We are fortunate to have the participation in this forum of Dr. Ignacious Bean, Assistant Professor of Gyropshchopathetics at Memorial University. Dr. Bean has agreed, at our editor's gentle insistance, to bring the full light of his knowledge and worldly experience to bear on whatever dark problems may be troubling you. Dr. Bean will address questions on any subject posed by any seeker at any time.
Just ask Dr. Bean....
Flatulence seems to be one of your specialities. How does stomach/intestinal gas travel so quickly through those light-years of coils and loops to reach the lower opening so much faster than the source food itself? Given that gas would normally rise, rather than sink, in a liquid/solid environment, what sort of muscular contractions could possibly preferentially move gas downward through tubing faster than its sludgy medium?
Barton B. Jaques
Vancouver, Canada
Hmmm. This class seems to be perhaps unduly preoccupied with the digestive functions. Still, a keen interest in fluid dynamics is not to be discouraged, and peristalsis is a wonderful thing. The gas (mostly methane) is formed and expands, pressurizing it. Peristaltic mobility propels it and the digesting gunk forward through the intestines and prevents it from escaping backwards and coming up the esophagus and out of the mouth. The pressurized gas expands easily through the slower moving sludge and results in the wonderful gurgling that may be heard by listening to a cooperative stomach. There is another school of thought that holds that the gas is compressed to a very high degree using biological algorithms resembling those used in Adobe Acrobat to squash the farts into tiny pellets which shoot down the tube and are subsequently decompressed on-the-fly by an as yet unexplained mechanism in the sphincter. But Gyropsychopathetics doesn't think that one holds water, never mind gas.
Dr. Bean Replies:
Johnn Four
Vancouver, Canada
The width of the yellow lines, and in particular their aspect ratio vs that of the white ones is of great interest to Science, John. You are to be congratulated on your grasp of the Big Questions. Unfortunately, so far all attempts to place accurate measuring equipment have failed when the devices (and several scientific teams) were run over. The Hubble Space Telescope, though defective in several important respects, has been utillized, however, to clear up one common misconception: that the white lines are parallel. They are not. They do indeed converge, as they appear to, just 3.2 km outside of Medicine Hat.
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Lines on the highway. Is there any reason they are the length that they are? If so, what reason is it and how did they come up with it. Also, what makes Pink Lemonade Pink. Last time I looked there was no such thing as a pink lemon. Where did the name Dr. Pepper come from? What exactly is the definition of "Alternative music"? Is there really a god? Who is Randy River, and does he hang around with that doritto guy? Have you tried that Microwave popcorn on the cob...and if so is it good?
Well that's enough for now....I'll ask more later.
Yours Truly,
Naturally Stoned In Vancouver
Yes. None of your business. There are so. His parents. You wouldn't get it. He said not to tell you. Science doesn't care. Yes and no.
Dr. Bean Somewhat Testily Replies:And it's Dr. Bean to you.
If you sprinkled Beano on a bunch of gasbags like, say, Keirans, Camp & Lewis, would that clear the air?
Dean Allen
Vancouver, Canada
The air in the Ivory Tower has the reputation of being somewhat rarefied and clean, scrubbed as it constantly is by the brisk winds of intellect, but I can assure you young man, Academia is no stranger to unpleasant odors. In the physics wings for example, there are still ugly traces of the N Ray stink that linger and haunt us all, and this is by no means an isolated example. It is definitely a problem.
Dr. Bean Replies:While Science has nothing in particular against herbal antiflatulents, and their effectiveness as a remedy for the discomforts felt by those who cannot completely metabolize legumes is accepted on the weight of anecdotale evidence, it is not proven that they have any effect on those whose farts issue from the other end. Sorry.
Johnn Four
Vancouver, Canada
Please, call me Iggy.
Dr. Bean Replies:I don't know what you do for a living, John, but you certainly have the proper attitude to study Gyropsychopathetics, and any man with a number in his name ought really to consider investigating one of the sciences as a lifework. A sincere reverence for learning is a wonderful thing and to be encouraged, and yet a man in my position cannot be found in the company of too many untutored proselytes. It raises unpleasant questions. (There are yet ripples from the ugly swimming pool incident last year.)
It is not my mandate to tell you what questions to ask, that is up to you, but I would be forgiven, I'm sure for suggesting some areas that might bear fruit for you. Such as "I wonder if I should endow UBC with a chair in Gyropsychopathetics? Where should I send my one-time love gift? Does Doctor Bean need a new DeLorean?"
Remember: Ask not what Gyropsychopathetics can do for you, ask what you can do for Gyropsychopathetics.
What's a really good joke?
Dean Allen
Vancouver, Canada
Union rates? $58.50, U.S.
Dr. Bean Replies:
Roger D. Abrahamsen
Vancouver, Canada
Science doesn't know yet, Roger, but there's nothing to say it can't be both. In fact, if there's one thing Gyropsychopathetics can show us quite clearly is that there will always be some uncertainty. In fact the more certain we are that haggis is not leaning toward being visceral dumpling, the less certain we can be that it always was a love token. But there's nothing unusual there. If you study Gyropsychopathetics long enough, you'll be uncertain of whether you had haggis or a love token for breakfast. Hey! I think you have a doable thesis there, m'boy. The Abrahamsen Uncertain of Haggis Principle. I'll talk to the Dean. If you get a grant, I can help you with the software.
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