by Barry Webster
Praise God for His unspeakable gift. Praise God
for the Godly-gods of the godness and the baptism of the lambkin in the
Holy Sepulchral. Praise the Lard and the lard of the Holy speech-nessum
and after praising, worship; yea, worship on the bare knee with the
wholly hole-filled wafer-communion-snacklet shoved up the nostril of the
Holy God-filled speech-blossom. Praise Him. Praise Him and Her and the
Speech-blossom of the It of the Itness and the breakness of the
Knee-wear-blossom-itsum.
As we read in wholly scripture (Jeremiah, verse
15, line 2001): "And Jesus spoke to the multitude of the fullness
of the sandwich of the holy-wafer-communion-Itness and said, ‘Take and
eat. Take and enjoy the corned-beef. The pickle, the relish, the
mayonnaise buttered in the sandwich of the Lardness. For corned-beef is
the Father, and the Son is the Lambkin-Kneeness, and stuck between the
jaws of the Holy Spirit is the speeched knee-mustard dripping with the
corning-beef greaseness of the It-blossom-nostril." And so I say
Praise Him. Praise him for the Holy speeched It-blossom suckled beneath
the tongue-sepulchral.
And in the New Middle Testament of the Devised
Standard Sing Fames Version of the wholly scripture we read (Revelationes
5&7/s+, line 8*%@1): "And lo, though I walk through the valley
of the ham sandwich, I shall not eat, and I shall not rest, and I shall
not have a bowel movement, for a suckled Lambkin with a mighty nostril
will cry out, ‘BE GONE, BE GOOD, GO FORTH!—For the ham of hammed
sandwich shall be the ham of the hammy ham-hams. And ham shall ham
before the ham-hams have hammed.’ And Hamm spoke." So Halleleu!
Let us praise Its Name and yea, let us come together and join our bands
in worshipful Itness of the Itful-blossom for the Father-Lardness.
For the gifts shall be distributed and the
distributed shall be the gifted. And Mary said it on the death of the
sepulchral It-Head. And then Mary Sanders wept. She wept for the
It-blossom, she wept for the rich golden ham of the sandwichful, and
when she retrieved the bucket, she wept for the death of the Colonel and
cried, "This chicken-leg ham sandwich has done me more good than a
carton of Cuban cigarettes."
And so tonight at 7:15 pm, all are re-invited to
a meetingful at 1015 Bishop avenue. There the gifts of the Holy
It-blossom spiritual shall be distributed to believerfuls. The gifts are
as following:
(i) Ability to speak with sponges.
(ii) Gift to prophesy and interpret the
prophesies of the Ham-blossom sandwich, crusted or crustful.
(iii) A desire to peel the wounded and trumpfert
the sick.
(iv) See God’s Wholly Face shorn of dripping
chicken-leg.
(v) Taste the snacklet-wafer of Mary’s
apparition-bucket (rotating or not).
The Lard shall desire you and the Itness of the
speech-blossom sponges shall cry
your
name 6,000 times.
COME ALL THOSE WHO ARE HEAVY-BEMOTTLED AND I
WILL GIVE YOU ZESTY MUSTARDED ON RYE, AND THE MOTHER-ASSHOLINGERS WHO
DEPEEL SHALL BE IT-BLOSSOMED INTO A SECLUDED SEPULCHRE OF WAFER-MITTS
AND KNEE-BROKEN BEFORE THE DRIP-CUBAN-CARTONED FARCE OF THE LARD!
(En inverse les instructions en français.)
Barry Webster has published fiction and non-fiction in a wide variety of
publications including The Washington Post, The Globe and
Mail, Event, Fiddlehead, Matrix, and Prairie
Fire. His work has been shortlisted for the National Magazine Award and the CBC Quebec prize. He has just completed his
first novel.
