Parenting Teens
by Keith Pattinson
Are We Having Fun Yet?
The instructions given me were simple: "Write 2,000 words about parents and teens in trouble." No shortage of raw material there, I aquired as much from the experience of raising five children as from the Ph.D's in Psychology they possess. Their ideas are the foundation of the British Columbia-wide Parents Together program, which today offers self-help support to over 500 parents who attend weekly meetings held in 26 communities throughout our province.
If you could place yourself among the 10-to-40 parents of acting-up teens who gather at a Parents Together Orientation, you might, like them, be amazed to look around and find that everyone sitting in the room looks so normal. Of course, that is because they are, but we have been told time and again by parents that they have come to believe they are less worthy, less normal, and that there must be something wrong with them. You see, unresolved parent/teen conflict can do that to you. It is an esteem and confidence-destroying activity that is so insidious you don't realize you have fallen into the trap of believing that you are the one who is responsible for controlling your teen's behaviour.
So what does a parent do when they are dealing with a teen who is rude, dishonest and abusive? Or one who skips school, steals, or keeps the family on the ropes by running away or threatening to run away? What happens to parents who find themselves in these circumstances unequipped or unable to break the cycle? First and foremost, they have told us by the hundreds that they are embarrassed, angry and disappointed. They feel confused and powerless and a failure in fulfilling their roles as parents. Some tell us they have become so discouraged and felt so hopeless they wish they could run away. A single mother of three teens said it for most of the parents we have talked to when she described the tremendous isolation from friends, relatives, and neighbours she felt as a result of the behaviour of her teens. One mom told us the best thing that happened in her community was the opening of a 24-hour major grocery store. It meant she could go shopping at 2:00 in the morning and not have to explain to any of her neighbours what was going on between her and her kids. And, a dad of an acting-up teen, told us he sometimes felt that his primary role in life was to serve as a warning to other parents.
So, how do you begin to turn things around? For starters, talk to your spouse or partner. If you are alone, seek out a trusted friend, neighbour, or relative and tell them you want to bring about change in the relationship between you and your acting-up teen. Tell your teen the same thing. Do it positively. Don't attach blame. Don't feel compelled to offer detail. A little suspense goes a long way, and anyway, you have not formulated how you are going to proceed, just that you are.
| Accept that you cannot change your teen's behaviour. You can only change the way in which you react to that behaviour. And when you do, your teen will be compelled to alter their conduct. |
Tell yourself and anyone who will listen without judging that you will do whatever it takes to bring harmony, respect, and honesty into the relationship between you and your teen.
Then accept that you cannot change your teen's behaviour. You can only change the way in which you react to that behaviour. And when you do, your teen will be compelled to alter their conduct. It can be a tricky concept and a difficult one to accept in the midst of teen rebellion. But think about it. When was the last time someone changed your behaviour?
Next, make a list of all the things you dislike about your teen's conduct or attitude. This is your chance to really go for it, so your list could cover the range from a messy bedroom to emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. If you are sharing teenraising with a partner, be sure they complete a list of their own. Frequently, we have found situations where two parents comparing lists discovered for the first time they were reacting to and dealing with different issues rather than presenting their teen with consistent and prioritized responses and support.
Having made the list, it is time to remind yourself again of your determination that you can't change someone else's behaviour. You will have to do this often because you are coming to the toughest task you will face. It helps to get the support of someone who has done it successfully, someone who has fought their way through the whole process of "taking a stand' and 'backing off" and speaks from experience.
The first step is to take your list of 10 or 50 items and separate them into two columns. On the left side of the page, put the heading "Kid's-Life List" and place under this, those problems which you have no control over or problems that have consequences that affect only your teen. On the right side, put a heading "Parent's-Life List" and under this put those problems that you do have control over or problems having consequences that affect your life directly.
As you work your way through this task, you will realize it is not always a black and white situation, that things which more directly affect teens can often have an influence on parents' lives as well. To the best of your ability, make hard decisions based on your relationship, your teen, and your ability to take a stand on those issues on the Parent's-Life List and "back off" on those issues which appear on the Kid's-Life List.
Here's how we explain it to the parents in Parents Together:
"Backing off" means letting go of the responsibility for items on your Kid's-Life List. It does not mean discontinuing your interest and support. Example: your teen will not do his/her homework.
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PARENTS TOGETHER is a self-help, support program for parents of acting-up teens. Groups meet in 26 communities around the province. Call for informaion about the group nearest you 325-0511 or 325-0556. How to Deal with your Acting-Up Teenager is a book that has proven to be a first step towards sanity for so many parents. You can purchase it through Parents Together, or by calling 325-0511. The cost is $16.00 per copy (plus $3.00 if ordering by mail.) |
"Taking A Stand" means setting and enforcing limits about things that are on your "Parent's-Life List". It is probably a good idea to start with the biggest item you feel you can comfortably deal with. An example: your teen refuses to accept responsibility for doing his / her share of the household chores.
Brainstorming With Other Group Members
If a solution cannot be found by either backing off or taking a stand, brainstorming with other group members can be very effective.
But, you say, I am not in a Parents Together group, so where do I do my brainstorming?
| By the way, statistics tell us that most of these kids are going to do just fine. |
Again, you can do it with a neighbour, a trusted friend, maybe even a colleague at work. If you are lucky enough to find someone who has lived with and through a relationship with an acting up teen, it is our bet you will get a less judgemental and more sympathetic hearing in response. There is a refreshing humility that often comes to parents who have not sailed through the teen years unchallenged and unscarred.
So there you have it, one approach that might be worth a try. The process I have describe is explained in detail in the Bayard book. For purposes of brevity, I have offered the bare essentials, hopefully enough to encourage you to buy or borrow a copy of "How To Deal With Your Acting-Up Teenager" as a first step towards getting things turned around. And remember, above all, look after yourself. Most parents of acting-up teens forego any self-care in order to devote all of their energies to reacting to their teen's behaviour. If we don't treat ourselves with respect, we can hardly expect others to do it for us. And don't try to do it alone. Where was it ever written that parents were placed on this earth to raise kids in isolation, that it was a sign of weakness for a dad or mom to seek support and advice from others?
By the way, statistics tell us that most of these kids are going to do just fine, so every morning when you get up to prepare for another day, take a couple of minutes to stand in front of a mirror and say to yourself with conviction: "I have done the best job that I can and it should be enough for any kid to grow up on."
| This article first appeared in Family Connections, published by the B.C. Council for the Family. |  | Posted by: Family Service Canada, September 1996. |
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