Understanding Children's Behaviour:

Whether one is a child care veteran, a new grad entering the field, a student in an ECE program or a parent, the topic of children's behaviour is a hot one. Each day we read, hear or see evidence of discipline gone awry. Violence against people and property and the wasted potential of young people surround us, regardless of where we live. How does this happen? Why do some people learn socially acceptable behaviour and others do not? The answer to this question is complex.

Most of us have strong opinions on how to guide our children's behaviour. Unfortunately, these opinions often focus on stopping the inappropriate behaviour and neglect to give significant emphasis to helping children learn new, more appropriate ways to behave. People who work with young children have a golden opportunity and an awesome responsibility to help children learn to make appropriate behaviour choices which, in turn, can lead to enhanced self-esteem and self-discipline.

To be effective, discipline for young children must be in place before the rules are broken. As a process of guidance, discipline can be divided into two major components: indirect and direct. In the area of indirect guidance, we need to look at the organization of the environment to encourage autonomy and to empower children. As well, we need to look at the people -- the teachers -- who nurture and help children learn. Direct guidance is what the word implies: guidance that occurs when some rule is broken or boundary crossed.

Psychological Needs and Indirect Guidance

Let us contemplate our needs as human beings. It is likely we would all concede we have physical or survival needs, such as the need for air, water, nutrition, rest, shelter and safety. Dr. William Glasser tells us we also have psychological needs which he defines as love and belonging, power and a sense of importance, freedom and fun (Glasser, 1984). Dr. Glasser says that these needs must be met each day in order for each of us to be truly happy, alive human beings. As we relate Glasser's theory to young children in our care, it becomes apparent that the psychological needs (as he defines them) have significant impact on children's development and are directly related to their behaviour.

Children need love and, like all human beings, need to know they are loved, that they are accepted and cherished for the unique people they are. This sounds simple enough, but many of the children who need love the most are the ones who get it least. It is easy for us to love and care for the child who fits our picture of how children should be (clean, neat, cooperative, bright, independent), but what about the ones who try our patience day-in and day-out -- the ones who find ways to challenge us so much it hurts? Do we truly love them unconditionally, regardless of their behaviour toward us? Are we relieved on days when they don't show up? Do these children know they are so difficult for us? You bet they do! And that encourages them to continue their inappropriate behaviour since negative attention is better than no attention at all. If we are to reach all children, we must find ways of letting them know that we do love them -- no matter what. And we must discover ways of creating a sense of belonging for them -- no matter what.

What is this thing called "power?" Glasser defines power as personal empowerment or a feeling of self-worth. Power is also about recognition; children must have recognition, not for what they do but for the unique human beings they are. Be assured that, since recognition is a basic need, they will get it one way or another. If little Sam does not get your recognition in a positive way, he will get it negatively. If the only way he knows is a negative one, that is what you will get consistently until you show him recognition and encouragement in a more positive manner. Often our recognition for children comes in the form of praise. Think about replacing praise with encouragement and acknowledgement, for these come without judgement and are much more empowering for children (and for adults, too).

Children need freedom to make choices -- real choices. Some say that what is wrong with the world today is that children have too much choice. I am not talking about infinite freedom and choice. I am talking about choice within limits, choice within the limits of children's understanding. Making choice does not come without its responsibility, so children -- even little ones -- need to be held accountable for their choices.

Jonathan, who is four years old, doesn't want to put his sunscreen on before going outside. What is the choice here? To my way of thinking the choice is not about wearing or not wearing sunscreen; the choice is to put sunscreen on and to go outside or to stay inside so that the sun cannot hurt his skin.

Children are very capable of making choices (what colour pants to wear, which play area they want, how they will paint, draw or build) and they must also be given the freedom to choose such things as where to sit in the circle. Does it really matter if they all sit like angels with their hands in their laps, eyes straight ahead and lips zippered up? What is the issue here? It is that we want children to hear and participate in what is going on. We want them to respect the rights of others. We also want them to respect the fact that we are trying to help them learn. Those are the real issues -- not that they must sit like angels. Help them understand these things by explaining why they are important to you.

Help them choose an appropriate behaviour and hold them accountable for it. Acknowledge their appropriate choices. When children are part of the choice, they own it and are therefore more likely to follow through. These are real choices for young children which must be given them if we are ever to expect them to make good choices in the more critical issues of life later on.

My granddaughter (at two-and-a-half) told me: "Grandma, I can make choices. I can make good choices or poor choices." I asked her what kinds of choices she made. With quiet resolve and blue eyes as big as saucers, she told me: "I make good choices." Young children are very capable of understanding the language and meaning of choices and are able to make real choices when the opportunity is provided.

And yes, we must have fun! Many of us were raised in homes where fun was something you engaged in only after all the work was done. However, Glasser informs us that fun is a basic need that we must meet each day if we are to feel happy and fulfilled. As adults who care for and educate young children, meeting their need for fun is relatively easy because most children know intrinsically how to have fun. It is our task to cherish, not to quell this need. It is our responsibility to encourage children to be involved in the planning of their days, in how they would like to learn a concept, for we will be meeting their needs not only for fun, but also for freedom, power, love and belonging.

It is important for us to remember that our definition of fun may not be a child's definition. How many of you, like me, have spent hours planning an activity you thought would be fun only to have the children look at you disinterested and unenthusiastic? This kind of thing happened because we went with what we thought would be of interest without checking first with them. Involve the children in your planning -- you'll be wonderfully surprised how you and they will have so much fun.

Careful planning and monitoring of the physical environment to meet the children's ever-changing needs can prevent many heartaches for both of you. Do a quick self-check of your environment to see whether or not it is need-fulfilling to the children in your care:

• Are there learning centres or areas that are clearly defined?
• Are toys and equipment available and accessible to children so as to encourage independence (empowerment)?
• Are shelves labelled so children can see where toys and equipment belong?
• Is there space for a flow of activity from active to quiet and everything in between?
• Are there enough play spaces for the ages and stages of children?
• Do these play spaces include adequate numbers of simple, complex and super units (Shipley, 1993)?
• Is there quiet, individual space where children can go just because they want to?

How we practise giving care is critical to effective guidance. Practice includes meeting all the needs of children by showing them love and recognition; by giving real, meaningful choices; and by planning developmentally appropriate programs and activities with the children to ensure they have fun without hurting themselves, others or the things around them. In short, indirect guidance is what happens long before the rules are broken. It is an ongoing, everyday commitment to children's physical and psychological well-being. It is about what we as adults do and say, how we set expectations and how we give children choices and hold them accountable for those choices. It is how we care for, love and nurture our children. Since children rely on us to help them meet their needs, it is imperative that we do so in ways that will increase their self-confidence and their self-worth.

Direct Guidance and Communication

Direct guidance happens when children overstep their bounds -- as all children will at times. As adults responsible for children, we must help them understand their inappropriate behaviours and assist them in choosing better ones. Direct guidance encompasses all parts of the interpersonal communication process. We know that discipline is an integral part of development. We work diligently to assist children to develop a healthy self-concept and a sense of moral autonomy. As children become self-disciplined they are well on their way to becoming competent, self-confident, little people. It is important to note that this will not happen if we persist in telling them what to do. It will only happen if we help them learn from their inappropriate behaviours and assist them in making new, more appropriate choices as the need arises.

There are many tried-and-true methods of direct guidance used today:

Modelling

Don't underestimate the power of modelling, especially if you are important to the child. Children will do as you do, so you must "practise what you preach."

If you don't want children to hit, don't hit them. If you want them to use quiet voices inside the room, then you too must use your inside voice when talking to them and to your colleagues, even from across the room.

Redirection

This is a method most often used with very young children. Using words and gentle, hands-on guidance, you may use this technique when safety is an issue. It is especially helpful for guiding toddlers in a game-like way from one area to another in order to avoid power struggles.

You may have a child who has difficulty keeping his hands off the person next to him. Seat that child next to you and guide him back to the task by touching his arm or by putting your arm around his shoulder. You can do this without any interruption to the group.

Natural Consequences

This method may be used when safety is not an issue. Children can learn many things by experiencing natural consequences.

Mary Ann forgets to put her favourite book in her cubby after she has finished reading it. When she is ready to go home, it is nowhere to be found. The consequence for Mary Ann is that she will have to go home that day without her book.

Johnny is continually picking on Ethan. As a result, Ethan has decided he will not play with Johnny today. The consequence for Johnny is that he will need to find someone else to play with this time.

Terry has chosen not to wear her mittens on a cool, spring day and now her hands are cold. The consequence for Terry is that she will have to bear the cold or find a warm pocket.

After you have helped the child understand the consequences of certain actions, your follow-up task is to help the child make a new, more appropriate behaviour choice so that next time the outcome will be more positive.

"I"-Messages

These messages are effective when the problem is yours and you wish to convey to children how their behaviour is affecting you. An "I"-message has three parts:

1. State your feeling.
2. State the inappropriate behaviour.
3. State its impact on you.

"I feel very frustrated. You are making a lot of noise when I'm reading the story. I can't hear what the other children are asking me." This method is very effective when you have a good relationship with a child and you want the child to be sensitive to your needs and the needs of others. This message needs to be delivered firmly, yet gently.

Problem-Solving

Problem-solving is an important life skill for young children to learn. We all encounter conflict in our daily lives. How we handle this conflict determines our sense of control over our lives and contributes significantly to our sense of well-being. What a wonderful gift we can give to children -- the gift of having a sense of well-being!

Conflict

Glasser maintains that the reason we experience conflict (minor or major) in our lives is because we have in our minds a picture of how we want things to be (our ideal world). Unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world so we filter every situation we encounter in the real world though our valuing system. If it is important to us, we will compare it to our ideal world-picture. If the two pictures match, we experience a pleasure signal. If they come reasonably close, we may experience a neutral signal or a mild pain (frustration signal). However, if they are a significant mismatch, then we experience a major error signal (pain in the pit of the stomach, tightness in the chest or a lump in the throat). Reactions differ, depending on the person.

When we experience this signal (positive or negative) we must react by choosing behaviour. These behaviours my be appropriate or inappropriate. As humans, we are driven by our ideal world-pictures to meet our needs (love and belonging, power, freedom and fun).

Our task is to help children meet their needs in an appropriate way. If children learn the way to solving frustration is to yell or hit, then that will become their automatic response to frustration. Hitting and yelling are not behaviours we want children to use in response to frustration; we must help them learn other responses so these new behaviours can become their behaviours of choice.

From the age of three, most children are very capable of finding solutions to many everyday situations.

Anna hits Robbie and takes his blocks. Teacher approaches both children and physically gets down to the children's eye level and places an arm gently around each child. It is likley that Anna wants more blocks to complete her ideal world-picture. She wants more options in her building activity (freedom/choice need); she wants to finish her structure and Robbie has the blocks she needs (power/recognition need).

Teacher: What happened here? (Give time for the children to answer.)
Robbie: Anna hit me.
Teacher: Anna, what did you want?
Anna: I wanted the blocks.
Teacher: How did you get them?
Anna: I took them.
Teacher: And what else did you do?
Anna: I hit Robbie.
Teacher: Is it OK to hit people when you want something?
Anna: No.
Teacher: What could you do next time you want something?
Anna: I could ask.

When the child gives you a reasonable answer, accept it. If not, continue your open-ended questions. Explore options around what she can do if the other child does not comply with her request for more blocks. It may be necessary for Anna to come up with another solution to her wish for more blocks. Since belonging is such a strong human need, most children will cooperate if they feel that the solving of the situation has been need-fulfilling for them. Trust that, with your guidance, the children can find suitable solutions.

Learning

If children are to learn to stop inappropriate behaviours, they must learn new, more appropriate ones to replace them. Otherwise they will continue with their poor choices. Good guidance is about learning. When children are in environments where their physical and psychological needs are being met, they have far less need to misbehave. It is important to remember that, because they are learning about their world and their role in it, all children will at times make inappropriate behaviour choices.

It is our responsibility to help them understand their poor choices and give them opportunities to make good choices and to learn new and more appropriate behaviours. They will not achieve self-discipline or develop healthy self-concepts if the adults in their world continually tell them what to do. We must encourage and support children's learning of socially acceptable behaviour in the same way we support and encourage their learning in other areas of development. Perhaps then we will be able to live up to Child's Appeal by Mamie Gene Cole which says in part:

I am the child.
You hold in your hand my destiny.
You determine, largely, whether I shall succeed or fail.
Give me, I pray you, those things that make for happiness.
Train me, I beg you, that I may be a blessing to the world.

Children are the only future the human race has. Let's teach them well.

Alice Taylor is Program Manager/Instructor, Early Childhood Education, at Holland College in Charlottetown, PEI.

References

Glasser, W. (1984). Control Theory. New York: Harper & Row.

Shipley, D. (1993). Empowering Children. Scarborough, Ontario: Nelson Canada.

This article appeared in Interaction (Fall 1996), published by the Canadian Child Care Federation.

Posted by the Canadian Child Care Federation, August 1997.

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