FEATURE
The Runner Next Door
If the terms "negative splits," "fartleks," "polyurethane midsoles,"
"butt-kicks," and "LSD runs" fail to conjure up any corresponding images in your
mind, at least you'll admit that this jargon sounds rather intriguing. It's
runners' talk, and they can spew this stuff for hours on end. To become
proficient yourself, read on and learn all about the inner workings of that
skinny guy in the purple tights you almost ran over with the snow plow the other
day.
6:15 a.m.
Alarm. A dedicated runner's day often starts with an easy run in the morning in
preparation for a hard workout later in the day. Following this typical 5-miler, the
healthy runner will consume vast quantities of cereal, explaining that she is
replenishing her glycogen supplies. However, contrary to popular belief, most
runners are, by nature, unhealthy. They shun doctors, run themselves into the
ground and wonder why they are not setting pr's. And because obsessiveness is also
a characteristic of the runner (almost a given in marathon and in ultra-distance
runners), they may shun food altogether as well, not wishing to carry anything
extra around those 25 laps on the track.
12:00 Noon
Runners will either use their lunch break to (surprise) go for a run,
although the netheads -- those of you reading this article, for example -- may
also use this time to catch up with their virtual running partners.
5:00 p.m.
Off to the track for an interval session. Here the runner may come into contact
with the jogger. In order not to offend runners, it is crucial to understand
the difference between running and jogging and to use these terms appropriately.
When in doubt, always use the word "runner;" a jogger won't know the difference
anyway. Basically, a "runner" runs to improve; a "jogger" jogs to lose weight, to
be healthy, or to cross-train. With some practice, you'll immediately be able
to tell the difference -- that man wearing the headphones, Ked sneakers, and
fuchsia sweat ensemble is a jogger. But that woman who zoomed by so fast you
couldn't tell if she was wearing anything, she is a runner. Once at the track,
the runner will probably think about stretching, and may even succumb to
bending over a bit before going for a warmup "jog." (The term 'jog' can be used
here as in this case it is preliminary to the "run" -- real runners do jog
occasionally.) The track session could include any number of intervals, ladders,
or repeats, but most likely it will leave the runner tired and famished, ready
to finally head home. If he doesn't fall asleep over his fifth plate of pasta,
the runner may engage in some non-running-related activities before bed.
Of course, this is only an ordinary day in an typical runner's life. Often,
though, races disrupt this normal flow, for as much as a week previous to the
actual day of the race (depending on the race's distance and importance).
During pre-race periods, it's important to be careful what you say to a
runner. Don't say the wrong thing (or the right thing at the wrong time), anything at
all at certain times, or nothing at other times. This, too, will take some
practice. Don't feel insulted if a runner ignores you during this period; in fact,
you may want to ignore anything she says until after the race. But be careful
about post-race comments as well, and follow the same pre-race guidelines
about what to say.
A final comment: despite anything you've just read to the contrary, runners are
actually some of the most intriguing people on this planet. Don't be intimidated
by them -- they won't bite, and they'll tell you more than you ever wanted to
know about their current overuse injury if you just ask.
Sheila Eldred, Oxford, UK
sheila.eldred@keble.oxford.ac.uk
