Helping Your Child Cope with Separation and Divorce
Children are deeply affected when their parents break up, often displaying signs
of bewilderment, emotional distress and regressive behaviour. Their pain and
anxiety can be eased, however, if you take time to understand their feelings
and help them adjust to the changes in their lives.
Separation and divorce are hard on everyone, but if you are able to cope with
the situation, your children will likely cope as well. Kids need more than
a behaviour model, however, you must also give them reassurance, love and opportunities
to communicate their feelings and concerns.
What children need to hear
- Children often believe they are to blame when a parent moves away -- that
it would not have happened had they been good. Whether or not children disclose
this worry, you should assure them that they are not responsible for the separation.
They will have to hear this frequently before their guilt will subside.
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When a parent leaves, young children feel abandoned and unloved; tell them that
you and your spouse still love them and will continue to love and look after
them.
- Tell children what to expect, i.e., who will be moving, and where. Assure
them you and your ex-spouse will continue to spend time with them and remain
involved in their lives.
What you can do
- Encourage young children to talk about, or act out, their feelings. Indirect
communication works well with young children. For example, you may tell a story
about a child in similar circumstances, incorporating their specific worries
and fears. Ask questions such as "How do you think this boy feels?" and "Do
her mom and dad still love her?"
- Do not upset your child's routine; a regular schedule and familiar activities
help offset feelings of insecurity and anxiety.
- Cooperate and support one another's relationship with your children; they
need time with both of you. Avoid long separations from them, particularly at
this stage.
- Be patient with toddlers who may need time to get reacquainted with each
visit. Phone calls and a photograph of the absent parent help the child to
remember and feel close.
- If new child care arrangements need to be made, accompany your child to
the site for a preliminary visit. Let her/him take along familiar objects,
such as stuffed animals, toys or a prized blanket. Keep consistent morning,
dinnertime and bedtime routines.
Some common problems to look for
Young children who cannot verbalize their feelings may exhibit signs of distress,
such as:
- waking during the night.
- bed-wetting, loss of appetite, aggressive behaviour, loss of language skills,
loss of toilet training (toddlers).
- sleeplessness, bed-wetting, recurring bad dreams.
- eating less or more than usual.
- a return to baby talk.
- crying or clinging.
- refusing to play with other children.
If these signs are unusually intense, last a long time or interfere with her/his
life, you should seek professional help.
Resources
Life Goes On, Helping Children Live With Separation and
Divorce. Health Canada Communications Publications; Ottawa, ON, K1A 0K0.
No charge, maximum order: 50 copies. Tel: (613) 954-5995; Fax: (613) 941-5366.
Children and Family Break-Up. Canadian Mental Health Association, pamphlet,
free of charge. Write to: 2301 - 180 Dundas Street West, Toronto, ON, M5G 1Z8.
Tel: (416) 977-5580; Fax:
(416) 977-2264.
This article was published by the Canadian Association of Family Resource Programs.
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Posted by:
the Canadian Child Care Federation, September 1996.
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