Hijinx Ensue
by Joel Katelnikoff
Melissa reclines gently on the couch as she talks to Brad on the phone. She flosses the cord between her toes and strokes her raven hair.
“Yes, Brad, come over right away. I can’t wait much longer.” Brad, on the other end, has no shortage of enthusiasm to be with her.
Melissa hangs up the phone, watches her pink satin kimono drift to the floor, and begins to moisturize her legs. Fully nude, she is startled by the ring of the doorbell. She is even more surprised to see Jeff, her boyfriend, standing at her door, wearing a tie and holding a bouquet of roses.
“I got back into town early, Melissa. I thought I’d come by and surprise you!”
HIJINX ENSUE
“Patty, Patty!” Mike says. “I need your help! There’s a wedding next week and I told my parents I was engaged. Now they want to meet my fiancée!”
“But Mike,” says Patty, “You’re not engaged.”
“My parents don’t know that!” Mike says.
“That’s a terrible dilemma,” says Patty. “I wish there was some way that I could help.”
“Well, actually,” says Mike, “There is a way...”
“But Mike, I’m your best friend’s wife! Don’t you think that would be too complicated?”
“C’mon, Patty. Please?”
HIJINX ENSUE
Human being decides to live as cat.
HIJINX ENSUE
Timmy cheats on his junior babysitting exam in order to get the esteemed certificate. He hangs it on his wall while laughing maniacally about “beating the system.” His mother is proud of him and asks her friends at work if any of them need a babysitter. When Friday night arrives, Timmy finds himself taking care of three young boys. One of them has ventured into the cupboard that contains knives and poison, one needs a diaper change, and one hasn’t moved since falling off the fridge 15 minutes ago.
HIJINX ENSUE
Plucky young woman of royal descent is stranded on a foreign shore. In order to gain employment from the local duke, she disguises her sexuality and applies for a job as his page-boy. She works in close quarters with him and soon discovers herself becoming his intimate confidant.
HIJINX ENSUE
Dr. Proteus is an experimental scientist. He has been using a mirror-like device to redirect a radioactive beam from outer space. One day, a miscalculation leads to Dr. Proteus being bombarded by space rays for hours and hours.
HIJINX ENSUE
Arriving home from work, Sarah spots a luxury car in her driveway. She’s never seen it before. She approaches her front door and notices it is unlocked. She is unsure whether or not to proceed, but goes against her gut feeling and walks into the house. Large footprints are impressed into the carpet. Sarah notices that the answering machine is blinking and feels an inexplicable urge to check the tape. As she presses the button, something moves. She turns to see a man leap down from the attic. He begins to yell something at her—
HIJINX ENSUE
Your bus is going over that bridge in Halifax when the driver veers right. The bus rolls over the railing. Hang-time is twenty seconds. You are falling. Twenty seconds to think of the people you are angry at and the people you are indebted to.
HIJINX ENSUE
You never really liked the landlord and those bastards that kept smoking outside the window. There’s that guy that always gives you dirty looks even though you swear you’ve never seen him before in your life. Then there’s the boss. That fucking prick. That fucking boss who hawked you even when you were on your break. There’s that boss whose disgusting skull you’ll never be able to see without feeling an urge to commit the sin of murder.
Then there’s that other guy... wait, that’s about 20 seconds, isn’t it?
(crash)
Sarah sees a man coming down at her from the attic. He screams something at her. “Happy Birthday, Sarah!” It is her father.
He says, “I tried calling first. Did you see the car? It’s yours. Here’s the keys. I hope it’s the right colour!”
Sarah throws the keys back at him, saying, “After what you’ve done to me, you can never be my father again!”
(crash)
Being exposed to radioactive space rays for hours, Dr. Proteus’ skin begins to produce copious amounts of pigment. He gains a second skin that enables him to withstand radioactive rays. As a freelance crimefighter, Dr. Proteus (now Captain Proteus) becomes the toast of Nottingham city. The most devilish devils quake at the mention of his name, and the good townspeople treat him with an admiration that no mere doctor could ever earn. During a particularly slow day of resting on his laurels at Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem Inn, Proteus notices that his second skin is starting to peel. Upon the realization that the super-power is no more than a suntan, he tells... no-one.
(crash)
Duke hires beautiful young boy as page and intimate confidant, only to find himself developing strange feelings for him. They hit the sheets. Sooner or later it is discovered that the pageboy is in fact a woman in disguise. The duke is infuriated to discover her lies and disgusted to have committed a foul act of heterosexuality.
(crash)
Timmy is convicted on three counts of negligence causing death and one count of cheating on a junior babysitting exam. He is sentenced to 15 years in the stack-shack. When he gets out, he’s too old to babysit and has to find another job. He winds up selling haircuts in a back-alley barbershop to hobos with weather-beaten beards. One day while eating a ketchup and baloney sandwich on white bread, he asks himself, “Was it all worth it?”
(crash)
Human being decides to live as cat. Litter box is too small, but dry food isn’t so bad. Human being sleeps in a box. Human being rolls around in the dust. Human being catches a blue jay in its mouth.
(crash)
After the wedding, as Patty is going down on Mike in the parking lot, it suddenly occurs to him to tell her he loves her. In shock, she asphyxiates herself on his penis and, to make a long story short, everybody learns the truth.
(crash)
Nine months later, Melissa lays the child on church steps, not knowing who the father is. The priest, believing the child to be his, pretends that it was sent directly from heaven, born not of man, nor woman. He raises the child himself, telling everyone that she is the Messiah. The child eventually works her way up through the Catholic Church, becomes a female priest, and later a female pope. She unites all of the religions, ends war, makes contact with extraterrestrial beings, and solves the mysteries of the pyramids, Stonehenge, and Easter Island. The aliens give her an honourary PhD, and she learns that true peace can only be attained through an alien form of transcendental meditation. The word spreads, and the human condition vastly improves. Everything is ok everywhere in the world. Everyone is happy. So am I, so are you.
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