridden knows the time has come having been abandoned we must soon abandon too When a young man with a beautiful young bride and what a marvelous wedding and what a wonderful wedding night When I was a young man While I tended the fields and made sure the cattle were grazed my wife would keep the house and the waft of her cooking filled the air that just the smell revitalized a hungry man When the house burned one november night I spent the spring rebuilding with my father and his broad shoulders that is the house we live in now It is sad to see it come to this I had hope my grandson would rebuild and perhaps make a greater from a lesser part we all cannot look progress in the eye and spit But it is not progress that has done this devil of a thing to us it is betrayal betrayal by the ones we've trusted as custodians of this land it's a betrayal of greed and treachery and most by those we trusted most but simple farmers cannot run away they are tied permanently to their land the seasons and their crops the simple pleasures that are theirs are theirs no longer and as the simple gives way to complex corporate bureaucracy there is little left but be a puppet on a string I had always held out hope that someday things would revert to what they once had been to a quiet compromise between the daily need and the want of others but now I see no chance of that I only see corruption greed and disrespect for what nature has to offer I held out hope that the children would comfort the old and that somehow they would realize the lessons of the old and implement new policies which would allow a simple way of life to continue Was I wrong * THE FIFTH DAY On the fifth day you will see the representative of the colour green and the element of air emanating from the Green North Realm of Pinnacle Performance The actions of the mighty conqueror Seated on the Happy Throne embraced by the Divine Mother the saviour and the nurturer the bearer of the thunderbolt he who clear the path of obscurities the aggregate of volition the green light of the all encompassing Wisdom who will appear as a dazzling entity shining like a brilliant jewel in the darkness of the corridor you now inhabit this is the light of the divine Father/Mother and it will bounce off ragged walls and thrust itself like a brazen dagger into your mortal eyes Do not fear this light Use it to direct your full attention of you quest But there is also a dull green light of jealousy which will embrace you like a warm blanket and will attempt to cast a glow of fond illusion on your brow Be now forewarned and no not exhibit fond desires for this light The light of this entity is an illusion emanating from the jealousy still within your own heart Know that if you choose the intense green light of highest wisdom you will instantly recognize the right path you must take But if you caress the dull green light if you joyously accept the illusionary properties as real you will be inflicted by intense jealousy and you will set upon the path which will lead you to the great unbearable misery of eternal quarreling and bloody war Know where this will lead Abandon it Fall down to your knees and meet this prayer with the heart of a tiger bent on only one clear path 'When wandering in the wilderness of longing and desire May I be led upon the path of full deliverance by the great manifestation of phenomena May the divine Mother of eternity guard me in distress May I be safely led through the ambush I encounter with the white light and the blue May I be accepted in the great oneness that encompasses the all' Saying these sacred words with great humility and faith you will merge with the rainbow-colored light resplendent in itself and representative of the all-encompassing and you will enter having done these things the Southern Portion of the ever-happy glorious Sorrow will no longer be a curfew in your heart CHORUS - Grandmother My husband cannot understand the new ways are foreign to him you must forgive the way he talks He had placed so much hope in his grandsons and so much was taken away from him when one died and the other refused to carry on the farm It has been a great blow to him He had hoped the direct decadency would continue but now sees little hope Who can blame him We are both old and infirm and will not live much longer Our son cannot carry on by himself His injury makes it impossible for him to carry this great load If only we had the children But they also have been taken away and educated differently they know little of our ways and who can blame them they want what everyone else has they see and they want it's just natural and who would deny them the right to choose one life for another I would never want to come between them and tell them they are wrong I have always said that if they are so inclined they will come to it all in due time You know even through all the things that we have gone through there is one thing we have never lacked and that is faith faith is the great hope of the future How many generations have now worked this land how many have built and rebuilt this stone house and how many have come close to losing it It is something to consider Perhaps who knows it really is time this saga came to an end perhaps the world has changed to much that there no longer is a place for us I hope not It is such a beautiful and vibrant world and it always renews itself the old is always new and the new incorporates the old and one generation gives and the other takes and changes things and gives again to the next each day the air is fresh with the scent of the seasons and the rich perfume of flowers and herbs and cooking and pine-wood and shellac I would think that it will just continue on forever and that the future is beyond us to observe I think it will be just as good as this It doesn't need to be with us You see I have seen these generations come and go just like the seasons and each generation is different from the last each takes and gives and gives and takes my husband's father when I married him wasn't keen on me coming into the family He thought I was flighty and not of farmer stock but through the years I proved them wrong I was stronger then they ever suspected and I earned their respect and my son earned it also and though through hardship and injury he is no longer able to fully care for the farm without the help of others he is still a proud man and will gather strength from adversity He will find a way to carry on My grandsons thought you may not think are of the same proud stock and they have been their own from the beginning and I have seen the family split and I have seen the family come together and I have seen what can be done when proud reclaim their duty and mark my word I know they will I know that we don't have but they have time They are grieving now and they will grieve some more before this hopelessness descended on them dissipates and with clear mind reckoning they will find a solution It has always happened before and I see no difference now When my first son was killed in the war my youngest wanted nothing of this place he didn't want to return but he did he worked the land before and he worked it after I wish my words could help * THE SIXTH DAY On the sixth day all the divine entities that are the great father and the great mother will reveal themselves to you in one great and glorious shining They will be surrounded by six lesser entities (the lokas) and the five orders of ultimate wisdom who will emanate from the centres of your own thought formations Look at them and see them clearly for what they are and refuse to be distracted from your journey Within their lights is revealed the further lights of the ultimate union of the four great wisdom being Phenomena and Void signifying the great and thorough analysis Radiance and Void radiating fondness for the great purpose of the greater quest Bliss and Void signifying the envelopment of bliss when understand what the ultimate end of all will be Consciousness and Void being the concentration required and achieved through great training and perseverance to achieve the great perfection of the ever-all Act as though you know the See them as familiar friends who will guide you further on the righteous path to your salvation On this sixth day the four colours of the four primary elements will appear ever luminescent and shine upon with the surety of your enlightenment these four primary elements are water with its clarity and mixing with the in between Earth with its solid firmament foundation rooting roots all things firm Fire with its consummation and its equal quality of great regeneration Air with its ethereal invisibly felt great body of surrounding life From the central realm of the enlightened seed Vairochana the father/mother with his great attendant train will shine upon you From the eastern realm of Pe-imminent Happiness Vajra-Sattva the Father/Mother and numerous attendant will enlighten you From the southern realm of unparalleled glory comes Ratna-Swambhava also the father/mother with great host of followers will envelop you in a great curtain of illumination From the western realm of heaped-up lotuses Amitabha the father/mother will appear before you shining like a fire surrounded by a multitude of lesser lights attending to his needs From the northern realm of perfect philanthropy Amogha-Siddhi the father/mother will appear as a great benevolent sun with a multitude of sparking stars attending him and warm the heart of your soul so as to prepare you for the greater portion of the cumulation of your quest All of these will come amidst a fantastic halo of brighlty-coloured rainbow light to shine on you illumination the immediate needs of your desires Then about the outer circle of these entities you will confront the four door-keepers and the ones that will display their animosity toward you and you will also be witness to the victorious one and the one who has conquered death and then the horse-necked king and the urn of nectar all of these will appear before you with the knowledge of your inner self and they will be there with the 4 female door keepers and the goad-bearer the noose-bearer the chain bearer and the one who tolls the bell you will see them all along with the essence of the guardians of the supreme power with their strange strong texture and their hold on mankind like a lion lording over brute kingdom an unshakable lion with a flaming mouth inhabiting the lower world as the king of truth These eight father/mother door-keepers and also the six teachers, known as the victorious ones will shine on you with a saturating brilliance you will scarcely know your way The all-good father the all-good mother the great ancestors the divine father the divine mother will also shine on you the 42 perfect deities issuing from your heart a product of your own pure love will come and shine on you know them o wanderer all these things come from inside of you they come from the inner dimension of your being the four divisions of your heart which with the center make five directions they issue from within you they shine upon you the deities are also come from within and not from without they have existed forever in the faculty of your own intelligence know them to be of your own nature o wanderer all of this is in proportion to what is within your heart and mind these deities are divided into five groups surrounded by five circles of radiance the male elements partaking of the divine fathers and the female elements partaking of the divine mothers all this will illumine you they are your guardians know them to be as such o wanderer from the heart of the divine fathers and the divine mothers of these five orders the rays of light from the five wisdoms will unite and strike against your heart on this path blue orbs emitting lights of wisdom will appear like an inverted turquoise cup surrounded by smaller orbs glorious dazzling radiant transparent with five smaller satellites illumined by five starry lights leaving neither the centers or the edges shadowed from the heart of VS white mirror like wisdom surrounded by white orbs each like an inverted mirror will shine from the heart of RS the yellow wisdom of equality surrounded by yellow orbs like an inverted gold cup will shine from the heart of A the red light of discriminating wisdom surrounded by red orbs like inverted coral cups will shine leaving nothing but a great illumination all of this will shine upon your heart simultaneously o wanderer all these visions radiate from your own faculties there is no other place they have come from do not be attracted to them do not show weakness nor let terror enter in your heart but meditate on the non-being the non-thinking in that state all thee illusions will merge into you and you will gain the perfect state of being the green light of the wisdom of perfect actions will not shine on you for you have not yet gained the wisdom to project it o noble wanderer these are called the four united wisdoms from which emanate the secret teachings at this time you must remember these instructions if you remember these instructions you will recognize different lights and be cognizant of their meaning and you will understand them to be the outer reflections of the inner light which emanates from you you will believe in them and they will be as friends to you and you will understand why this meeting has occurred just like a son understands his mother And believing in the unchanging nature of the secret truth you will have merged into the perfect body of intelligence and you have attained greater form from which there is no return o wanderer along with the lights of wisdom the impure illusory lights of the six locas will also shine these are the dull white light from the divas the dull green light from human beings the dull blue light from the brutes the dull red light from the petras and a dull smoky light from hell these six lights will shine along with the lights of wisdom do not be afraid but allow your mind to meditate only on the non-thought if you should find yourself afraid by the pure lights of wisdom and attracted to the impure lights of the six lokas then you will change into any of these six lokas and these six earthly miseries and you will never escape from the ocean of the eternal regeneration and you will inhabit the tunnel forever and forever and taste only the mortal suffering unto eternity o chosen wanderer if you cannot remember these instructions you will fear the pure illuminations of wisdom and its attendant train therefore you will be attracted by the lights of being do not take this path put all your faith and trust in the blinding lights of wisdom train yourself to think that these compassionate lights of wisdom and the five great orders have come through compassion to lead you to the great all take refuge in them not yielding to the six illusion but by concentrating the whole mind toward the divine fathers and the divine mothers pray thus 'When wandering in the wilderness of the five poisons on the bright path of the four united wisdoms may I be led by the five victorious conquerors may the five orders of divine mothers be my rear guard may I be rescued from the six lokas and being saved from the path of the dreaded ever-return may I inhabit the five divine realms' Saying these sacred words with great humility and faith you will recognize your own inner light and merging with oneself attains the ever-desirable liberation from the senses but alas there are some who will find this difficult and the evil in their hearts will make the ever-return the only path for them *** CHORUS - Wife the night before his death i seem to recall he was very sullen very quiet he would sit with the children by the fireplace and didn't say much and hardly touched his wine I know that he wasn't sure of the decisions he had to make He didn't want to leave the farm but I kept assuring him that it would be for the best and especially for the children What future would they have here we owed it to them to give them the best of everything and he would never make that kind of money while remaining just a farmer That is why went to the city a few weeks before to discuss a job offer with my father's firm he said that he would think about it and I guess he did but he also kept wavering kept holding back and wouldn't discuss it with anyone especially me I guess it's obvious that that lead to a lot of tensions and there were more than just a few arguments he would spend time at the tavern something he hardly ever did and sometimes he would come home early in the morning quite drunk at one point I thought he had an affair and I followed him but it turned out that he was just walking in the woods can you imagine that walking in the woods at night alone I thought he was crazy and I told him so in no uncertain terms I threatened him more than once that if he didn't straighten out and take the job with the firm that I would take the children and leave him for good that seemed to put a stop to it he grew very quiet and then said very well I will speak with your father next week when I go down to the local auction and that was the end of it we hardly spoke for the rest of the week in fact in the evenings he hardly left the house except to visit his parents I know they had a lot of discussions about the poor harvest which they suspected from what I understand the crops were very bad this year and there was little they could salvage besides the farm had been in trouble for a while my husband had taken out a loan to keep it going and he was hoping for a good crop and that also had an effect on him he never told his parents what he did and I think they thought that everything was fine I don't think it ever dawned on them that there was little left to do but abandon the farm I could spared them the effort The first time I came here I knew that there was nothing here I kept insisting that we should move to the city and that he should get a proper job but no not him he just had to try I guess I stayed because I loved him and besides with a child on the way what was I to do then the years just flew by one two three and another child and the mortgage on the house I guess we just settled in even though I was pretty bored I mean what is there to do in a little village such as this oh yes his parents were kind to me they seemed to accept me all except his sister for some reason we never got along a pretty girl but rather stupid his mother i think really just tolerated me anyway I guess she thought I was stealing her son I guess I should have never let him talk me into coming here he promised that it would be just for a little while until the harvest was in and the farm was back on its financial feet well I guess they did have a good harvest that year and things were looking up but then his father had that stupid accident when the tractor ran over his leg and he was out of commission for what looked like an eternity so what I guess we had no choice but to stay on and help besides there was money coming in and except for some excitement we didn't want for anything I saw him first at a dance he came in one saturday night and sat alone in a corner he was so handsome I just had to meet him a few days later I met him again at a tobacconist and there we struck up a conversation he told me that he was from a small village and that he was negotiating to buy supplies for the coming harvest I was intrigued he spoke nothing like the rough farmers I had known he was courteous and kind and very gentle and also quite shy he asked if he could take me to a restaurant and talk some more I accepted I asked him why he sat alone that night at the dance and he said that he just needed to be alone among people It seemed a strange thing to say In any event he went back to the farm but not before asking to see me again when he came back to town the month from this and I said yes and that is how it began we kept seeing each other for almost six months six three day periods I took him to see my parents and I could see they were not at all impressed they had always hoped that I would meet and marry one of their kind like both my other sisters especially my mother she wanted me to break with him when my father asked him what his future plans were he said to find peace and happiness what an answer peace and happiness my father just looked at me and said I see then he walked slowly to the window and looked out across the square he didn't have to say a thing I was heartbroken on the next-to-last visit before the fall he asked me to marry him I said yes When I told my parent they were furious and said that if I did such a thing they would disown me I ran from the house crying and spent the night with an old boyfriend I know I shouldn't have but I had nowhere else to go when the next month came around we eloped and that's when I found out that I was pregnant I never told my husband and he never asked why m our son's hair was blond when both families' hair was dark Maybe he suspected but he never brought up the subject and he never treated our son any differently as if he were his own I guess that's one thing I should have cleared up before this horrendous incident but I guess it's up to me to put the past behind and be a good mother to my children For ten years we spent in that town and for ten years my husband worked his fingers to the bone and little thanks he got for that they just kept asking him for more and he kept working It was hard for me to see him thus It was hard for me to see him suffer you could see it in his eyes that's why I wanted him to get out and asked him to go see my father and discuss with him a job offer from the firm but he was as proud as an elephant at first he wouldn't have any of it but then slowly something worked on him All the years of work and all those people wanting more and more He felt it on his shoulders and the weight got heavier and heavier Well he finally did consent to speak to my father and even that was hard on him I don't think he knew which way to turn He told me he was going to give me his decision just the night before he died I miss him so I really don't want to think about the accident it's just too difficult for me I had to get away I took the children back to their grandparents and I left for a few weeks on the Riviera I just had to get away from all that pressure when I come back I guess I'll have to decide what to do with the house and the furniture maybe in a few weeks when my head has cleared right now I just can't think clearly enough you understand * THE SEVENTH DAY On the seventh day The knowledgeable ones from the realms of paradise stand before you with a blinding radiance at the same time the worldly passion of stupidity will also try to trip you up On the 7th day dawning scattered colors will shine as sparkles on the sea these are the knowledgeable ones coming to present themselves to you They are contained in the center of a great rainbow-colored circle and this great rainbow circle will contain along with the knowledgeable ones the great dancers of the perfect realm and the Supreme Vault of Knowledge colored by the five colors of the spectrum and embraced by the mother who has been and will be mother of the all and like flames the red imps sputtering holds a dagger like the crescent of the moon and a skull filled with crimson blood and all of them are dancing dancing like the dance of death around the pole of life In the east a vision of the earthly knowledge appears in white raiment embraced by the mother of the gods and of the lesser gods and of the greater gods yet to come and like the flames of the white imps sputtering holds a dagger like the crescent of the moon and a skull filled with crimson blood and all of them are dancing dancing like the dance of death around the pole of life In the south a vision of life's known duration appears in yellow garb embraced by the mother of the earth and of the lesser earths and of the greater earths yet to come and like the flames of the yellow imps sputtering holds a dagger like the crescent of the moon and a skull filled with crimson blood and all of them are dancing dancing like the dance of death around the pole of life In the west a vision of the great symbol of the all appears in red war paint embraced by the mother of the universe and of the lesser universes and of the greater universes yet to come and like the flames of the red imps sputtering holds a dagger like the crescent of the moon and a skull filled with crimson blood and all of them are dancing dancing like the dance of death around the pole of life In the north a vision of the great self-taught appears in red green embraced by the mother of the house of life and of the lesser house of live and of the greater house of life yet to come and like the flames of the green imps sputtering holds a dagger like the crescent of the moon and a skull filled with crimson blood and all of them are dancing dancing like the dance of death around the pole of life Around the outer circle you will envision the eight crematories the four distinctive classes the three realms of the thirty holy places the twenty four places of pilgrimage and you will also see all the Heroes all the Heroines and all the Warriors and the protectors of the faith and you will see the male and the Female with six ornaments carved from human bones with Drums and Trumpets and Timbrels and banners of human skin waving in the wind and capes of human skin and human-skin bandettas and fumes of human fat uplifting to the sky and uncountable other musical instruments from which the whole system of the world vibrates And you will tremble for they have come to lead away the faithful and punish the unfaithful O wanderer five colours will radiate from the simultaneously born wisdom purified in its propensities transparent awe inspiring with an overwhelming pungency issuing from the greater heart of knowledge they strike you with a brightness that will dazzle all your senses At the same time A dull blue light of the sentient world will shine along with the radiant light of wisdom Do not be afraid even though like a thousand thunder rolling thunder-bolts they reverberate through valleys and the hills up to the highest mountain to roaring in the sky like elephants and lions in the dark jungle of the night But do not see the darkness See the inner light Do not be attracted to the dull light that will only favour your illusion and lead you far astray So when confronted with their arguments spread yourself upon the earth and in earnestness and fully conscious cognizance say this prayer Oh knowledge present me with the faculties to gain the proper path which cannot lead me to the wrongful entities which harbour in my soul I long in earnestness and steadfastness to meet the light however frightening it's appeal Train me to acknowledge and embrace the light that dims all other lights and overwhelms the senses of the sentient I am humble here before you I would honour you Surround me Lead me to the greater realm where I will merge with the future all ... Having said this supplication Immediately upon the realization of the spoken words you will be merged with the radiant clear light the light that is the primal dawning which anchors in you like a bolt of lightning snapping you awake This is the realization no one can explain for words were never made that argue its appeal they reality is far far beyond the boundary of human thought That is why you see what you will see emanating from internal presences Know then what is real and what is not Know then where the knowledge of the right path leads and know then also how the wrong can be avoided This concludes the face-to-face encounter with the Benevolent Agencies. *** * THE DAWNING OF THE MALEVOLENT AGENCIES CHORUS - Son (8 Years later) Father once built me a kite which flew so high that it was almost invisible and I though that it had flown up to heaven Then father told me to take the string and gently pull and I felt the power of the kite in my hands and he explained to me that that was the power that man held over God I didn't understand him at the time being only nine but now eight years later I think I know what he was saying He was saying there is nothing we can't achieve if we have control over our beliefs Mother says that we will not return to the farm and that next year I will be attending university like my uncle and then become an engineer or a lawyer I know she prefers me to become a lawyer because my grandfather thinks that I could be part of the business but I don't know I don't know why people expect so much from me I know even less why they think they have to take me away from the farm I loved it there It was so quite and so calm I had all kind of time to read and write and meditate In the early mornings before school I used to go into the woods for half and hour or so and just marvel at all the colours and the moss was always so soft and especially when the sun came through the pines and it was as if the rest of the world just didn't exist and now in the city where can I go what is there to do I think I would rather be back on the farm but mother won't let me she says that maybe next year I can visit but only for a few days But I want to stay there longer I think they need my help now that father is no longer on this earth I wish father were the kite and I could pull the string and bring him back wouldn't that be something but mother keeps telling me that he will never come back and that such fantasies are not becoming someone who is ready to attend a prestigious university But to tell you the truth I don't really want to attend university unless I could take the courses in agriculture which really interest me But what's the use talking to them they keep reminding me that they're the ones who are funding my education and because of that I have an obligation to carry this through Some obligation forced labour I call it As long as I do what they want It will be alright And what about me what about what I want What about my needs They'd have a fit if they heard me speak like this but I don't care You see I have a plan I will attend university for the first year and then when I gain my majority I will leave university and will return to the farm and help it prosper You see I know something they don't know and they must never find out I have been in contact with grandfather for the last two years They though I had forgotten all about my father and the farm But they are wrong My grandfather's had a pretty hard time of it but somehow he managed to mortgage the land and keep it going but I know he's also heavily in debt and has asked several time whether my mother could not arrange a loan I know because I overheard her talking on the phone on day That's when I decided to get in touch with grandfather and offer my help but I have no money I can touch until I'm twenty one and I think that'll be too late But grandfather says that if I have hope I can make dreams come true I may not have known my father well being so young when he died but I know what he would have wanted me to do even though my mother would fight me all the way that is what I wish to do and they can't stop me When I told grandfather of this plan he became he said that he admired my dedication to the family but also admonished me for conspiring behind my mother's back he said that being devious is not being honorable and being honorable is what really counts He told me to go to university and study agriculture and then come back to the farm otherwise he said without modern farming methods it would be futile but even I know before that can happen I must somehow convince mother to allow for some sort of funding to keep the farm alive after all she lived among them for ten years there must be something in her heart I promised grandfather that I would attempt to talk to her but that I couldn't guarantee that she would listen whether something happens or not he said that is already a great contribution I am so proud to have a grandfather like him one day he promised me that he would tell me all the stories that he knows of my father I can hardly wait * THE EIGHT DAY If upon the first part of this journey you should not have found your way and still end wandering in the aloneness of confusion take hold of your endeavors and concentrate upon what you shall now be told Not having been able to recognize the benevolent entities who have come to you with the messages of light it is now the time for the blood-drinkers to descend on you in all their razzmatazz and dazzle and convulsive glass-eyed terror be sure to recognize them or know they will refuse to show you mercy The first one to appear will be the Vast and Mighty Brown in colour and with his three heads and six hands and four feet firmly rooted in the ground his right face white as chalk his left face red as flowing blood and his middle face dark brown as the bark on an ancient oak His body will be flame and his nine dilated pupils will affix themselves upon you in a terrifying stare His eyebrows will be quivering and his jagged teeth protruding on his lower lip revolting with a cackling sound that sounds like "ah-la-la" or "Ah-ha-ha" as like a piercing whistled intruding on your ears His russet hair unkempt and radiating strands of red hot light that flickers on the ceiling of the cavern in which you find yourself confined His three heads will be adorned with three dried skulls which are the symbols of the sun and moon and of the black serpents creeping on through the mud and his body will be girdled by raw heads all covered loosely with rotting scraps of flesh and clotting yellow blood In his first right hand he will be holding a enormous spinning wheel and in his middle hand an heavy flashing sword and in his last hand a bloody ax In his first left hand he will be holding a black cast iron bell and in his middle hand a bowl carved from a skull and in his last hand you will see a plowshare used to dig up all the graves and fertilize the soil He will be embraced by Mother of wrath who will with her right hand cling like an eagle to his neck and with her left hand hold a shell of steaming blood up to his mouth and she will make sounds that cackle and rumble like the thunder in the evil of the icy night But even though their properties are evil the flames of wisdom still blaze from every pore of their repulsive bodies with one leg bent and with the other leg straight they are supported by great horned eagles Know these things to come from your own brain Do not fear the evil you believe you see Do not stand awed by the great strength formidability of their vast powers All these images are dragged from your own mortal realm experiences Do not be tempted to flee There is nowhere you can run These forms will be with you forever In reality it is only BV the father and the mother showing you another side of your own nature and giving you incentive as a test Recognize them immediately and you will come to merge with the oneness of the all *** CHORUS - Daughter (8 years later) Mother was right to leave that place There was nothing there for us so why would we want to stay after father had gone and left us It was a horrible time and I really don't want to remember it I could always see how sad my mother was for being forced to stay there against her will I saw her cry late at night when father wasn't there She sometimes was so lonely for real company that at times she would have done anything to get out of there I don't know what my brother sees in that smelly dusty land and all the uneducated peasants and to think that he actually want to go back there I hope mother stops him he's just be wasting his life I was so glad when we moved away from there it was like a prison I mean I could never go anywhere and the boys used to tease me with their filthy and disgusting crudeness I liked it best when we would go to the city or I could visit my grandparents and they would take me shopping and buy me all kinds of clothes and things They would allow me to go to the movies and to parties with friends who weren't lower class hicks Country living is for losers What do I know about my father What don't I know about him Mother told me enough Late at night right after he died she would lie in bed with me and talk about all the hard times she had to endure and the torment and humiliation of having to live among those farmers She said she had no choice because she loved my father and that he was almost ready to come and work for grandfather in his factory when he died and that my mother would have left him had he not done so I know I was young then and probably did not understand it that well but now I fully understand and feel that she did the right thing in trying to force him to get a proper life for us for who can support a family by farming such a dirty profession Well he treated me pretty good as far as I remember We used to go for long walks in the fields with my brother and the hay rides and the times spent sitting with us by the fireplace and reading to us were pretty good memories and especially christmas with the great tree and the snow and all the festivities I don't think I will ever forget that but there weren't and good presents mostly clothes which some of the others had made themselves and lots of food but that was about all Once or twice I remember toys bought in the city but that was only the last christmas before that I used to get cloth dolls and my brother used to get things like kites which I know he hated The townsfolk were so crude and I think we all felt like outsiders Even my father seems to have been apart from them oh yes mother tells me that he would go to the town to be with the other farmers but from what mother told me kept their distance from them I don't know why He did his best I remember the many books along his study wall It seemed like he had a million of them Mother always tried to get him to get rid of that lot saying he spent half his time in the fields and half his time reading I think he was wasting his life and ours for that matter staying on that god-forsaken farm even the priest didn't like him but then again he didn't like any of his relatives either He used to come over and try to persuade him to give up his irreligious ways and return to the church I still don't know what any of that meant Mother told me all about it over the years and it just seemed to stick in my mind I really can't talk much longer I have an engagement with some friends of mine we are planning a trip to Paris to do some real shopping That will be my last trip before school begins again While my brother is off to university and will be a great lawyer or engineer some day I still have to stay here with two more years of high school I don't think that's fair but then what can I do about it I'm already going to modeling school part time and when I get out will go there full time One thing for sure I won't be a farmer when I get married * THE NINTH DAY But if you flee on the ninth day more blood-drinkers be resurrected they will come and vanquish all the hope you might have entered through the ages in your heart Listen The All-powerful one the great amasses undefeated one the one of the dark-blue appearance the one with three faces six hands and four feet firmly entrenched in the solid ground In his first hand holding a thunderbolt in his middle hand a carved skull-bowl deep with human blood deep with the desire of the human mind deep with the fantastic fantasies humans ever feel and in the final hand a battle ax worn ragged from the multitudes of battles fought examining all history examining the final condition of the humanoid whether he should live or die In the first left hand holding a great bell in the middle holding a skull bowl and in the last a great plowshare this to till the heart of every soul until it is turned over and renewed and his body is embraced by the great vast mother her right hand clinging to his neck her left hand offering a red bowl of blood All of this will emanate from the eastern quarter of your human mind Don't dare fear do not fear the mind that confronts you it is your own it is what you have gotten and amassed throughout all the history of your condition Do not be in awe of what you are yourself or what you might project there is no one else that can harm you except yourself you yourself inflict the final wounds that kill you yourself are your worst destroyer even though you hardly know survival is an instinct you survive like a beast will smell it's own survival smell it now see the light that is the light you will remember not the dull intoxicating light that makes you feel like a shadow blanket warm and sleepy All of this is embodied in your own intelligence Don't be terrified All this really is is VS and the father and the mother signaling their desire to see you follow the glory-path into the realm of your beginning-end both together the merging of nothing and the everything all they are there for is to guide you and they spring forth from your heart their recognition brings you liberation merge with them merge merge into the greater all *** CHORUS - Father of the Wife A couple of days before his tragic death he came to me at the behest of my daughter and we discussed a job offer I had made to him some months before He seemed to me very unsure about it and wanted some weeks to think it over I told him to take all the time that he wanted My daughter was furious She thought I should have persuaded him to take the offer but I tried to explain to her that it was not my job to persuade him into anything In fact I told her that it was up to her to straighten out any problems their marriage had I just made the offer because I believe that he could actually do the job Actually the man impressed me by his honesty and knowledge albeit a bit spurious since I know that he did not have a collage education and was mostly taught on his own You could tell that he was well read and that he had the capacity to retain what he had read and to solve problems and make right decisions Someone like that I can always use in the firm And besides his knowledge of the farmers' ways would have made him a good bargaining tool I would have sent him as a representative around the farms and he could have been good for our company in that respect I never told my daughter what position I had in mind for him because had I told her she would have raised a royal ruckus But to be honest I have to place my personnel in the most efficient position I can otherwise this company would fall apart in a matter of months I certainly wouldn't have wanted him around in any executive position For that I think he was much too undisciplined and I wasn't about to spring for a university education for a farmer But as a trader he could be a real asset But then all that is academic now with his untimely death what we have to do now is see to it that the children get the best care and education possible and I have already set up a fund for them My daughter is still quite disconsolate as would be expected although the children have taken this quit well Perhaps that is due to the fact that my we thought it best to take the children from that environment as soon as the funeral was over and done with It probably saved them a lot of trauma We still don't know what really happened and we guess never will In cases such as this it's best to just let it go There is so little one can do But I'm glad this family holds together so well It has always been our strong point when things get tough When my daughter married him my wife was out of herself she couldn't understand why the daughter she had raised to be comfortable in the most refined circles of society could do such a thing to us But I suppose when it comes to love we are all in the dark I know that my wife's parents weren't very keen on me the first time they laid eyes on me After all I was still in third year economics and had very little to offer a wife except for love and ambition But it's strange that's something I never saw in my daughter's husband He seemed to think that everything would take care of itself and that all he would have to do is work hard and be honest A simple kind of logic and I suppose sufficient for a farmer's needs I offered some money to help them keep the farm until they could make some arrangements but they would have nothing of it I guess they thought it was an insult or something Such stubborn folk Can't reason with them In any event we went down for the funeral It was the least we could do and then got out of there just as quickly We just waited a day or so until my daughter could gather all her belongings and we sent a truck down for the rest My solicitors will take care of everything else The house was owned by the family so there was nothing left to do Besides my daughter didn't want anything she wanted to leave and as she said "never see that place again" I don't think the children were of any differing opinion although the boy had some regrets but he forgot all about it after we sent him to boarding school You know how kids are It's the moment with them And these two are young enough so that it won't make a deep impression on them I can Tell you one thing I'm glad it's all over I'm glad that finally things can get back to normal * THE TENTH DAY If because you are too attached not prepared for these events and you still flee from them in terror and in awe the blood-drinkers of the invincible diamond will appear to you in their Yellow brilliance sporting three faces six hands and four feet all firmly anchored in the steadfastness of earth The right face will be white and the left one red and the middle face deep dark yellow And they will be encircled by a brilliant volatile halo of fire The first of six hands holding a glowing gem the one in the middle clutching a trident and the last a trident The first of the left hand holding a cast-iron bell the middle a bowl carved from a human skull last one a three pronged staff Each will be embraced by the great mother her right hand clinging to each one's neck and her left hand offering red cup for each one's lips to drink They will radiate from south quarter of your brain and shine on you as the sun upon the earth Do not be afraid Let no terror eat your heart And don't be awed by their magnificence They are your own created entities In truth they are the Father-mother Believe in them To recognize them as such will gain immediate deliverance Proclaim them Merge with their superior substances and they will merge with you within the shadow of eternity *** CHORUS - the Mother of the Wife I told her from the first that it was a mistake but would she listen no she had her own ideas What a waste of her youth when she could have married into some of the finest families and had made for herself a real life and where's she now picking up the pieces I told her from the first that I didn't like him that I thought he was unstable and was never going to make her happy But what does a mother know It was a terrible day that day we found out that she had eloped ran off without a word not even a note to say goodbye I can tell you I didn't have an easy time of it and her father well what can I say I had to hold him back because he was so angry I think he would have killed her had he got his hands on her before I calmed him down When she finally did call to say that she was alright we begged her to come home and that we would forgive her and that we could arrange for an annulment and that is when she told us about the child and we were crushed to think that our family bloodline would be diluted with the blood of peasants That was almost too much to take My husband threatened to disown her if she didn't return immediately but I guess she had other plans and told us all to go to hell It wasn't until the child was born that again we heard from her I guess by that time we had given up all hope of ever having a reconciliation but she said she wanted to visit us and be part of the family again But she still wouldn't see reason and I guess we had to make the sacrifice and we let her come for a visit with the child and that no good husband of hers he dressed just like a farmer not even bothering to wear a tie It was such an embarrassment even the servants were upset and thought this would harm their reputation I must admit I felt like asking him to go around the back and enter by the delivery entrance He was just such an embarrassment I never understood what my daughter could possibly see in a man like that Well as bad as that first time was As we got to know him I guess he wasn't all that bad a character He meant well and besides the next time that they came he wore a tie I suppose he didn't want to embarrass her and that at least made an impression on my husband What we did find strange was that the child did not look like him at all He was dark and with a ruddy farmer's complexion whereas the child was fair and blond and delicate Their second child though was very much like him and exhibited the same kind of qualities while growing up but I must say that both seem to be taking things in stride and once away from the farm they were more the way they should have been raised in the first place As time passed I guess we began accepting the situation more since it wasn't going to get resolve in a favorable manner at least not to our liking but I could tell there was some dissension creeping in I know my daughter and could see the disenchantment in her eyes when things year after year stayed the same My husband offered them some money but her husband refused because he was one of those 'proud' animals and wouldn't accept help from anyone I suppose it's fine to a point but when you are in need you shouldn't be too proud to accept help from your own family At least he should have been adapt enough to think of his wife's happiness I think he was a bit snobbish although I don't for the life of me know why a farmer should be snobbish and of what It's beyond me Oh well When the news came of his death and that my daughter would be returning home where she belongs I can't say that I was overwhelmed by sadness and my daughter didn't seem to mourn for very long and so she shouldn't after all she's a very beautiful woman and there's still time for her to remarry This time I'm sure she'll get the life that she deserves Still I worry about the children My grand daughter seems to be adjusting well but the grandson he's a different sort There's a lot of strangeness in his eyes At times I wonder what he's thinking because I know he's not quite honest with his feelings toward us Oh he pretends but I know there's something wrong I told my daughter You've got to watch him carefully Oh dear it's already so late You must excuse me I've got a dinner engagement and must get ready You understand don't you * THE ELEVENTH DAY On this day The Blood drinkers of the Lotus will make their appearance Their colour will be red-black and they will have three faces and six hands and four feet firmly rooted in the red earth Each of them will have a white right face and left blue face and a middle face dark red The first of the right of six hands will hold a lotus and the middle one a trident staff and the last hand will clutch a wooden club The first the left hand holds a bell the middle one a bowl carved from a skull filled with a red liquid in the last a small drum is held Each body embraced will be embraced by the great mother her right hand clinging to each being's neck and her left hand offering the mouth a red sea shell Truth be told it is really the father/mother united issuing from the west part of your brain Do not fear them Do not be awed by them Do not be terrified by their terrifying properties but rather rejoice in what they have come for what they present to you what you can learn from them They are after all produced by your own intelligence Do not be afraid They are the father/mother Believe in them With recognition comes liberation They will merge with you and you will merge with them They are the appearance of the all-together *** CHORUS - Friends Friends I They used to give quite a few parties but I think it was the wife and not him who planned those If it were up to him I think he's rather have been alone He didn't mix well But she was always the life of the party and none of the men minded going mainly I guess because she was such a beauty She had ambition that one she wanted him to be a financier or something of that order but he wouldn't have been able to handle it he was just a simple farmer I think that's what drove him to it mark my word He liked the open field and she liked parties they had nothing in common Can't for the life of me see what attracted them in the first place Friends II He didn't have any real close friends I guess if he had anyone I was the closest We used to help each other out in the fields and we used to drink together though he didn't indulge like other people Guess he knew his limit That's one think I always liked about him he knew his limit In drink as in everything else for that matter He seems so centred Knowing exactly what to do in every situation He never panicked and he always did the right thing It was almost uncanny And he never took thanking well You couldn't thank him for anything He would just say No need we all have to perform our duty I remember one day when he and the priest got involved in a discussion about spiritual matters I know they didn't see eye to eye but somehow they still respected each other The priest would quote long passages from scripture and he would just refute them one by one and point either to the ground of the sky or the fields or the heart and say that is where the true spirit resides not in there (pointing to the bible) The priest of course couldn't refute it but had also to uphold the word of God But it never came to a shouting match They would have a glass of wine together and look at each other with a knowing eye My wife thought he was somehow 'evil' that he was somehow involved in magic or devil worship which was so absurd I didn't even want to discuss it I told he that I had known him since childhood and that he was just different and that she shouldn't go around spreading unfounded rumors But I know she wasn't the only one with views like that some even wanted the whole family out of town The women especially didn't like his wife and thought she was stand offish and snotty and thought she was too high class to mix with the common folk which I must say I couldn't disagree with But I also think that a lot of it had to do with how beautiful she was and they were jealous I know that when we were younger a lot of the girls had a crush on him but he never went out very much with the local girls and they took offense to that especially when he came home with her They really were offended I never saw any indication that he was strange or even a bit 'retarded' as some men cruelly said I think that rumor got around because he never did to well in school and that he hardly spoke to anyone but he spoke to me and I tell you there was nothing 'retarded' about that one his intelligence was as sharp as a knife You should have seen the special room he had set apart in his house as a library There were hundreds upon hundreds of books and books not just in one but many languages books about religion philosophy and art he once loaned me a book about the Cathars but I am not a fast reader and couldn't understand some of the references I took the book to the priest and he grew angry at me having it in my possession and he made me count the rosary That's when my wife started in about the evil and the devil worship But I still think he was only curious and as I told them there can't be any harm in that But the priest kept telling me it was a dangerous thing to be curious about things that don't concern one and that a christian should only be concerned with the word of our Lord and that anyone who thinks that is not enough and has to be curious about other words is gravely mistaken I repeated this to him one sunday afternoon in the tavern and he just laughed that knowing laugh which seemed to somehow reassure one that he was right and all the others were mistaken Yes I said but how do you know How do I know I feel it That's how I know I feel it here In my heart in my body in my mind Look around you he said it's everywhere it's in the fields and in the sky the trees the animals the people it's in the smoke that rises from the chimneys and the ice that covers the ponds in winter it's in the crops and the sunrise the sunset it's in every birth and every death It's in every word we speak every song a sparrow sings every laughter every tear every moment that we breathe and every moment that we don't It's here and now and its right now also in the past and in the future It permeates everything every cell in every body and every cell in every plant and every pore in every rock and every grain of sand You can't escape it You are part of it Why does the part have to worship the whole when the part is a constituent of the whole and the whole can't be without it It's an all-togetherness one does not exist without the other one exists within It's nothing you can learn from books books might only alert you to it or even keep you from the realization of it but it's something you have you have to find for yourself But the priest said The priest what does the priest know let the priest to his rites and let you to yours each of you has a purpose he his you yours I mine surely we can all live together without coming to blows and arguments as far as I am concerned there is but one philosophy one religion one truth the reason we can't agree is that we have been so long dispersed that we have all these divergent ways of looking for that truth and we haven't come together yet but that will come we are on the verge of a new togetherness a new era where we will truly find ourselves and live in peace I think he was a true visionary and as the New Testament tells us visionaries are never welcome in their own village Neighbors I A strange class of people Mixing and not mixing I don't think they really knew what they wanted Oh they were quiet enough and I don't think they fought much or if they did they kept it quiet The kids were pretty normal But the boy kept to himself a lot and sometimes that got him picked on but otherwise nothing special We're all hard working people and most of us mind our own business That's what they did and that we did She used to help out at bake sales and such but never really socialized much with us Her friends were all from out of town and the few times they had townsfolk over was mostly on the holidays like Christmas and Easter and obviously at the harvest festival Everyone goes there He was a very quiet but very hardworking chap and very mindful of others If anyone needed a helping hand he would be one of the first there Especially in the fields And I guess because of that we were there when they needed any kind of help Things were hard this year with very poor crops and we all banded together to get through it His crop was not better or worse than others so there was no reason for him to be depressed of anything like that It was just the way it was We all had bad years before and know this life is up and down Can't do much about it Most of the neighbors accepted them just like any others living in the village They weren't rich and they weren't poor I think they were just like anyone else Anyone who thinks their private life was anyone else's business is out of leagues with me We all have our domestic problems and we all solve them on our own I suppose they had their own share of marital difficulties for after all we're all human One woman tried to start and ugly rumor that he was somehow in league with the devil because he read all these strange books in languages that no one else could read but we let her know pretty well what we though of that Even the priest was fond of him although he would never admit it to any of his parishioners after all he has a standard to uphold (or so he thinks) but he's a good priest (as priest's go) and he keeps his bible in his pocket That's the way it should be done Yes it was a terrible tragedy when he drove off that cliff There was a lot of mumbling that his wife drove him to it but I say that there was no reason to suspect any of the kind as I said I think that they were a family just like any other but somehow the mumbling wouldn't go away and soon after the funeral she took her children to the city I think that was probably the best thing she could have done under the circumstances Just to give them a brake A change will always do one good especially when things as tragic as this occur I know that their farm is in trouble now and that his father can no longer do it all alone That's why I propose that we form some kind of committee and see what assistance we can bring They helped us when we were in need it's time now that we showed what this community is made of when we stand together Tragedy can happen to all of us and when that day will come it will come fast and unexpected I will guarantee and we must be prepared The most important thing at this time is to get the harvest in as lean as this year is there is nothing else that we can turn to A man must provide for his family That's the first thing Creditors and politicians can come last Whether now or then they'll get their due * THE TWELFTH DAY If you still cannot merge with the greater entities because of your awe and fear and because you a overwhelmed by their appearances then on the twelfth day the dark-green blood drinkers will shine upon your being With three faces and six hands and four firmly rooted feet The right face being white and the left face red the middle face dark green with a majestic appearance unmatched anywhere in the heavens of the earths Grasping in the first right hand a stainless steel sword and in the middle hand a trident-staff and in the last a heavy wooden club And holding in the first left hand a great brass bell and in the middle one a bowl of human skull and in the last a plough share to dig the earth his body embraced by the great mother her right hand clinging to his neck and the left offering red shell to his mouth It is the father/mother united emanating in unison from the north quarter of your brain and they will shine as one upon your path to guide you to the fullness of the merging with the all Do not fear them Be not terrified Don't be awed They are the embodiment of your own intelligence There is no reason to be afraid They are really the great father/mother believe in them be humble be fond of their qualities recognize them for what they are and you will be instantly absolved of any past endeavors you have failed through such knowledge you will merge with and attain the desired one-ness in the process of the all --- Through these selected teachings you will be able to recognize them as emerging from your own intelligence for instance as one who knows a lion's skin to be a lion's skin and not a real lion it is not overcome by fear yet if it is a stuffed lion and one does not know that it is not a real lion then one will fear it but being told the truth fear will conquer fear likewise the blood drinkers with thick limbs and as huge as the vault of the firmament will inspire awe and terror but as soon as these teaching are heard one recognizes that these images come from one's own mind then when the Clear-Light Mother and the secondary clear-light and the off-spring clear light is perceived they will blend with an intimate togetherness and you will no longer be alone and separate but will merge with the great ALL *** CHORUS - Tavern Keeper He used to come in here for an hour or so late at night and settle in the corner over there by the fire and drink his wine alone and with a book intently reading smoking his pipe I'm sure he came after his wife and children were asleep and didn't know that he was here He never mingled and no one dared disturb him even though most were curious about what he was reading Mostly books in a strange foreign language from what I could tell One day when he went to relieve himself he left one of his books on the table and I went over to see what was and the title read 'Tibetan Book of the Dead' or some such thing I'm sure that it had the word dead in it and when I told my wife later that night she started in with things about the devil and black magic and such Mostly rubbish (You can tell when she was talking to the priest) But even I found it strange that someone would be reading a book about the dead I mean a young man such as he was and then later when it happened what's one to make of it all I spoke to him about it the next day and he explained that it was about the 'intermediate stage between dying and living' isn't that a strange concept between dying and living rather than between living and dying My waitress said that she thought it was a strange thing to read such a book and that she felt awkward when she had to serve him So I served him myself He explained to me that over in Tibet dying was considered an extension to life and that there was a bridge which connected death to life and that each of our 'essences' (he stressed that word) was reborn into another body after we had died and our mind entered an intermediate state to prepare us for a new life He explained that That there were six realms of existence and these six were the realms of the gods, the demigods, humans, animals, hungry ghosts and the realm of the hells and that each of these realms were the direct result of either pride, jealousy, desire, ignorance, greed and anger and that all of these realms emanated from our own mind and that when we are reborn we are reborn into one of these conditions for instance when we are reborn into the realm of the gods we are in actuality reborn here in this world as a person but with one the traits of the gods so that we might be born as a rich man who has everything catered to him but lives in so much luxury that he is blinded to the true reality and so it is with the other states as well each state corresponding to a state of being He explained to me that over in Tibet dying was considered an extension to life and that there was a bridge which connected death to life and that each of our 'essences' (he stressed that word) was reborn into another body after we had died and our mind entered an intermediate state to prepare us for a new life He explained that That there were six realms of existence and these six were the realms of the gods, the demigods, humans, animals, hungry ghosts and the realm of the hells and that each of these realms were the direct result of either pride, jealousy, desire, ignorance, greed and anger and that all of these realms emanated from our own mind and that when we are reborn we are reborn into one of these conditions for instance when we are reborn into the realm of the gods we are in actuality reborn here in this world as a person but with one the traits of the gods so that we might be born as a rich man who has everything catered to him but lives in so much luxury that he is blinded to the true reality and so it is with the other states as well each state corresponding to a state of being here this life here this life At first I was skeptical about what he was telling me but as I listened I got the feeling that he really believe the things that he was telling me about And I must confess that I began to look forward to our late evening discussions although I found some of what he said quite peculiar and pretty hard to believe myself But it's not my business what another man believes I guess he didn't have his wife to talk to Not about this subject anyway In one respect I can sympathize a wife would have a hard time with a man like that Always distant Always with his face buried in a book and his head filled with strange foreign ideas But as long as he provides properly for his family it's probably just a harmless diversion not like some I know who come in here and drink themselves out of their existence * THE THIRTEENTH DAY If you still cannot action the desired end then on the thirteenth day the eight malevolent entities the Kerimas the Htamenmas all of them with the heads of animals which embrace their qualities will issue from your own resolve on the thirteenth day the eight Kerimas will shine on you from the east quarter of your brain Do not fear them This is how to recognize them The white Kerimas will hold a human corpse in the right hand and skull-carved bowl filled with hot steaming blood in the left Do not fear them Do not run from them Their shades are terrifying Yet they have much to teach The yellow cemetery guardian will appear in the south holding a bow and arrow and in the west the Red Pramaha holding a water-lion banner flapping in the wind will appear to you and in the north the Black Patoli holding thunderbolt and a blood-filled bowl of human skull will argue with you intellect in from the south-east the Red Punkase holding bloodied intestines in his right hand and with her left hand and stuffing them into her mouth and in the south-west you will see the Dark green Gsasmari her left hand in possession of a blood-filled skull shaped bowl and in her right hand stirring the contents with a thunderbolt drinking it with relish and in the north-west the yellow-white Tsandhali tearing asunder the dismembered head of a corpse holding the heart in her right hand and stuffing the corpse into her gaping mouth with her left and in the north-east the dark blue Smasha appears to you tearing apart a the disembodied head of a corpse and munching it as a between meal snack these eight Karimas of the eight directions will shine brightly on you surrounded by the five supreme conjunctive blood-drinking fathers Do not be afraid of them they are elements that emanate from your inner self they show you things that you have hidden Let these be revealed to you let these be made conscious From outer portion of this great wide circle the eight Htamenmas of the eight portions of the brain will shine their lights on you with an unmatched brilliance that will startle do not hide from it In the east the Dark-brown Lion hands crossed before his heaving chest and with clamping jaws he holds a corpse in his foaming mouth shaking his mane proudly In the south you will see the fierce and glowing-eyed of the Red Tiger his hands crossed in repose grinning with his glistening ivory snow white fangs and his prominent protruding eyes In the west the black fox-head will parade proudly his right hand in possession of a razor and his left hand holding the intestines of a corpse licking and relishing the blood And in the north the Dark-blue Wolf his two hand busy tearing through an open corpse his two protruding yes bursting with the desperate hunger of a starving beast and in the south-east the Yellow-white Vulture will appear proud and powerful carrying a huge corpse on his mighty shoulders and holding a ragged skeleton in his claw-like hands And in the south-west see the Dark-red cemetery bird carry a giant corpse upon his shoulder And in the north-west the Black crow in his left hand holding a skull-carved bowl and a sword in his right eating the heart and lungs of what was once a human being In the north-east then the dark-blue owl holds within its right hand a thunderbolt and a skull-bowl in its left eating the remains These eight Htamenmas who encircle the blood-drinking fathers have evolved from your own brain Know this Do not fear them they are founded in your own intelligence *** CHORUS - Priest This is a small parish Consisting mostly of farmers A few shopkeepers one tavern I guess to say your average small closely knit forming community All in all most folks lead a simple pious life hard work and even though you don't see the men much in church their women attend regularly There isn't much trouble except perhaps a few riotous boys boisterous on a saturday night when they return from the city but all in all it's no different from a hundred other quiet little hamlets that dot the area The case of the supposed suicide is a strange one although there is no outright evidence of it somehow the rumor was begun and spread throughout the community until everyone thinks it so A very sad predicament I saw no reason to not give a proper funeral after all he was a fine young man even though he did have one or two minor peculiarities in his thoughts about religion but that's really not surprising in this community the men all seem to be their own judge of what they believe is right or wrong and most of them really don't trust me There is still a hint of the heretic belief in them which is something that's been here for a thousand year and I don't think will ever be truly eradicated These men are wolves and to bring them into the fold would be to have to tame them first a task that's been beyond me and may the great God forgive me something I've all but given up But this one was even more than all the others different He seemed to long for spiritual development and when he grew up he had had many questions to ask of me about the Gospel and the word I even entertained thoughts about him becoming a priest so much so I recommended him to the bishop but instead he married rather abruptly and that would be the end of it But still through the years we had many conversations about spiritual matters and he was always so inquisitive as to read books on comparative religions and one by one rejected them as being not the one that would lead him "to the truth" I once asked him what he though the "truth" was and he answered that the "truth" was "as false a reality as reality itself" It didn't make any sense then and I still don't understand what he was getting at But I never forgot the phrase and think about it often Toward the end he was reading many books on Buddhism and would cloud his mind with many superstitions and strange ideas about reincarnation and unsavory things like that I told him that it would be better if he studied scripture and made his peace with God than chasing down all these false avenues He just looked at me an smiled as if he were someone who knew what he was talking about I still think it was a waste that he never entered the priesthood there's no telling how high he might have risen His wife contrary to the other women in the parish did not attend church and did not much involve herself in the community duties the others did I think she was more inclined to city living than small town life She was always dressed in the latest fashions and I as many did wondered how they could afford to after all the farm did not bring in much income and they had barely enough money to pay the rent on the house But never once did they ask for help either from the other parishioners or from their own relatives I think it was a source of pride or maybe they were just too ashamed to admit that they needed assistance In any event I guess they did get by But one thing I must say is that he never shrank from his duty as a family man and he was always there to help others when they required it In that way he was a man of integrity and I commended him for that I was sorry to see that she seemed to have so little sympathy for his death I did not observe any tears in her eyes and she seemed at all time fully in control of herself in fact it almost seemed to me (may God forgive me) as if she took this as another social affair where she could entertain her friend I even observed her laughing on occasion with a group of men It certainly was not becoming behavior for a woman at the funeral of her husband After that she wasted no time leaving the parish staying only long enough to take care of legal things I prayed several visits to her on that occasion and I found her quite cold and distant toward me It was as if she had never lived her but was only visiting on behalf of someone who had just lost her husband and not a widow She was a completely different person than the one I knew when her husband was still alive It's difficult for me to understand such abrupt changes in people But I've seen it before Especially in people who do not want to accept the consequences of what has happened Perhaps she will one day realize that dying is a part we all have to accept and deal with separately and that each of us is not so different from the other after all Such petty things that bother us in this life how can we ever find peace in the other Let us hope he has * THE FOURTEENTH DAY So on the fourteenth day the female keepers of the gate will also issue from the quagmire of your brain Be able and willing to recognize them from the east quarter of your brain the White Tiger killing a goat and holding in her left hand a relic bowl of skull bone will appear to you covered with the fumes of red hot blood and from the south quarter of your brain there will appear the yellow pig-nosed emanation twirling through her fingers the ragged burlap noose of slow decaying death she will represent remorse and worst of all it's your remorse at knowing what you had before you came to this In the west there will be seen the true lion entity holding and iron throne from which to dispense judgment and the mighty wisdom you should heed and in the north the green serpent entity will appear holding a great bell and the bell tolls for you as well as gathering the senses into one clear light this bell will have a perfect low pitched rumbling sound and you will notice how it soothes a tired beast these are the four female gate-keeper entities who will manifest themselves from hidden patterns in your brain the twenty eight diverse headed entities the Herukas will form the outer circle encircling the thirty malevolent entities and all will shine with a bright magnificent light down upon with a flaming passion you cannot resist Do not be afraid They are the projections of your own thoughts Then there will arrive from the east a dark-brown yak-headed entity clutching a thunderbolt and a skull and a reddish-yellow serpent entity holding forth a lotus flower and a green-black leopard entity holding forth a trident and a blue inquisitive monkey entity spinning a great wheel this is the Mandela of your life Heed it well and a red snow-bear virgin entity holding a short spear and a white bear entity holding a noose twined from human intestines these six entities will emanate from the east quarter of your brain do not be afraid from the south the yellow bat-headed entity of delightful favours stands before you holding a knife to shave you with and the red peace loving makara entity will manifest herself holding an great urn and the red scorpion entity kneels before you with a lotus and the white kite moon entity will hold a bolt of lightning and the dark-green fox entity brandishes a club and the yellow-black tiger entity practitioner holding skull-bowl filled with steaming blood these six stout practitioners from the south will radiate from your own brain and as they cover you in their radiance let their light flood into you permeate each cell and do into be afraid there is no harm but good that it can do and from the west the green-black vulture headed consumer entity will cry a terrifying cry and clutch a baton in her claw-like emancipated hands the red horse-headed delight entity holding an enormous corpse's trunk and the white eagle power entity holding a club and the yellow dog practitioner holding a lightning bolt in one hand and cutting something else with a razor and the red hoopood desire entity holding a bow and arrow aimed at your heart and also the green wealth stag entity holding an urn these six practitioners from the west emanate from your own inner mind and will shine brightly on your future do not fear them from the north the blue wolf wind entity will wave a pennant and the red ibex woman entity will hold a pointed stake and the black sow sow goddess will hold a noose of fangs and the red crow thunder entity an infant corpse and the great elephant entity holds the hand of a huge corpse drinking its blood from a skull and the blue serpent water entity holds a serpent-noose these six practitioners from the north will come and shine on you having radiated from your own inner mind Do not be afraid of their resplendent show of force the four practitioners of the door will also come forth from the depths of your brain and shine brightly down on you from the east the black mystic cuckoo entity holding an iron hook will taunt you while from the south the yellow mystic goat entity will appear waving a noose in front of you as a divine warning from the west the red mystic lion entity will come rattling iron chains symbol of your slavery to corporeal things and from the north the green-black mystic serpent entity will shine a terrifying brightness which envelops all the others these four practitioners all emanate from your inner self and they will shed their effulgence on you with a purpose since these twenty-eight mighty entities project through the great PS the six Heruka will recognize them all o wanderer these peaceful deities radiate from the realm of the ever void know them and the malevolent entities emerge from the radiance recognize them also and now as the fifty-eight blood-drinkers emerge from your brain know them to be the radiance of your own intelligence and you will merge at once into a one-ness with the blood drinkers and gain the highest presence of the all If even at this point you cannot recognize the significant of all these entities and at this point flee from what the offer then you will wander forever in the realm of the ever-return and there will not for you this time be rest The largest of the peaceful entities and the greatest of the malevolent entities are equally as vast and omnipotent as the limits of the heavens Yeah! As big as Great Mt Meru The smallest are equal to the eighteen bodies like your own heaped on top of one another Be not terrified of that - do not be awed If you realize these shapes and radiances as your own then you will attain the moment of the never-ever return and you will merge with the all-encompassing Know that there is no terror in your heart that you cannot surpass If you do not realize the visions that appeared to you then all the malevolent entities merge as one great wrathful entity and show themselves to you as you have never been shown the fear that stalks your mind before and you will be condemned to wander ever and a day in the great return If you still do not recognize the shape of all these things as evolving from your own mind then the great entity of death will shine as a brilliant shining with the largest body and the greatest body equal to the heavens and the middle bodies as great as great Mt Meru and the smallest bodies eighteen times the size of yours And they will fill all of the systems of the world order with their upper teeth biting the lower lip and their glassy eyes and their hair knotted on the top of their heads and their pot bellies and their narrow waists holding a black-board to record your record and your punishment shouting "Strike!" "Kill!" and licking a human brain and drinking hot red human blood and tearing at the heads of corpses tearing beating hearts from living bodies that is how they'll come to fill the worlds Again I beseech you O wanderer! do not be afraid of what is spawned out of your own imagination these entities are not constructed of matter emptiness cannot harm emptiness You need not fear For other than within your own imagination these entities cannot exist Knowing this your terror should be dissipated you should be able to see things as they really are beyond the vast illusion of your life Realizing this Recount this supplication: "I am wandering through the Tunnel Rescue me! Hold me up! I am wandering through the tunnel do not forsake me!" To the blood -drinkers offer this: "When I am wandering through the ever-return Overpower these illusions! May the benevolent ones and the malevolent ones also lead me on the path of attainment! On the path of light May I abandon fear, awe and fright! May the malevolent entity save me from the fearful darkness of this tunnel and guide me to the place of the perfectly-enlightened! When wandering alone separated from friends when one's own thoughts project frightening images May I overcome the fear and awe and terror! May the five bright lights of wisdom lead me on to recognition! May the fearful and the wrathful bodies obtain for me assurance and faith! May the guardians dissipate my misery! May the sound of reality convert to the sound of the six clear syllables! May compassion protect me! May the five elements not rise against me! May I behold the five orders of the fully enlightened!" Be earnest and repeat this supplication seven times The one who does these things and overcomes adversity will be fortunate: The one who remains frightened like a stag chased by a phantom dog will forever run through the cycle of recurrent events You have heard What do you have to say? CHORUS - The Wanderer * CONCLUSION The traveler the "journey-man" listened His fear was like a jungle downpour on his brow His eyes darted darted gazelle-like over unknown and danger-wrought territory What do you want from me? What have I done? Alive? And I still alive? What is this place? Dead? Am I dead? Is this reality or just a dream? What type of dream? What are these voices that at once soothe and terrorize? that at once instruct and confuse? that at once comfort and obscure? I am so unsure of where I am what I'm doing even what or who I used to be Is there nothing I can understand? How have I come here? Perhaps someone brought me here? I don't remember - Everything is blurred It's so alien A cave? Is this a cavern? There's an echo here - Or is it other voices? Did I see demons or did I see angels? Did they beacon me? Did they scurry me away from what I should have done? But what should I have done? What should I do? What is the right thing? Do I know the right thing? Do I even know what's right? There have been so many voices! So many differing images! They have confused my mind and my eyes that they are still numb from gathering the possibility of what they meant I have been so dazzled by their radiance So taunted by their comfort so set aback by their ability to question what my motive is! I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! I must make a decision It is time Time to unravel the moment Time to swing the pendulum one way or the other It's a tide rumbling fast toward me I can hear the thunder of the ocean I can smell the salt heavy-heaving like a great pressure on me A great burden on my shoulders And that I should leave this burden now behind me That I should feel the comforter the bright radiance exploding is the night But I also have a great anxiety Is there a danger in the wind But there is danger in the swell The wind just brings the premonition The wind is the messenger The advance column It nudges It taunts It urges you to action And the voices What are the voices? The oracle The oracle that sets the wind toward the soul Why am I afraid? Let me catch my breath Let me confront The past and future and the present with a stamina I have not known before Let me climb slowly solemnly intently out of here out of this dark pit out of what this tunnel has become to me And with the vision the voices clear and solemn the voices of warning and the voices of despair of loss yet also the voices of intent and the voices of our hopes and dreams and feelings and desires - The voices of Solicitude! I will have to make a clear decision But what decision will I make? What decision can I make? What decision should I make? And will I have the courage to make it? That is what confronts me now and all the shadows cannot help me I am cold I am hungry I am so afraid! I remember these voices there was some kind of light a piercing light which was too bright for me to look at a white light blue light a yellow light and a red light there was such illumination that the senses were enveloped in a hazy gauze but there was something about them something about the voices which somehow seemed as if to soothe me they told me what to do if only I could remember yes and there were also soothing lights dull warm glowing lights which seemed to beckon me like safe and warm mother's arms I was greatly attracted toward them but something held me back i wish i could remember what it was there was something i was to do or say something about the ever-return or the ever-salvation in the great all it's hard to concentrate ... There in the distance a light shines I must go to it I must reach the other end of what is there I know it is of the utmost importance I must renew myself I must let go of the past There is little here that consoles me these memories are memories of another time of another life had I ever been that person that personality no longer can exist the circumstances are completely different * Take a step (pause) insecure afraid careless Take another step (pause) fear desire unknown C'mon, take another one ok, ok, ok, I did it the corridor is dark what's out there I can't see a thing is anyone here is anyone, out there THE BEGINNING