That's right: for strange aeons, only those who were willing to sacrifice their lives, their sanity, and their very souls were able to get advice from Cthulhu. Now, thanks to the wonders of the internet, recently developed Plush Technology™, and the kind people at Chaosium, we can bring the invaluable wisdom of this most popular of Great Old Ones direct to your home!
All you need to do is ask Plush Cthulhu your question, and the answer will be forthcoming in a matter of days! (Subject to the stars being right).
Sign up for Hardcore Nude Email, and be the first to know when Plush Cthulhu answers another question.
You ripped into the poor, stupid chap who asked the question concerning Richard Gere's sexual preferences for his complete lack of spelling and grammar skills. I will be the first to say that such stupidity must not go unpunished, but I must take issue with your response, nonetheless, oh Truly Terribly Plush One. My problem is this: in your response you yourself misspelled two words. My question, then, is whether that was for the sake of irony or whether you just don't know any better?
P.S. Do you even know which words you misspelled?
Ironic, Montreal
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Ah, the tentacle-tumescing tragedy of it. To think that a mere human being, a member of a species no more intelligent than star vampires, should dare to challenge my mighty transdimensional intellect!
Anticipating that my spelling in that particular corpuscle of wisdom would come under intense mammalian scrutiny, I had a team of specially trained gugs check the spelling in advance (forewarned really is four-armed).
As a result, I can confirm with absolute certainty that there are, in fact, no spelling errors in that particular answer. Which, frankly, makes you look almost as stupid as the Richard Gere sexuality guy.
Why are you so angry with everyone? Why do you want to eat me? And could you eat my rotten ex-boyfriend first?
Bitter, Los Angeles
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Imagine, if you will, an aethereal cube hanging in space. Now picture a flat sheet of paper (or better yet a flat sheet of hypothetical paper, which is the same as ordinary paper but has no thickness), populated by two-dimensional creatures capable of moving, perceiving and existing only along the surface of their flat universe.
Now imagine the cube intangibly floating through the paper. How would this appear the limited perceptions of the paper's inhabitants? How could their limited minds comprehend the comparatively multitudinous dimensionality of the cube?
The cube is my anger, and you are the pitiful denizens of a lesser dimension doomed never to understand the awesome might of its six-sided wrath.
On your second point, I want to eat everyone because I'm a ravening Plush monstrosity from a time before the birth of your sun.
Finally, I could indeed eat him first, and should you provide me with what I consider to be a sufficient number of freshly slaughtered human souls then I shall most certainly do so. I'm not going to tell you how many that will be, so you would be well advised to slaughter as many as possible, just in case.
Oh great Cthulhu, will humanity be obliterated by the coming dysgenic apocalypse?
Overconfident, Washington
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Dysgenic apocalypse? Well, I suppose you could look at it like that, but as my future minions I suggest you look on it more as a training course for aeons of degenerate servitude.
how [sic] long will it be before i [sic] get a girl friend?
Jilted, Johnsville
Plush Cthulhu answers:
As Nyarlathotep would say, in form number 765 of its 1000 forms:
Did you mean: girlfriend
And yes, I've told it about the question mark, but it just won't listen to reason.
On a more apposite note, assuming you weren't inquiring as to when you would acquire a close companion of your own species who happens to be female, but were, rather, inquiring as to when you would acquire a close companion of your own species who happens to be female and willing to have sex with you, it could be quite some time. "If only", I can almost imagine you thinking with your puny tridimensional brain, "if only there were some way to speed up the process."
"If only there were some higher being willing to step in and use its vastly superior power to end my wretched girlfriendlessness." (I am of course assuming that your spelling will have improved by this point).
"Of course!", and at this point I picture you curling the ultimate extension of one of your upper pair of appendages into a ball and slamming it into its mirror-image companion, which is held extended and slightly cupped. "Plush Cthulhu is ever the friend of the lonely-hearted simian willing to sacrifice the lives of an endless progression of its peers!"
Why, I can almost taste the screams of the victims whose innards you would expose to my intervening-distance-disregarding sight as your quest for romantic companionship led you to ever greater atrocities in my machine-washable name!
Of course, I'm Plush Cthulhu, not Plush Venus, or Plush someone who cares about you achieving happiness in your soon to be extinguished existence, so don't bother with any of that, because I've already sent a squad of nightgaunts round to bring an end to your girlfriend worries in a way which will be eternally painful for you, while at the same time gastronomically satisfying for me.
Plush! what [sic] is the point of cats? should [sic] they not be banned?
Premature, Glasgow
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Cats (genus felidae) are the earthly servants of the goddess Bast. I say goddess; really though, she's not up to much. I mean, look at her - and you could, without risking even the slightest portion of your sanity! If she can't even generate mind-wilting fear and insanity in a mere human, she can't be much of a goddess, can she? And does she respawn in 1d10+10 minutes? I think not!
Anyway, don't worry your little protoplasm about the continued existence of cats. They won't be around much longer. Not that I'll be doing anything about it, but it won't be long before they become obsolete and die out in favour of something else, as all beings of your kind of matter eventually do. You give it 50 million years or so and it'll all be giant insects around here. Well, giant insects and eldritch beings from beyond time and space. But no cats.
why
Terse, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Even by my aterrestrial cryptoriemannian standards, that is not a question.
Will the Illuminati ever collect their $15,000 anual [sic] monthly fee, or will we forever be in debt?
P.S. Can I have heat vision?
Shadowed, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Yes, and yes.
P.S. No.
In the recent JLA/Avengers crossover, should Thor have beaten Superman?
I'm hoping for a final resolution to this pointless question.
Hick, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Yes. Unpalatable though it is (I think we all hate that red and blue guy and his solar-powered chin), he has beaten the Hulk, against whom the Mighty Thor could only manage a draw.
Doop would kick his Kryptonian ass, though.
i [sic] was wathing [sic] pretty woman the other day and i [sic] was saying to my self,dude,richard [sic] gere is a pimp.he [sic] throws down all this cash on a hooker,who [sic] i guess he eventully marries(i [sic] can only assume,the [sic] never made a sequel,damn [sic] them).But [sic] geres [sic] one fatal flaw,he [sic] didnt [sic] pass her around to his friends,he [sic] even kick [sic] one guys [sic] ass for asking to partake of the party favor.what [sic] a senstive [sic] ponytail boy.dude [sic] geres [sic] not looking for love,hes [sic] looking for a close female friend with a keen fashion sense that can gab about modern fashion.this [sic] is all theroy [sic] of course.so [sic] i [sic] need to know the truth.plush [sic] cthulhu:
"is richard gere gay?"
Uneducated, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Forgive the delay in answering your question, which was caused by my at first misinterpreting it as some kind of deliciously unhealthy incantation in some form of arcane and forgotten language spoken before your species first walked upright. Imagine my surprise when I determined that this was in fact in a squamously garbled and distorted dialect of your most commonly used present-day tongue!
Now, I've checked with Yog-Sothoth, who being, as it is, coterminous with all time and space was able to assure me that this was not a communication from some time in your world's future when owing to having languished for millennia in servitude to my Plush self your tree-originated brains have devolved to a point where they are no longer capable of grasping the subtleties of capitalisation, punctuation and spelling currently practised by a people temporarily fortunate enough to be without my leadership, as I had naturally first surmised.
Next I wondered if perhaps this question might be an epistle from Eihort, the apparent unfamiliarity with human speech being in part the result of his unfamiliarity with human speech, compounded by the difficulty he has in typing with his comically stumpy little legs. Once more, however, investigation proved this not to be the case, and I was left with the spine-chilling (for your species, of course - I don't have a spine, or indeed anything that you could describe as an analogue of such) conclusion that in fact this was merely the result of a human being for some reason utterly unfamiliar with the native means of communication of its own species.
Of course, after all that I couldn't be bothered actually answering your question.
my [sic] question is..... why does Jessie talk so much?
Deafened, Glasgow
Plush Cthulhu answers:
The scenarios I've found to generally lead to excessive (not to mention frequently meaningless even by the low standards your communications reach at the best of time) vocalisation from your sad little species are:
I'm afraid that, absent some form of payment in flesh or souls, I cannot take the time to investigate this particular individual, but I'm about 77% sure that it'll fall into one of the above categories. If this is indeed the case, then the ceaseless babbling you're experiencing appears to just be a natural response your kind has to situations too mind-warpingly evil for your merely three dimensional brains to process.
WHAT DOES THE WORD AUSCULTATE MEAN IN A PRIMATE?
Pharmaceutical, New York
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Ah, auscultate. One of my favourite words, pertaining as it does to my worship. Let me see...
Auscultate adj: of or pertaining to any of several secret mystical societies found among Aboriginal tribes in the coastal regions of Australia and devoted to the worship of a mysterious pelagic diety known by a variety of names, the most common being Kulteh. (From reference.com).
"In a primate" (regardless of the relentlessness of your capitalisation) would of course refer to the (now extinct) practise once common among these religious orders whereby the head priest would, during their most important ceremonies of human sacrifice, be dressed in the carcass of the Greater Antipodean Reef-Ape, Gorilla thalassis fosteris (now also extinct, for not entirely unrelated reasons).
I sincerely hope this information is of use to you.
Tell me plush, will they ever catch me?
Nefarious, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
No. Your boat will be wrecked on the reef outside of town (you know, the one just where the really deep water starts) and you will be declared dead. Your body, however, will never be found.
It's been my experience that that's how these things end at least half of the time.
Great lord. Master of Aeons. Destroyer of mine enemies and Friends ( prime time still - how so?) and worshipful centre of my miserable mass sacrificial existence, allay my fears! The big blubbery thing washed up on the beach last month... you're not shedding while you slumber are you?
Wretched, Chile
Plush Cthulhu answers:
No, but thanks for asking.
Being of the cosmicist/nihilist bent -- with all that entails -- I have wonder
[sic] why you're considered such a big deal?If my puny existence means nothing (and believe me, it doesn't), and if you're gonna either subjugate me or squash my frail body -- then consume my withered soul (which doesn't exist, by the way) -- why the heck should I worship you, oppose you, or do anything except kick back and smoke cigs and drink coffee and generally just wait for the inevitable?
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Oh dear, oh dear. The "cosmicist/nihilist bent -- with all that entails"? Listen, you pseudo-existentialist, clove smoking, art student excuse for a newly matriculated goth, if you'd ever managed expand your reading habits beyond your first year philosophy textbooks and the sleeve notes of the latest Marilyn Manson album you might perhaps have encountered the works of one Mr Howard Phillips Lovecraft, wherein you will find it quite clearly stated (albeit in big words that you might have to look up the meanings of) that no Elder God or Great Old One (no, not even Eihort, bless his stumpy little legs) cares in the slightest about your worship, your oh-look-at-me-I'm-so-alternative-just-like-all-my-friends eyeliner, or indeed your very existence.
In fact, from what I've seen from my Neptunian abode no-one cares about goths. Look, why don't you just go and fulfil your chosen stereotype and kill yourself. No, don't sacrifice yourself to me - I have no use for you. If you must, you can sacrifice yourself to Shub-Niggurath (I've never liked her), but for My sake just put us all out of your tragicomic pretence at misery.
Which came first, the chicken or the slime-encrusted Elder God that ate its egg?
Clichéd, Arizona
Plush Cthulhu answers:
You know, it's questions like this that really makes me wonder if I shouldn't give up on the whole ruling humanity thing, and just wipe you all out now and wait for something better to come along. There are several species of intestinal parasite, for example, which seem on the whole to offer a far more promising prospect as thralls, and as an added bonus aren't so unsettlingly bilaterally symmetrical.
Just look at your question. Did you even look at the words your clumsy, only-bend-in-one-direction-and-even-then-only-at-a-couple-of-points fingers were typing?
But I shall be generous with you. If, using only a loop of your own intestine, you can strangle just one other person in sacrifice to me before your pathetic conventional-matter body collapses (and, need I add, fails to respawn in 1d10+10 minutes), then I will, in your dying seconds, impart to you the secret of whether chickens came into existence before your wretched planet, like the Elder Gods. You know, I've never wondered why they call them that.
Why do the silly Earth creatures put so much faith in their "god" and "religion", when the truth of your omnipotence is so obvious? Is it because of their primitive earth brains? Or is it their feeble attempt to gain some sort of comfort in their miserable worthless lives? Lives that should, I might add, be devoted to your service.
Confused, Columbus
Plush Cthulhu answers:
To be fair to the putrid masses of your fellow bipeds, I have been asleep for almost the entirety of your species second-rate existence. But, as you rightly surmise, your co-simians lack of comprehension and table manners are indeed due to your brains. Brains which are, after all, mostly water.
I am often submerged in water (while "submerged" isn't really an appropriate term to describe my actual relationship to it, being as I am composed of another (and frankly higher) type of matter than that to which you are accustomed, your ape-originated attempt at language is inadequate to describe the true state of affairs, and so I shall perforce use the conventional "submerged" as a substitute), and so let me tell you something about water which you may not know: it is composed to a surprisingly large degree of the excrement of aquatic life.
Given that your organs of cognition may reasonably (albeit colloquially) be described as fish shit I suppose I must be grateful that your souls offer what meagre sustenance they do. And don't worry about lives not devoted to my service, for my gibbering agents are even now preparing for my ascendancy, which may come sooner than you think. On that day, none shall be spared my wrath!
Except for a small breeding population I shall preserve for entertainment and bar snacks.
Dear Cthulhu. I sacrificed my long time boyfriend in a ritual to you just last week. Now for some reason, the other boys at school seem frightened of me and I cant find any guy willing to date me. My problem is this....I am a senior and this is my last chance to attend the prom. I was wondering if you would be my date??? There will be ample amounts of souls to devour, and punch too. What do you say??? Eternally yours,
Obsessed, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
In a freak gust of irony, I actually received this question well over a year before the stars were right for me to be bothered answering it. But no, of course I won't be your date, you slack-brained excuse for a primate. Your punctuation is worse that Azathoth's, and it's mindless, so I'm quite sure even a trivial incantation such as Summon & Mock Eihort would be beyond what I shall with blood-chillingly eldritch laughter from outside the conventional realms of matter refer to as your "intellect".
And besides, you looked fat in that dress.
Are servants awarded for the sacrifice of "person-like" pets? If so, what is the pet soul to human soul conversion rate? Also, how does the human soul stand up to the Euro?
Fiscal, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Honestly. I mean, I know your puny primate brains lack my awesome depth of eldritch intellect, but surely it should be obvious even to you that pets, like TV chefs, have no souls. I mean, they can't even pronounce algebra, let alone perform the simplest of mathematical operations. And pets are even worse, although they are admittedly better in more or less every other respect.
As of the time of writing, the human soul is hovering around 23 euros, the long term lull from the current sunspot cycle being temporarily offset by the influence of the Sun on Uranus. You can get cream for that, you know.
Should I eat my boss's soul?
Hungry, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
In general, I wouldn't want to be seen to condone non-violence or respect for your fellow man, like some kind of vegetarian hippy freak. That's why I support these guys - their teachings that your particular type of chimpanzee should put other species above your own is perfect preparation for the time when your miserable existences shall be given meaning by servitude to my eldritch will, and you are made to disembowel each other for the amusement of gibbering hordes of nameless obscenities.
In your particular case, it's been my experience that those simians who claim for themselves the title of "boss" are pretty unlikely to actually have a soul, but go ahead and try it anyway - what have you got to lose? Remember - they can't terminate your employment if you terminate them first!
Should I cut off my red mohawk?
PS: My band sings an awsome [sic] song about you called "Vote for Cthulhu".
Musical, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Ah, excellent. It's always good to hear of insignificant flesh creatures attempting to redeem themselves by spreading the word of my forthcoming global dominance. Of course, I shall most definitely not be ruling the world by means of your laughable primate democracy, but it's the thought (and, of course, the sacrificing) that counts.
As to the question of your scalp plumage, it really depends on how you feel you can serve me best. If you believe that, by removing it, you can infiltrate the mundane world of business-primates in order to bring them under my power all the sooner, then by all means go for it. If, on the other tentacle, you feel that you would better serve me by continuing your musical endeavours, and thereby amassing a cult devoted to my worship, then you might find that distinctive cranial adornments will make you more successful at attracting certain elements among the less chronologically advanced of your fellow hairless monkeys.
And, of course, sufficiently noticeable brain appendage fur will make it less likely that I will accidentally consume you during my ascensional rampage.
Will you destroy me last when you return? Or first?
Impatient, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
I'm not really sure where you puny meat-things get the impression that I'm out to destroy all of you; if you pay attention to the verse handily printed on my label, it quite clearly states that I will "rise when the stars are right to rule humanity" (emphasis mine).
However, nothing is too much trouble for my devoted fans and worshippers, so I'll be sure to seek you out as soon as the stars are right, and rend your insignificant body apart in a blood-drenched ceremony of such eldritch horror that it will be remembered by your pathetic mortal soul even after several millennia of the most horrific torments that can be devised for it.
If, on the other hand, you can't wait that long, then you need merely sacrifice your worthless existence at my altar, and we can skip straight to the horrific torments for your soul. I can't deny it would be a disappointment not to be able to toy with your internal organs over a period of weeks as I had planned, but we all need to make sacrifices sometimes.
Will the love of my life get to San Diego anytime soon?
Besotted, San Diego
Plush Cthulhu answers:
If I've told you once, I've told you a nameless multitude of times: I'll be there when the stars are right!
Honestly. Can't get enough of the tentacles...
I recently received and [sic] e-mail titled "Break through walls with your cock". Apparently this was an advert for a "non-medical genital enhancement" program. Before signing up to buy any of their equipment, I thought I should perhaps try my cock out on smaller objects (bricks perhaps) and wondered if there was any advice you give me about preparing for this feat of dexterity and raw love muscle power?
Worried, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Sadly, no puny mortal is capable of such feats with their sexual appendage, no matter how much non-medical enhancement they undergo.
However, there is hope! Tentacles obviously possess far superior strength and dexterity to your pathetic reproductive equipment (or, indeed, any of your laughable body parts). Therefore, all you need to do is to arrange to have your soul transferred into the body of a creature with tentacles - such as the Star Spawn of Cthulhu!
For a limited time, I am making such a soul transferral available to my devoted minions for the eldritchly small price of 5 human souls! That's right, just five of your worthless little human souls!
Act now! And remember: the ladies can't get enough of those tentacles!
WHERE ARE YOU? Please come back!
Distraught, Hamburg
Plush Cthulhu answers:
As I believe I've mentioned before, the best way of summoning me is through the medium of human sacrifice.
Have you ever considered stteling [sic] down with Tiamat? What if you two had a little...deamon..thingy? What would you call it? Cthiamat?
Consumed, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
You've obviously never met Tiamat, have you?
In a three way tag team match between Nyarlothotep [sic], Superman and Bono of U2 (in Fly gear) Vs Almighty God, Dr Who (4th incarnation) and Jeff Goldblum (in 1986 David Cronenburg movie 'The Fly' makeup/costume) who would win?
Estranged, Surf City
Plush Cthulhu answers:
This is indeed a complex question. First, let us examine the combatants, and their powers, abilities, and weaknesses:
So, as you can see, the teams are fairly evenly balanced; each has a diety, a being of superhuman abilities who is capable of time travel, and some guy in a funny costume.
Probably, Bono and Jeff Goldblum would be first into the ring. Although Jeff's superior agility and white fluid spitting would give him an early advantage, Bono's overlarge sunglasses would protect his eyes from the fluid, and he'd be able to use his leprechaun-like Irish wittiness to trick Jeff into putting his head into a hydraulic press (which could easily be provided by one of U2's massively complex stage shows).
Next up would be Dr. Who (4th incarnation) His mind control powers would be useless, because Bono's overlarge sunglasses would prevent eye-contact from being established. He's capable of time travel, but only via the TARDIS, which would of course have to be outside the ring, so Bono could prevent him from reaching it, possibly by beating him with one of Jeff Goldblum's arms. However, his knowledge of Venusian martial arts would easily overwhelm Bono's ironic arm-flailing attacks, and once Bono's sunglasses had been removed, Dr. Who could mind-control him into joining his team.
When Superman enters the ring, Bono will be sent forward to deal with him. While the destruction of his former teammate will prove no challenge for the Man of Steel, it will provide sufficient time for Dr. Who to sneak out of the ring, and into the TARDIS. Once there, he'll be able to travel to the planet Krypton, before its destruction, and prevent the infant Kal-El from ever being sent to Earth to become Superman.
Upon his return to the ring, Dr. Who would undoubtedly chew smugly on a jelly baby or two. However, unbeknownst to him, behind him something would be rising from the corpse of Jeff Goldblum. That's right: Jeff Goldblum had really been Nyarlathotep in disguise, and now Nyarlathotep would be rising from the corpse in a new, indescribably hideous, form!
Nyarlathotep chewing him into pieces would be enough to kill even the curly-haired timelord, leaving Nyarlathotep to face Almighty God. This would be a mighty battle indeed, with many spectacular sights beyond the special effects budget of this site to convey. However, bear in mind that while Almighty God either created or was created by humanity (I was slumbering at the time, so I can't remember which it was), Nyarlathotep will someday destroy them. So there could only be one outcome: Nyarlathotep traps God's beard in the hydraulic press, and then nails him to the floor of the ring.
The winners: Nyarlothotep, Superman and Bono of U2 (in Fly gear).
O mighty one, could you explain the relationship between the philosophical nature of Decartes statement "I think therefore I am" and Freud's concept of the Id?
Confused, <location withheld>
Plush Cthulhu answers:
No. Write your own essay! And you can't even spell Descartes' right; where's the apostrophe? Bloody philosophy student slackers!
In case any other of you Eihort-worshipping slackers out there would like to harness my divine wisdom to do their work for them, let me point out that a team of minions have been despatched to deal with "Confused".
Just wait until the stars are right. Then none of you shall escape my wrath!
I am a high energy physicist, who happens to spend a lot of spare time
roleplaying, reading comic books and
sacrificing my enemies to the elder gods.
I am proud of these activities, but when I tell people of them, they look
at me strangely, as if I had announced
my fealty to Eihort, the Living Testicle. How can I acquire the social
standing that I so obviously deserve?
Meddler with affairs unsuitable for mortals, Glasgow
Plush Cthulhu answers:
This is, unfortunately, a common problem. The tragically limited intellects and imaginations of most of your puny species are not capable of understanding the cosmic importance of your activities.
This sad state of affairs will continue until such time as the stars are right, at which point myself and my companions in eldritch horror shall arise and rule the earth, an earth which will be safe for our loyal comic-reading, roleplaying, enemy-sacrificing minions, who will be appointed to rule over the stinking mass of humanity. How's that for social standing?
Of course, that doesn't mean you need sit idly by and suffer the jibes of your inferiors until then. You say you sacrifice your enemies; I tell you that those who don't understand you are also your enemies, and therefore worthy of being sacrificed. Also, you may wish to do everything in your power to bring about my return. Please see your local Cthulhu cult or deep one emissary for information on how you can best help to bring about the end of the world.
Have YOU immanentized the eschaton today?
I desire to obtain Plush Technology™ for my own purposes, it seems to be a
big hit with the ladies! Where cold [sic]
I obtain some of this wonderous stuff?
Lowly Cultist in training, Glasgow
Plush Cthulhu answers:
Plush Technology™ is not suitable for mere mortals. Only the incarnate form of a god is capable of containing its supreme power. Therefore, the only way to attain Plush Technology™ is to acquire for yourself a Plush Cthulhu.
Once you have done so, you may wish to consult the excellent reference Care and Feeding of the Plush Cthulhu, available from Amazon. Pay particular attention to chapter 23, "Sacrifice: a beginner's guide".
Which is correct: creationism or the theory of evolution?
Hapless Biologist, Glasgow
Plush Cthulhu answers:
On this, I had to consult my minions: this "creationism" of which you speak is not something I have encountered in all my strange aeons of existence. Imagine my eldritch horror when I discovered that it was an ugly rumour, spread by certain mortals of limited intellect, alleging that their loathsome species had been created by a god!
I was of course appalled at the mere suggestion that one of my kind could possibly have been responsible for creating such a reprehensible collection of repugnant monkey things. Nonetheless, I investigated the matter (anything for my devoted worshippers) but to my relief not even Eihort had ever stooped so low.
No, you have nothing more than the laws of the vast and uncaring cosmos to thank for your pathetic existences. I only hope your feeble primate minds are able to cope with such a "complicated" notion.
Should this prove not to be the case, please feel free to sacrifice yourselves to me; in my tentacled embrace you will find respite from the torments of your existence. And should you happen to encounter any of these "creationist" monkey things, I recommend sacrificing them first.
Just how the hell would you tell if an object was small or merely far away?
Worshipful, Glasgow
Plush Cthulhu answers:
This is clearly a question ideally suited to be answered by the Key and the Gate, the Opener of the Way, Yog-Sothoth itself. Since it is coterminous with all time and space, it would be a mere trifle for it to answer any questions of size versus distance you may have.
Obviously, your mere mortal brain is not in any way prepared to deal with the mind blasting horror that is Yog-Sothoth. Therefore, I will generously allow you to sacrifice some mortals to me, and I will relay your question to Old Frothy (as we like to call it), and inform you of its answer.
If a tree falls in a forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Puzzled, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
This question raises a whole raft of philosophical questions on subjects such as solipsism. Fortunately for you, I've had vast aeons to study just such matters, and I can tell you that the best way to resolve this problem is to spend all your time in forests listening, just to make sure those trees aren't laughing at you behind your back.
Should you feel isolated or further confused while your there, just remember: you're never alone while you're summoning Cthulhu. Might I recommend human sacrifice as the most expedient way of summoning me? Good luck to you in the forest!
Is there a God?
Doubtful, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
In order to answer this question, it's necessary for us to first define what exactly we mean by "God". I think a reasonable working definition would be a vastly powerful being with control over the whole world who has existed for vast stretches of time and who could, with but the flick of a tentacle, wipe out all human life.
With that out of the way, we can move on to the meat of the problem - is there such a being? While it is impossible ever to prove it beyond any doubt, a reasonable working approximation would be if you could invoke this God to demonstrate his existence. That, I think, would be enough for any reasonable person.
To that end, may I suggest waiting until the next full moon, and at midnight sacrificing your favourite friends and family members, while chanting: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn! Cthulhu R'lyeh fhtagn!
I think you'll find that should clear up your doubts nicely.
How many roads must a man walk down?
Concerned, Newcastle
Plush Cthulhu answers:
That's a tricky one. The answer really depends on the man in question. My best advice to you would be to sacrifice him and all his family to me, and I'll contact you once his soul is in my possession to let you know just how many it was.
http://wwww.houseofsin.net/
Gavin M. Doig
Do You Believe That?