Spring 98

by Scarlet Pollock

What an incredible shift we are going through! Communicating online is certainly changing how we relate, opening up new avenues to work and play together, and altering our expectations of social relationships as we know them.

People, who are using the new developments in technology to communicate, are changing the ways in which we “do” social relationships. The emphasis here is that it is people who are finding ways to communicate. The new communication technologies provide possibilities and limitations, but how we use them to develop our social relationships is up to us.

People are exploring the technology, individually and collectively. Sometimes we will get caught up in the processes being designed, or be confined by the structures set up through websites, mailing lists and chat rooms. But it helps to remember that it is not the technology determining how we relate. People explore the possibilities, set new standards and work out connections through our use of the technological capacity.

We need to increase our understanding of how to use the new technology to support equality. We want to encourage ‘proper’ use of the Net, but we’re not yet sure what that means. It may be a good idea to take a look at our own assumptions about what is proper, and how we perceive others who are exploring new ground in online communications.

how we “do” social relationships

Does working online make us better or worse at social relationships? Some would argue that communicating through our computers is ‘not real’, or reduces the quality of our social relationships. Others, those who are doing it usually, believe it’s a vital new way to make deep and meaningful social relationships, less encumbered by the prejudices and expectations of such things as race, class, gender and the limits of time and place.

An often heard complaint about people who spend time online, is that they are becoming or will become incapable of developing social relationships. Concerns are anxiously expressed, as if those who communicate with other people through their computers, are only talking to their computers. Perhaps it seems as if the computer is once again about information, not about connecting through wires to communicate with other people.

Like any new phenomenon, it’s useful to explore the possibilities and limitations before we jump to conclusions about what is good or bad. Like sex, people are going to do it anyway, and the point is not to sit in judgment but to become more aware. Like life itself, both good and bad things are happening on the Internet.

why is this so scary?

It is more than a little scary. People are crossing old boundaries, finding new friends, exploring different ways and reasons to connect over distance, developing deep connections with people they have never met face-to-face. Some make the leap to travel to see each other: sometimes it takes the relationships to a deeper level and other times it confronts expectations and doesn’t work out.

Developing new online friendships can change many things. It opens our knowledge and experience to people with a different background than our own. How wonderful it is to open up our understanding of diversity and appreciation for different perspectives. How irritated we become with ‘closed-mindedness’ amongst our family and friends who don’t appreciate the new possibilities, or would deny us these new vistas.

For those whose family member or friend is spending more time online, there can easily be a feeling of being abandoned. The person has new interests which take them away from us, and from things we used to do together. As it is often young people connecting online, this may be part of the process of growing up and leaving home. The potential for traveling to distant places after meeting someone online is full of excitement, fear, hope, loss and change.

People engaging in developing relationships online are creating change. There are new partnerships being found through the Internet. Existing partnerships are being challenged, and sometimes broken off. It is a painful loss to be the one who is left when a partner finds someone new. It is no less real when the new relationship developed online.

Danger is attributed to the unknown risks, excitement about the, as yet, unexplored potential. The process of risking change through using the new communication technologies is now new, but the specific benefits and risks are only just being discussed. This is a reality we will be learning much more about as these new relationships are being lived by those who have taken the risks.

For women and especially for girls, there are questions about safety. Harassment, usually by men, occurs online as well as offline, and there is a need to understand street smarts wherever we go. Increasingly there are guides being produced about how to communicate safely. This includes basic rules about not giving out personal telephone numbers and addresses, how to recognize and report harassment, where to find support and help. In some ways communication online is more safe than meeting face-to-face at bars or parties, and allows for playfulness, as long as street smarts are considered.

developing new social skills

As we gain experience in online communications, we are learning new skills. This is connected to how we are redefining relationships. Relationships we have online can be short-term, based on specific tasks or discussions of issues. They can be sustained by developing ongoing working or conversational exchanges. Their focus can be meeting new friends, learning new skills, debating ideas or finding potential partners.

In our electronic written exchanges, we communicate with immediacy - through the possibilities and expectations of speedy feedback. The ability to stay closely connected with frequent exchanges can heighten the intensity, as compared with the postal service. The telephone can also offer this connectedness over long distances, but is limited by the expense of long-distance calls. Internet Phone connections provide the benefit of both.

We are learning how to handle email and chat line communication. This requires new understandings in how to write in a way which supports connection, with kindness and consideration, sincerity and respect, and how to identify the lack of it. The importance of what we say is taking precedence over what how we look, and we can avoid some of the preconceptions of visual encounters.

Developing web resources requires us to be able to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, and to reach out to as many people as possible across cultures. It prompts us to be more inclusive in the content and presentation of resources. It is much harder to keep a narrow perspective, when participants speak from a wide range of cultures, perspectives and experiences.

People are meeting each other online, and developing close relationships. This challenges our norms and expectations, our understanding of what is proper and what is safe. But it is simply a new way of doing things. There is much to learn about how to do it well, and what to watch out for. We are better equipped to know how to handle a range of situations when we keep connected with other women, and learn from each other as we grow.

Email: diamond@womenspace.ca

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