Sharing the Work and the Caring
Men have given up the role of sole breadwinner in most Canadian families, but research indicates (and marital counsellors know) that they have been slower to relieve women of the burdens of work in the home.
When people argue again and again about the same issues, it is a signal to use problem solving techniques to break the pattern of conflict. However, couples who try to apply this method often find themselves stuck when it comes to dividing up the child care and household chores. If it is happening to you, consider first the hidden agendas behind the question, "What is a fair share?"
Attitudes to housework
Cleaning up after someone else is a low status job in most societies. Raise the status of routine jobs in your family by noticing what has been done and saying thank you. Resentment arises out of being taken for granted.
What needs to be done
Not everyone notices the dust and not everyone minds the beds not being made. Accept different perceptions of cleanliness and different standards of tidiness at face value and not as signs of being lazy or inconsiderate. If you think a job is really important, make it part of your own responsibilities.
What there's time to do
When you have a newborn or new job, recognize that some things won't get done. Establish your priorities together and look for ways to reorganize the routine to minimize the work. For example, when shelves are provided for toys, tidying is simpler.)
Who's in charge and who's the helper
Our culture has long defined household management, cleaning and child care as female jobs. No matter what partners think about equality, a man may still feel uneasy about staying home with a sick child and a woman feel guilty about "letting" him. In particular, men may say they're "helping out" and women may insist they are carrying all the responsibility. It helps to agree that the person taking on the task will also decide how and when it is carried out.
How to divide the work
Once these issues are brought out into the open, you'll be more ready to work on the problem directly.
Who benefits
What is right for your family is whatever you work out that fills both your needs and that you can live with. The important thing is that no one feels put down or hard done by.
Remember that by sharing the work, as well as bringing increased harmony in the home, you are modelling to your children that in a family, all members perform services for one another so that everyone can enjoy life together more. Your next negotiation will be how to involve the kids in keeping the household running smoothly!
See also Taffel, Dr. Ron, "Mother's Work, Father's Work",
Sesame Street Parents, June 1995.
Hochschild, Arlie, Second Shift, N.Y.: Avon Books, 1989.
|
This article was published by the Canadian Association of Family Resource Programs. |
|
|
 |  |  |