Conflict Resolution Adult/Child

Coping with Tricky Times:
Conflict Resolution in Adult/Child Relationships

Strategies for Positive Discipline

Look for underlying needs. Give your child something to play with while waiting in line.
Give information and reasons. If your child colours on the wall, explain why we colour on paper only.
Look for underlying feelings. If your child hits his baby sister, encourage him to tell you why he is upset, and to express his anger and jealousy in harmless ways.
Change the environment. (It's easier than trying to change the child.) If your child repeatedly takes things out of the kitchen cupboards, put a childproof lock on them.
Find acceptable alternatives and redirect your child's behaviour. If you do not want your child to build a fort in the dining room, tell her where she can build one.
Be playful. Turn the situation into a game. "Let's pretend we're the seven dwarfs while we clean up."
Give choices rather than commands. Decision making empowers children; commands invite a power struggle. Try: "Would you like to brush your teeth before or after putting your pajamas on?"
Make small concessions. "I'll let you skip brushing your teeth tonight because you are so tired."
Provide a period of preparation. If you are counting on company for dinner, tell your child how you expect him to behave. Be specific. Role-playing can help prepare for potentially difficult situations.
Let natural consequences occur (when appropriate). Don't rescue too much. A child who does not hang up her bathing suit and towel may find them still wet the next day.
Use logical consequences (only if necessary). If while holding your child, he wiggles so much that he kicks you, explain that it hurts. Set him down and offer to hold his hand instead.
Give I-messages. "I get so tired of cleaning up crumbs in the living room."
Hold, hold, hold. This expression of love enables children who are acting aggressively or obnoxiously to channel their pent-up feelings into healing tears.
Remove your child from the situation, and stay with her until she is ready to act appropriately. Use the time for listening, sharing feelings, moving toward conflict resolution.
Demonstrate how you want your child to behave. If your child pulls a cat's tail, show her how to pet a cat. Do not rely on words alone.
Make a deal, negotiate. If you're ready to leave the playground and your child is having fun, reach an agreement on the number of times she may go down the slide before leaving.
Defuse the situation with laughter. If your child is mad at you, invite him to engage in a playful pillow fight. Play your part by surrendering dramatically. Laughter helps resolve anger and feeling of powerlessness.
Revise your expectations. Young children are naturally loud, curious, messy, willful, impatient, demanding, forgetful, fearful, self-centred, and full of energy. Try to accept them as they are.
Take a parental time-out. Leave the room, and do whatever is needed - cry, call a friend, meditate, take a shower, read a poem - to regain your sense of composure and good judgement.

What's Wrong with Spanking? PLENTY!
Top Ten List

It sets a bad example: "When angry, hit." Parents need to show children how to express anger and resolve conflict in a peaceful way.
Spanking and hitting are forms of violence. The word spanking has a cute ring to it. It is more pleasing to say "Do you want a spanking?" than to say "Do you want to get hit or hurt?" The hurting and hitting of children by adults is not cute. It is hurtful.
It can be habit forming: you start to do it without even thinking. Most adults have learned not to hit adults when they are angry. We can also show self-control when we are angry with children.
Spanking and hitting perpetuates an unfair double standard. Adults are protected by law from any form of assault. Children are people too!
It promotes a poor self-image. People (children) do not feel worthwhile if their body is not respected (that is, if they are hit).
It creates an atmosphere of fear. Children do not learn well when they are fearful of being hit for making a mistake.
It does not help children to learn self-discipline. The strongest element in discipline is a child's love for the parent. When a parent uses harsh methods to teach children right from wrong the child develops feelings of resentment and hatred which get mixed up with the love feelings a child has for his/her parent. This all adds up to confusion for the child and he/she may misbehave to try to clear up the confusion. The child is not asking to be hit, but asking for clear, consistent limits to be set.
It perpetuates a vicious cycle by indicating to children that it's O.K. to hit and hurt smaller people (including siblings).
Parents need to put themselves into children's shoes. How would adults feel if a boss or spouse hit them to correct them?
People are not for hitting! Adults need to be helpers, not hurters of children. Discipline is teaching children, not hurting them.

The ideas on this page are from "The Starting of Violence" by Vanessa Petrilli, with thanks to the author, Sandwich Community Health Centre Inc. (Windsor, Ontario), and the Repeal 43 Committee, a group advocating the repeal of Section 43 of the Criminal Code which allows corporal punishment of children for their "correction". For information on the Repeal 43 Committee, phone (416) 489-9339, FAX (416) 489-9797.

Family Service Canada

This site was initiated by the Canadian Child Care Federation and produced under contract to
Industry Canada. Ce site a été développé par la Fédération canadienne des services de garde à l'enfance et produit avec l'aide de
Industrie Canada.

	Look for underlying needs. Give your child something to play with while waiting in line.
	Give information and reasons. If your child colours on the wall, explain why we colour on paper only.
	Look for underlying feelings. If your child hits his baby sister, encourage him to tell you why he is upset, and to express his anger and jealousy in harmless ways.
	Change the environment. (It's easier than trying to change the child.) If your child repeatedly takes things out of the kitchen cupboards, put a childproof lock on them.
	Find acceptable alternatives and redirect your child's behaviour. If you do not want your child to build a fort in the dining room, tell her where she can build one.
	Be playful. Turn the situation into a game. "Let's pretend we're the seven dwarfs while we clean up."
	Give choices rather than commands. Decision making empowers children; commands invite a power struggle. Try: "Would you like to brush your teeth before or after putting your pajamas on?"
	Make small concessions. "I'll let you skip brushing your teeth tonight because you are so tired."
	Provide a period of preparation. If you are counting on company for dinner, tell your child how you expect him to behave. Be specific. Role-playing can help prepare for potentially difficult situations.
	Let natural consequences occur (when appropriate). Don't rescue too much. A child who does not hang up her bathing suit and towel may find them still wet the next day.
	Use logical consequences (only if necessary). If while holding your child, he wiggles so much that he kicks you, explain that it hurts. Set him down and offer to hold his hand instead.
	Give I-messages. "I get so tired of cleaning up crumbs in the living room."
	Hold, hold, hold. This expression of love enables children who are acting aggressively or obnoxiously to channel their pent-up feelings into healing tears.
	Remove your child from the situation, and stay with her until she is ready to act appropriately. Use the time for listening, sharing feelings, moving toward conflict resolution.
	Demonstrate how you want your child to behave. If your child pulls a cat's tail, show her how to pet a cat. Do not rely on words alone.
	Make a deal, negotiate. If you're ready to leave the playground and your child is having fun, reach an agreement on the number of times she may go down the slide before leaving.
	Defuse the situation with laughter. If your child is mad at you, invite him to engage in a playful pillow fight. Play your part by surrendering dramatically. Laughter helps resolve anger and feeling of powerlessness.
	Revise your expectations. Young children are naturally loud, curious, messy, willful, impatient, demanding, forgetful, fearful, self-centred, and full of energy. Try to accept them as they are.
	Take a parental time-out. Leave the room, and do whatever is needed - cry, call a friend, meditate, take a shower, read a poem - to regain your sense of composure and good judgement.