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An Interesting Story About a Fascinating Life

by Barry Webster

Praise God for His unspeakable gift. Praise God for the Godly-gods of the godness and the baptism of the lambkin in the Holy Sepulchral. Praise the Lard and the lard of the Holy speech-nessum and after praising, worship; yea, worship on the bare knee with the wholly hole-filled wafer-communion-snacklet shoved up the nostril of the Holy God-filled speech-blossom. Praise Him. Praise Him and Her and the Speech-blossom of the It of the Itness and the breakness of the Knee-wear-blossom-itsum.

As we read in wholly scripture (Jeremiah, verse 15, line 2001): "And Jesus spoke to the multitude of the fullness of the sandwich of the holy-wafer-communion-Itness and said, ‘Take and eat. Take and enjoy the corned-beef. The pickle, the relish, the mayonnaise buttered in the sandwich of the Lardness. For corned-beef is the Father, and the Son is the Lambkin-Kneeness, and stuck between the jaws of the Holy Spirit is the speeched knee-mustard dripping with the corning-beef greaseness of the It-blossom-nostril." And so I say Praise Him. Praise him for the Holy speeched It-blossom suckled beneath the tongue-sepulchral.

And in the New Middle Testament of the Devised Standard Sing Fames Version of the wholly scripture we read (Revelationes 5&7/s+, line 8*%@1): "And lo, though I walk through the valley of the ham sandwich, I shall not eat, and I shall not rest, and I shall not have a bowel movement, for a suckled Lambkin with a mighty nostril will cry out, ‘BE GONE, BE GOOD, GO FORTH!—For the ham of hammed sandwich shall be the ham of the hammy ham-hams. And ham shall ham before the ham-hams have hammed.’ And Hamm spoke." So Halleleu! Let us praise Its Name and yea, let us come together and join our bands in worshipful Itness of the Itful-blossom for the Father-Lardness.

For the gifts shall be distributed and the distributed shall be the gifted. And Mary said it on the death of the sepulchral It-Head. And then Mary Sanders wept. She wept for the It-blossom, she wept for the rich golden ham of the sandwichful, and when she retrieved the bucket, she wept for the death of the Colonel and cried, "This chicken-leg ham sandwich has done me more good than a carton of Cuban cigarettes."

And so tonight at 7:15 pm, all are re-invited to a meetingful at 1015 Bishop avenue. There the gifts of the Holy It-blossom spiritual shall be distributed to believerfuls. The gifts are as following:

(i) Ability to speak with sponges.

(ii) Gift to prophesy and interpret the prophesies of the Ham-blossom sandwich, crusted or crustful.

(iii) A desire to peel the wounded and trumpfert the sick.

(iv) See God’s Wholly Face shorn of dripping chicken-leg.

(v) Taste the snacklet-wafer of Mary’s apparition-bucket (rotating or not).

The Lard shall desire you and the Itness of the speech-blossom sponges shall cry your name 6,000 times.

COME ALL THOSE WHO ARE HEAVY-BEMOTTLED AND I WILL GIVE YOU ZESTY MUSTARDED ON RYE, AND THE MOTHER-ASSHOLINGERS WHO DEPEEL SHALL BE IT-BLOSSOMED INTO A SECLUDED SEPULCHRE OF WAFER-MITTS AND KNEE-BROKEN BEFORE THE DRIP-CUBAN-CARTONED FARCE OF THE LARD!

(En inverse les instructions en français.)

 

Barry Webster has published fiction and non-fiction in a wide variety of publications including The Washington Post, The Globe and Mail, Event, Fiddlehead, Matrix, and Prairie Fire. His work has been shortlisted for the National Magazine Award and the CBC Quebec prize. He has just completed his first novel.

 

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The Danforth Review is produced in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. All content is copyright of the person who created it and cannot be copied, printed, or downloaded without the consent of that person. See the masthead on the submissions page for editorial information. All views expressed are those of the writer only. International submissions are encouraged. The Danforth Review is archived in the Library and Archives Canada. ISSN 1494-6114. 

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