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Relief originally came from
Paul, although I can't give him all the credit (or blame). He took me
to a casino, a totally new experience for me. It did not impress me too
much at first, but I learned the rudiments of what happens there. It was
"take it or leave it" for some time, but it became a godsend when I needed
a diversion to get away from an overbearing situation at home and to regain
my car driving skills and my confidence.
The drive from west Toronto
via the QEW highway to Casino Niagara became a time to listen to the radio
and tapes; the short bus rides from parking lot to casino, a time to talk
or listen in on conversations. I would time my trips to counteract what
I considered Paul's unfair treatment of me. I now had a way out: the slots.
Paul went up north for the
weekend, with Bohdan, his son for the day, then topped it off with golfing.
(I would liked to have been included.) No matter, I could gamble by myself;
it was safe, inconspicuous, comfortable and time passed.
Paul was often too busy to
take me out. He worked on the computer, or watched endless sports on TV.
I would have liked more couple stuff. (I used to keep trim and slim by
dancing and I miss it so.)
Visits with kids are outings
for Paul, but I am new to drinking wine and conversations that often bypassed
me and reverted to a language I did not understand. I could go to the
casino anytime so I would select times with less traffic, a time of day
when my car wouldn't overheat, and I could watch the sunset over the Burlington
Skyway. The casino is open 24 hours a day.
It is important to say here
that this was quite acceptable to Paul, he was off the hook so to speak.
The person hooked was me. At first I went to the casino because it was
something to do, then I got to like it, and finally, I had to go. It did
not happen over night, or did it? For my birthday, Paul gave me a card
with some money to spend at the casino. I went for the evening and stayed
past midnight, until morning. This party for one became expensive as did
many others.
Paul went through his own traumatic
time, his wife was out of control in more ways than could be tolerated.
He had many moods. He was often just quiet when he saw how miserable I
looked and felt, and would say there was nothing he could say or do. He
was relieved when I got home safely. Other times he would do other stuff,
be out when I got home or not answer the car phone. We did not discuss
our relationship. Paul is not one to verbalize; his anger comes to the
surface whenever I suggest a talk.
He did notice however that
I did not realize how serious this problem had become — and I didn't.
I believed I could control it; I was a strong, principled person. I tried,
but I could not go home once I was in the casino. I never felt tired;
money did not seem real, just tokens. It was only when I had to take some
money from my RRSPs that I realized I needed help.
Typical of the way we were
at that time, Paul said he would get me info on gambling on his computer,
but he put off doing it. In the meantime I emptied my bank account. I
asked Paul to lend me some money. I should not have asked, and he should
not have said no. This was probably the first time in my life I had asked
for help; usually, if I couldn't get what I needed from my own earnings,
I just did without. I felt many things; I was worried, lonely, but mostly,
I was unhappy.
Divorce had come up when Paul
was angry, even before my gambling. I told him we could go through with
it, but my way was not giving up on something as serious as marriage vows.
I was still firm in that belief. My resilience was law and this time I
told him that his strong personality was too much for me. Divorce may
have to happen if all else failed. I did not want anything of his, and
he could not have anything of mine. It would have to be final and happen
very quickly, not be just a word to use in disagreements. This was a day
of emotional upheaval for both of us.
Help came with a phone call
to the Problem Gambling Service. I spoke to Gen who explained how I could
go and speak to her in confidence as often and as long as it took me to
get better. Paul came with me and waited until she met us both in the
waiting room. Gen then took me to her office for the first of many hour-long
consultations. Gen proved to be just the person for me. We worked together
each week making plans about how to get me to slow down and control the
obsession — but to no avail. I did not stop gambling until October
2000 when I went to Mohawk Race Track security and registered for self-exclusion.
I am certain that I would still visit the slots if I hadn't taken this
drastic step.
Paul and I moved to the country,
and we developed a new understanding of each other. Divorce came up once,
but we both know that our life together is good, and with mutual respect
for each other we can only get happier. I no longer look to Paul to do
things with me that he does not enjoy. I have regained my life. I don't
allow others to impose on my territory. My personal likes, wishes and
feelings are just that — personal — and I share them with discrimination.
I have cultivated bonds and respect with most of the family and our friends.
I had to distance myself from a couple of people and that too feels good
too, because it was necessary.
I am impressed with the achievements
of my therapist who helped turn my life around — just as I am incredulous
that so much harm penetrated my mature and strong personality. I fantasize
about visiting the casino, just as I fantasize about losing weight or
winning a lottery, but I hope these things stay as possibilities and that
life goes on.
Gen suggested that I have a
list of things I can do when I get the old urge to flee, and now I fantasize
about these things as well. Come spring (it is now mid-February), I will
look for work with animals (my first love). Paul and I will drive to the
ocean (my second love). If we don't go together, then I will find a way
to do it myself. Other things that I like to do include going to my room,
which is totally mine (no one else goes there but me) to read, write and
listen to music; going for a walk or car ride. If I'm feeling really frustrated,
I can check into a friendly hotel to repair whatever ails me. Closer to
home, I now have my space and lots of countryside to gaze at.
This First Person Account
was not peer-reviewed.
Submitted: February 20,
2001
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